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Abusive Family And Nowhere To Go.
I am not really sure how to ask my question. I KNOW what IS causing my depressive problems if that's any help at all... at least for the most part. I am embarrassed to share with everyone what I feel because I am not sure if I am serious enough to even be considered or worth discussing. It has a lot to do with being a student, so I'm sorry if that's not what you like to read, and I do not want to crowd the scene from others who may have it far worse than me. Most of my depression comes from mental stress/abuse/humiliation and mental/physical pain, although it's hard to tell which one is causing which symptom. I hate myself more than I should, but I KNOW I deserve it, and I am terrified that this may not be normal.
I have been feeling: Nauseous (but not literally throwing up, just no strong appetite), have slight headaches with mostly sharp pains hear the front of my head and behind the eyes (I study a lot though), lower back aches and chest pains (nothing interior, mostly my muscles), and pretty much ever kind of muscle twitch and spasm you could imagine every few hours or so. I've gotten so use to them that I can fall asleep normally, but still wake up exhausted and sore. I fell dizzy walking up and down the stairs, my ears tingle (from constant noise and shouting, not too surprising), and my hands shake so violently to the point where it causes me PAIN to try and stop them. I feel just awful and I am completely unaware of how to stop these random problems.
On top of all this, my face is usually slightly swollen from softly crying myself to sleep every few months or so, because I can't in all good conscience figure out what to do with myself at this point. I have been in school since elementary, and this is my 5th year at a COMMUNITY COLLEGE. I was either part time or full time each semester, depending if I could afford the gas money. I changed my major around the time that the economy crashed, which was my 2 year mark. Just next semester and I am done, but my master's major requires a 4-6 year program at a major university, a place which I have NO IDEA how to get to and how I would pay for in the long run.
I can cook, clean, wash, lift heavy loads, is polite and sincere, and just LOVE household work, so I am NOT some "couch potato" as they say. Despite my family ridiculing me for being a small and fragile woman, I always enjoyed fixing and cleaning things. It's the only kind of meditation that keeps me "alive" on the inside. It also helps give me some self confidence because not ONE woman I have met my age (and even older) has ANY idea how to take care of a household or family. NOT ONE. Because of this, I have NO female friends and only a handful of male acquaintances. I am too nervous to date though. I am afraid they will discover my family and/or consider me a possible burden to them. I do NOT wish myself on ANY man, I will achieve my OWN goals on my own. Plus I do NOT want to date when I am trying to get a master's degree and a normal job, one of my ultimate and normal achievements so that I can support myself on my own. What can I say? I love to learn and work!
Unfortunately, I am 24 years old and STILL WITH MY PARENTS. My parents have been murder ever since I was 15. The alcohol and drug abuse never let up, and they have never supported me. I GUARANTEE you with ever dusty penny I have saved growing up that they DELIGHT in bringing me pain. Every time I cry, they smile and raise their arms with fists in the air. Every time they scowl at me for something and I walk away, I usually get something thrown at the back of my head (light, but a million tons on the heart). Since they never caused any physical marks, I couldn't report them to anyone, and they are such fabulous actors. My high school never believed me. In fact, they blamed me and said I wasn't "tough" or "smart" enough to succeed in life and "wasn't getting it".
I never in all my life put anything disgusting or vile into my mouth, so I THOUGHT I was pretty healthy and that pains and shakes were normal... but I am slowly learning that it is not. EVERYONE I know in this god forsaken country thinks it's absolutly normal to abuse drugs and alcohol a little in your life, but I don't find anything alluring about it at all. Because of this I was ridiculed, cast out, and BLAMED for being too weak. I was always made fun of for not "going that extra step". But actually I just refused, partly out of fear that I would become my parents, but mostly out of disgust because the smell was just AWFUL to me, and I ran off to throw up every time I came too close to a drunk person. Even THAT wasn't normal, and I was just 12 when I first did that. What can I say? My stomach is sensitive, and I feel so pathetic for that. This was when I began having back problems I think, but my hands were shaky for as long as I can remember.
