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983030 tn?1261356662

Am I deluded?

Am I deluded? I been depressed a long time. 10 years ago I was told I had dysthmia. But noone offered any treatment. Some months ago I quit smoking and my drug of choice (THC) which I took  to help me deal with my underlying problems.
I'm probably physically healthier right now but I'm left with the underlying problems that caused me to use in the first place. I thought they were anger based. But now I realise they may be delusion based.  You see I am convinced that people around me making mistakes are incompetent.  And I'm constantly upset by it and It controls my thoughts

I recently had a bad experinece and a bad outcome from surgery and - I think all the doctors and pathologists are incompetent. In fact I reckon I can prove it. I say " why dont I just give you the money then I can stay at home and you can play a round of golf. Better still just get paid from health insurance for doing nothing - "  My intuition tells me thats what they are aiming for......

Am I deluded? Whats the difference between delusion and intuition?  I went to my psych today - I told him all of this - you know what he prescribed for me.....nothing!

He also begun the interview with the wrong patient notes! I have a whole list of small and large examples in various fields of my life. I really am convinced I am surrounded by incompetent people that just consider me (and others) an unfortunate, and unpleasant part of the process.

As you can see my sarcasm and anger knows few bounds. I wonder what came first the delusion and the anger or the depression then the delusion and the anger..... I am so unhappy I fear am a danger to myself and to others.

I realise this is a pattern in my life too  -if its not this medical tragedy its something else - a work trajedy -  Anyway I really feel that I could relapse. That way at least I can medicate myself. But to do so would just ensure a slow death., I think I prefer a quick one. I'm caught between a rock and a hard