I have completely given up on my family and have come to the unbelievable conclusion that I just simply do not love them. I feel so ashamed and embarrassed to think this, and I make myself sick just thinking about my carelessness. My family, in a typical low class home, have gone out of their way to do what they can for me, but in return spew out violence and rage towards me because they believe that it is their right to do so since they brought me into this world. They deny any and all evidence that I night be my own person. They REFUSE to believe that I have a mind of my own, and I LITERALLY mean this... ANYTHING I SAY OR TYPE THEY THINK I AM "GUESSING", AND THEY WILL GO OUT OF THIR WAY TO TRY AND PROVE THAT TO ME, EVEN CONVINCE OTHERS LIKE MY COUNCILORS AND COLLEGES THAT CALL ASKING FOR ME. They will NOT support me nor help me, but do not stop me because they LAUGH at my efforts and LOVE seeing me spend my money away on something that won't make a difference by the fall of 2013, where I'll have nothing else to take at school. My achievements are cast off as nothing, and since they cause too large of scenes, I have lost any and all friends. I now roam the internet broken and alone, afraid of what to do at this point and too nervous to talk to anyone.
I have nothing. No leads, no financial support (part time minimum wage job but someone paid for every class out of my own picket), and NO financial aid or student loan support because my GPA is bellow 2.5. I sleep and eat on a couch and corner table in the living room, and I don't have my own computer or vast amount of study resources because I just simply can't afford any. No privacy either (this is the family's computer). I am simply trapped under my own household, and it's humiliating and embarrassing to say the least... especially to my family and especially when I see other kids only one or two years younger than me are already earning their degrees with much higher GPA's.
I have NO opinion or say in ANY matter whatsoever, and for the past 5 years I have kept everything to myself as well as I could. Ironically, I am SCOWLED at for not even speaking to anyone, let alone "being part of the family", but I just can't do it. They know I clean and care for them, but they REFUSE to care. I KNOW I am not being stubborn because people have told me again and again that they can SEE I am not violent and or "spooled"(?) and advice me to avoid my family as much as I can and move out..... but this is where my problem comes in.... I HAVE NO WHERE ELSE TO GO. Those who advice me can not give me any support and I do not blame them at all, but I MUST ask everyone where someone can with NO contacts or financial support and to move out and live on or near a campus so that they can have a normal life? I don't know what do to! No money, weak job, no contacts, and virtually no hope at this point. On top of everything, my body is breaking down and I couldn't even flip a page in my text book today because I was shaking and crying so much. Anyone out there, can you please give some advice? Please?
I have been feeling: Nauseous (but not literally throwing up, just no strong appetite), have slight headaches with mostly sharp pains hear the front of my head and behind the eyes (I study a lot though), lower back aches and chest pains (nothing interior, mostly my muscles), and pretty much ever kind of muscle twitch and spasm you could imagine every few hours or so. I've gotten so use to them that I can fall asleep normally, but still wake up exhausted and sore. I fell dizzy walking up and down the stairs, my ears tingle (from constant noise and shouting, not too surprising), and my hands shake so violently to the point where it causes me PAIN to try and stop them. I feel just awful and I am completely unaware of how to stop these random problems.
On top of all this, my face is usually slightly swollen from softly crying myself to sleep every few months or so, because I can't in all good conscience figure out what to do with myself at this point. I have been in school since elementary, and this is my 5th year at a COMMUNITY COLLEGE. I was either part time or full time each semester, depending if I could afford the gas money. I changed my major around the time that the economy crashed, which was my 2 year mark. Just next semester and I am done, but my master's major requires a 4-6 year program at a major university, a place which I have NO IDEA how to get to and how I would pay for in the long run.
I can cook, clean, wash, lift heavy loads, is polite and sincere, and just LOVE household work, so I am NOT some "couch potato" as they say. Despite my family ridiculing me for being a small and fragile woman, I always enjoyed fixing and cleaning things. It's the only kind of meditation that keeps me "alive" on the inside. It also helps give me some self confidence because not ONE woman I have met my age (and even older) has ANY idea how to take care of a household or family. NOT ONE. Because of this, I have NO female friends and only a handful of male acquaintances. I am too nervous to date though. I am afraid they will discover my family and/or consider me a possible burden to them. I do NOT wish myself on ANY man, I will achieve my OWN goals on my own. Plus I do NOT want to date when I am trying to get a master's degree and a normal job, one of my ultimate and normal achievements so that I can support myself on my own. What can I say? I love to learn and work!
Unfortunately, I am 24 years old and STILL WITH MY PARENTS. My parents have been murder ever since I was 15. The alcohol and drug abuse never let up, and they have never supported me. I GUARANTEE you with ever dusty penny I have saved growing up that they DELIGHT in bringing me pain. Every time I cry, they smile and raise their arms with fists in the air. Every time they scowl at me for something and I walk away, I usually get something thrown at the back of my head (light, but a million tons on the heart). Since they never caused any physical marks, I couldn't report them to anyone, and they are such fabulous actors. My high school never believed me. In fact, they blamed me and said I wasn't "tough" or "smart" enough to succeed in life and "wasn't getting it".
I never in all my life put anything disgusting or vile into my mouth, so I THOUGHT I was pretty healthy and that pains and shakes were normal... but I am slowly learning that it is not. EVERYONE I know in this god forsaken country thinks it's absolutly normal to abuse drugs and alcohol a little in your life, but I don't find anything alluring about it at all. Because of this I was ridiculed, cast out, and BLAMED for being too weak. I was always made fun of for not "going that extra step". But actually I just refused, partly out of fear that I would become my parents, but mostly out of disgust because the smell was just AWFUL to me, and I ran off to throw up every time I came too close to a drunk person. Even THAT wasn't normal, and I was just 12 when I first did that. What can I say? My stomach is sensitive, and I feel so pathetic for that. This was when I began having back problems I think, but my hands were shaky for as long as I can remember.
I have completely given up on my family and have come to the unbelievable conclusion that I just simply do not love them. I feel so ashamed and embarrassed to think this, and I make myself sick just thinking about my carelessness. My family, in a typical low class home, have gone out of their way to do what they can for me, but in return spew out violence and rage towards me because they believe that it is their right to do so since they brought me into this world. They deny any and all evidence that I night be my own person. They REFUSE to believe that I have a mind of my own, and I LITERALLY mean this... ANYTHING I SAY OR TYPE THEY THINK I AM "GUESSING", AND THEY WILL GO OUT OF THIR WAY TO TRY AND PROVE THAT TO ME, EVEN CONVINCE OTHERS LIKE MY COUNCILORS AND COLLEGES THAT CALL ASKING FOR ME. They will NOT support me nor help me, but do not stop me because they LAUGH at my efforts and LOVE seeing me spend my money away on something that won't make a difference by the fall of 2013, where I'll have nothing else to take at school. My achievements are cast off as nothing, and since they cause too large of scenes, I have lost any and all friends. I now roam the internet broken and alone, afraid of what to do at this point and too nervous to talk to anyone.
I have nothing. No leads, no financial support (part time minimum wage job but someone paid for every class out of my own picket), and NO financial aid or student loan support because my GPA is bellow 2.5. I sleep and eat on a couch and corner table in the living room, and I don't have my own computer or vast amount of study resources because I just simply can't afford any. No privacy either (this is the family's computer). I am simply trapped under my own household, and it's humiliating and embarrassing to say the least... especially to my family and especially when I see other kids only one or two years younger than me are already earning their degrees with much higher GPA's.
I have NO opinion or say in ANY matter whatsoever, and for the past 5 years I have kept everything to myself as well as I could. Ironically, I am SCOWLED at for not even speaking to anyone, let alone "being part of the family", but I just can't do it. They know I clean and care for them, but they REFUSE to care. I KNOW I am not being stubborn because people have told me again and again that they can SEE I am not violent and or "spooled"(?) and advice me to avoid my family as much as I can and move out..... but this is where my problem comes in.... I HAVE NO WHERE ELSE TO GO. Those who advice me can not give me any support and I do not blame them at all, but I MUST ask everyone where someone can with NO contacts or financial support and to move out and live on or near a campus so that they can have a normal life? I don't know what do to! No money, weak job, no contacts, and virtually no hope at this point. On top of everything, my body is breaking down and I couldn't even flip a page in my text book today because I was shaking and crying so much. Anyone out there, can you please give some advice? Please?
Damn. Me too. But I can't work- I am a supersupersupersensitive introvert. All my life I've been forced to act extrovert by EVERYONE, including myself, so I have burned out early, and working? oh no. it causes me nightmares and hallucinations to try. ;( My parents don't see a problem, they want to label Me as the paranoid one... after years of my father calling my MOTHER paranoid, and my detailing to Doctors all the paranoid stuff she does. I am 32. Will be screwed forever, probably. Can't work. Never doing that again, for the foreseeable future. State doesn't care about my health problems... since I'm not a zombie, I can work! ;) Did you ever get this solved?
... fixing the statement above, I am glad I live in a country where I do NOT have to marry... and by "four foot stature" I meant I'm short, part of the reason I don't like kids. Many kids think I'm a weird child and playfully just come up and slap me right in the face WITH their mothers laughing apologetically. Unbelievable. I am NOT taken seriously, and I look that young too. And there is NO FLATTERY in that statement whatsoever.
Hello again and thanks again for your reply.
Thank you for understanding my uncomfortableness with marrying a man just to get out of my house. I was not only shocked that people kept bringing that up, but DISCUSSED that that's how they view not only men but women as well. How is this possible? When did this idea become the norm? I would never EVER marry to "get out" of my house, what insanity! Are my morals wrong because of that? Does that make me a man-hater? Of course not! But this is how people are LOOKING at me and I have never been more surprised in my life. I have ALWAYS been told to just "find a good man and move on", as if my morality, humility, and dignity means absolutely nothing... nor is it good to look at men that way either. I do not believe AT ALL that men would have been abusive towards their women if that WAS the case either, I just can't imagine that. Despite everything the system and government has done to me, I am still glad I do not live in a country where I am forced to marry... but it doesn't help when it's shoved in my face like that either.
If what you mean by being "discrete" is you saying that I should be changing my approach towards other people, then I shall most certainly try something else. I have never been upset or carless around others and have tried making normal "chit-chat", but it's hard to have friends or contacts with little to no money to get to them later on, nor time to be with them because of my school work. I'm sorry... how can I raise my GPA without taking more classes? Did I read your sentence wrong?
At this point I don't care what kind of degree it is, I just need somewhere else to go where I won't be attacked because of my 4 foot something stature. I have endured my parents long enough and already 24 years old with others my same age with their own degrees already. I only have classes to transfer credits to GET a degree, so even if I had the ability i would still have to put in 4 more years of school someone else, making me over 28 at that time. It's a community college after all. But my college isn't the best and the only one closest to me in a 20 mile radius with nowhere else to go to learn anything.
... I have never not been in school before. Perhaps if I stop going I'll save to make a desperate travel in one solid direction... but that leaves me with a slightly horrible guilt of leaving my family behind. With no other siblings, no one else will deal with them, and although they are abusive I do not want to abandon them either. Wouldn't that make me like them in some way? Would that make me a horrible person? If I can't be concerned about them and was able to drive away anyway, then where will I go? .. Stay? ... Eat? I have e-mailed so many campuses and special homes and even people looking for useful room-mates, but not one person has responded to me. Not one. I am so careful to not appear desperate and make my requests as natural, confident, and somewhat laid back as I can, but even then someone else gets there before me.
Thank you for understanding my uncomfortableness with marrying a man just to get out of my house. I was not only shocked that people kept bringing that up, but DISCUSSED that that's how they view not only men but women as well. How is this possible? When did this idea become the norm? I would never EVER marry to "get out" of my house, what insanity! Are my morals wrong because of that? Does that make me a man-hater? Of course not! But this is how people are LOOKING at me and I have never been more surprised in my life. I have ALWAYS been told to just "find a good man and move on", as if my morality, humility, and dignity means absolutely nothing... nor is it good to look at men that way either. I do not believe AT ALL that men would have been abusive towards their women if that WAS the case either, I just can't imagine that. Despite everything the system and government has done to me, I am still glad I do not live in a country where I am forced to marry... but it doesn't help when it's shoved in my face like that either.
If what you mean by being "discrete" is you saying that I should be changing my approach towards other people, then I shall most certainly try something else. I have never been upset or carless around others and have tried making normal "chit-chat", but it's hard to have friends or contacts with little to no money to get to them later on, nor time to be with them because of my school work. I'm sorry... how can I raise my GPA without taking more classes? Did I read your sentence wrong?
At this point I don't care what kind of degree it is, I just need somewhere else to go where I won't be attacked because of my 4 foot something stature. I have endured my parents long enough and already 24 years old with others my same age with their own degrees already. I only have classes to transfer credits to GET a degree, so even if I had the ability i would still have to put in 4 more years of school someone else, making me over 28 at that time. It's a community college after all. But my college isn't the best and the only one closest to me in a 20 mile radius with nowhere else to go to learn anything.
... I have never not been in school before. Perhaps if I stop going I'll save to make a desperate travel in one solid direction... but that leaves me with a slightly horrible guilt of leaving my family behind. With no other siblings, no one else will deal with them, and although they are abusive I do not want to abandon them either. Wouldn't that make me like them in some way? Would that make me a horrible person? If I can't be concerned about them and was able to drive away anyway, then where will I go? .. Stay? ... Eat? I have e-mailed so many campuses and special homes and even people looking for useful room-mates, but not one person has responded to me. Not one. I am so careful to not appear desperate and make my requests as natural, confident, and somewhat laid back as I can, but even then someone else gets there before me.
I am so proud of you that you do not wish to have a man take of you. Often women get involved with men, marry them for the financial support and they end up taking more than they ever imagined. This is one of the reasons why women stay in abusive relationships; they have completely relied on a man to take care of their every need, the man gets tired and burnt out from working hard to take care of another human being and takes this anger out on them, the woman -- having nowhere else is to go, is house bound and unsure how to leave as she has no plans. Given your family history, the last thing you need is some a-hole hitting on you and putting you down. When the time is right, you will find a nice guy and settle don, by that time you would have attained most of what you want so that you do not have to be dependent on anyone. I am not sure what to make of the 'you not wanting to be a mom' thing. Some women do not want kids...that's your choice.
As for your family, you just have to endure them for now ;-/ stay out of their way as much as you can. You know what I think? Based on your post, I would say you're pretty great. You have strong morals, you are independent and find time to laugh and love despite you situation. That makes you great. Show more of that to others. You do not need to burden anyone with your problems. I am learning this: just because people are your friends, doesn't mean you have to tell them everything. There is still need for discretion. So while you will build relationships with others but you do not need to be IN NEED of them, you keep that which is personal to yourself. It is not to say that you won't ask for help, we all need help but you will continue to deal with issues in an independent manner.
I know you are going through a really rough patch right now, so I do not believe you should take on any more classes. You do not need your body turning against you too. I will say that you should work harder to raise that GPA. You need to get out of your parents way and the only deliverance you have, is your education. Your degree is your big F U to all who have put you down or doubted you and most importantly, your degree is your escape strategy.
Take Care!
Anna
As for your family, you just have to endure them for now ;-/ stay out of their way as much as you can. You know what I think? Based on your post, I would say you're pretty great. You have strong morals, you are independent and find time to laugh and love despite you situation. That makes you great. Show more of that to others. You do not need to burden anyone with your problems. I am learning this: just because people are your friends, doesn't mean you have to tell them everything. There is still need for discretion. So while you will build relationships with others but you do not need to be IN NEED of them, you keep that which is personal to yourself. It is not to say that you won't ask for help, we all need help but you will continue to deal with issues in an independent manner.
I know you are going through a really rough patch right now, so I do not believe you should take on any more classes. You do not need your body turning against you too. I will say that you should work harder to raise that GPA. You need to get out of your parents way and the only deliverance you have, is your education. Your degree is your big F U to all who have put you down or doubted you and most importantly, your degree is your escape strategy.
Take Care!
Anna
Hello and thank you for your time reading my post.
Yes, but to where? I'm not that strong and kind of short actually, I get jumped pretty easily. I have no idea WHERE to go, what numbers to call... nothing and nobody has helped me. It's absolutely true what you say, but I don't want to just waltz out and not be prepared enough to at least feed myself.
Yes, but to where? I'm not that strong and kind of short actually, I get jumped pretty easily. I have no idea WHERE to go, what numbers to call... nothing and nobody has helped me. It's absolutely true what you say, but I don't want to just waltz out and not be prepared enough to at least feed myself.
Any way you can: get out, get away from your parents, move out.
That's what helped me. My life has been a lot better since moving out.
They'll make your life hell if u don't. If it means working to support yourself do so. Find the courage to do things. You can date don't be afraid. Everyone has issues, no one expects u to be perfect in the real world. Be brave and venture out. Wishing u the best.
That's what helped me. My life has been a lot better since moving out.
They'll make your life hell if u don't. If it means working to support yourself do so. Find the courage to do things. You can date don't be afraid. Everyone has issues, no one expects u to be perfect in the real world. Be brave and venture out. Wishing u the best.
Thank you for your kind words and comment. I am sorry to hear of your son's difficulty in finding a job for his major... this is actually the number one excuse why my family laughs at me... it's because they know there is nothing out there for me. If there was, I have hundreds of thousands of people in line WAY before me and with better family backgrounds and GPA's. As for your son's ADHD, I have heard of it before and almost every kid in my town is "classified" with it. At first I thought it was a joke telling these many people that they "aren't normal", but when I see them act or work, it KIND OF shows, but not a total bother. In fact, they are almost completely normal and nice people.
Thank you two for taking the time to read my long post. I really do appreciate it. I do not with to scare anyone about my... "low self-esteem"?... but it's not what it totally seems. It's normal and natural for me now, I can't do anything about it. I still laugh and love, I just don't want to burden myself around other people. Why do i think this way? Because somehow I AM a burden, it's others who don't explain to me WHY. They just keep me guessing, like everyone else I have ever met. I am just embarrassed that I never made any good friends before and never realized that other people help you get by in life and "ahead" I guess, I just kept trying to do things on my own. Until last year I realized that I need other people to stay with and live with and I COULD have taken the opportunity to do so a while ago, but I didn't think it would be that hard to do everything by myself. What NO ONE told me was that women are only important between 18 and 22 years, the rest are on their own. Until people started asking me where my references are, I realized I didn't have any except my previous jobs, which have either closed down or the people have moved on. I am in complete shock that I HAD to do something that no one else ever bothered explaining to me to begin with.
My family is who they are, it's just stressful to be around them. Even when I behave like my normal adult self around someone else, THEY are the ones to treat me like a child. Others have looked at them like they are crazy, and then they don't want to have anything to do with me. My family is treating me like a child, I am NOT behaving like one. I do NOT encourage them either, they do it randomly and completely on their own terms. I am not the only person they do this to, they do it to others as well, I just happen to be their daughter.
I also wanted to sort of explain a little better about not wishing myself on any man... what I meant was that people look at me like I'm nuts BECAUE they think it's so easy for a woman to just marry and live under someone else's roof for the rest of her life if she wants too. They ask me why I wouldn't just settle down and have a man's financial status take care of me and have a kid with them, and I am always shocked at their statement. This is an EXTREMELY uncomfortable idea to me because I would like to think by now that I am my own independent person. Plus I don't want to be a mother, I actually don't like children very well. I would never have a child and burden him/her with my non-motherly instincts because I don't HAVE any and I just don't like kids. Most woman with nowhere else to go get married and live under someone else's roof (man, woman, whatever) BECAUSE they couldn't make it on their own. THIS is what scares me, that I will have no choice but to marry in order to get out of my families house. I have no passion to marry or date and I ESPECIALLY do NOT want to have kids.
As for my college, the counselors keep telling me to take more classes and raise my GPA, but I have enough points to transfer now. Any other University would look at me and my status at my community college and think that I wasn't being quick enough and cast my papers aside. I KNOW that is how the system works, I have seen them do it to me in the other room and talk about it when I was sitting near their door. Just because I was independent and on my own, they decided I wasn't "social" enough and just "didn't get t", yet they REFUSE to explain and clarify what they SPECIFICALLY meant. THIS is what bothers me, that NO ONE is telling me what I am doing wrong, and another "surprising rule" in the college system gets immediately thrown into my face when I try to make a move. I either took to long (even though the counselors helped me set up my 2 year class system, then when I changed the math classes I needed couldn't be taken at once, so I had to do them ONE SEMESTER AND CLASS AT A TIME) or I didn't pass the interview with the traveling counselors who visit our college because... they NEVER tell me why. I tried visiting homes for students with no "goals" in mind, but they couldn't drive or fly me out to somewhere else because my major in mathematics wasn't popular enough in the area for them to pay for it. I tried going to a shelter and letting the "system" do its thing, but I was immediately jumped by 6 or 7 guys who tried to pin me to the ground and rip my clothes off, in broad daylight and even with guards beating at their backs until they finally pried them off me. I never went back or asked for anyone else's help sine, and still have nightmares about that incident to this very day.
My family is who they are, it's just stressful to be around them. Even when I behave like my normal adult self around someone else, THEY are the ones to treat me like a child. Others have looked at them like they are crazy, and then they don't want to have anything to do with me. My family is treating me like a child, I am NOT behaving like one. I do NOT encourage them either, they do it randomly and completely on their own terms. I am not the only person they do this to, they do it to others as well, I just happen to be their daughter.
I also wanted to sort of explain a little better about not wishing myself on any man... what I meant was that people look at me like I'm nuts BECAUE they think it's so easy for a woman to just marry and live under someone else's roof for the rest of her life if she wants too. They ask me why I wouldn't just settle down and have a man's financial status take care of me and have a kid with them, and I am always shocked at their statement. This is an EXTREMELY uncomfortable idea to me because I would like to think by now that I am my own independent person. Plus I don't want to be a mother, I actually don't like children very well. I would never have a child and burden him/her with my non-motherly instincts because I don't HAVE any and I just don't like kids. Most woman with nowhere else to go get married and live under someone else's roof (man, woman, whatever) BECAUSE they couldn't make it on their own. THIS is what scares me, that I will have no choice but to marry in order to get out of my families house. I have no passion to marry or date and I ESPECIALLY do NOT want to have kids.
As for my college, the counselors keep telling me to take more classes and raise my GPA, but I have enough points to transfer now. Any other University would look at me and my status at my community college and think that I wasn't being quick enough and cast my papers aside. I KNOW that is how the system works, I have seen them do it to me in the other room and talk about it when I was sitting near their door. Just because I was independent and on my own, they decided I wasn't "social" enough and just "didn't get t", yet they REFUSE to explain and clarify what they SPECIFICALLY meant. THIS is what bothers me, that NO ONE is telling me what I am doing wrong, and another "surprising rule" in the college system gets immediately thrown into my face when I try to make a move. I either took to long (even though the counselors helped me set up my 2 year class system, then when I changed the math classes I needed couldn't be taken at once, so I had to do them ONE SEMESTER AND CLASS AT A TIME) or I didn't pass the interview with the traveling counselors who visit our college because... they NEVER tell me why. I tried visiting homes for students with no "goals" in mind, but they couldn't drive or fly me out to somewhere else because my major in mathematics wasn't popular enough in the area for them to pay for it. I tried going to a shelter and letting the "system" do its thing, but I was immediately jumped by 6 or 7 guys who tried to pin me to the ground and rip my clothes off, in broad daylight and even with guards beating at their backs until they finally pried them off me. I never went back or asked for anyone else's help sine, and still have nightmares about that incident to this very day.
I am so sorry, there are people who care. I felt terrible when I read your post. I am a mother of a 24 yr. old son who HAS a Master;s Degree and has been home and still looking for work for 2 yrs. He has depression and ADHD but is very smart. I am disabled and can't do things so he has to help at home too.
I am here if you want to talk
Cindy
I am here if you want to talk
Cindy
First and foremost, there is something that scares me about you. You put yourself down for the entire world and that is a HUGE problem. This is a big issue as if you believe that you are not worthy, you most likely will continue to take unworthy treatment from EVERYBODY. Why would you believe that anyone would be opposed to reading/replying to your post? Why would you believe that your post is lesser than anyone else's? Why would you not wish yourself on any man? Unless you begin to believe "HEY! I am a human being who is deserving of all things good and wonderful", then no matter where you go, you will always see yourself as inferior and settle for less.
Your family has proven to be incompetent as it relates to fostering your needs, especially your emotional needs. It has been up to you to take financial matters into your own hands and to deal with all the mental health issues. In terms of finance for school, I am unsure how to assist you as I do not live in the states and do not know how the system is set up. I am just throwing this out there, in my country the school itself is able to discuss a payment plan with students. If you speak to your school counsellor and express the challenges you face at home, then perhaps him/her may be able to speak to the administrators on your behalf.
You are 24 years old, don't forget it. I never forget my age. This is the reason why: While I am 15 years old, you can abuse me, While I am 16 years old, you can call me all the names you wish. But while I am 20 years old, I am an adult. I am in charge of me, I say what, I say when. Now you are not going to disrespect your family, but you are not going to behave like a child. You are unable to move out right now, however, you need to be more stern with them.
Find a counsellor PLEASE and go to the doctor for what you are experiencing. It is important to have someone to talk to. Do you have a hobby? Perhaps you can join a club and meet some new friends.
Take Care!
Anna
Your family has proven to be incompetent as it relates to fostering your needs, especially your emotional needs. It has been up to you to take financial matters into your own hands and to deal with all the mental health issues. In terms of finance for school, I am unsure how to assist you as I do not live in the states and do not know how the system is set up. I am just throwing this out there, in my country the school itself is able to discuss a payment plan with students. If you speak to your school counsellor and express the challenges you face at home, then perhaps him/her may be able to speak to the administrators on your behalf.
You are 24 years old, don't forget it. I never forget my age. This is the reason why: While I am 15 years old, you can abuse me, While I am 16 years old, you can call me all the names you wish. But while I am 20 years old, I am an adult. I am in charge of me, I say what, I say when. Now you are not going to disrespect your family, but you are not going to behave like a child. You are unable to move out right now, however, you need to be more stern with them.
Find a counsellor PLEASE and go to the doctor for what you are experiencing. It is important to have someone to talk to. Do you have a hobby? Perhaps you can join a club and meet some new friends.
Take Care!
Anna
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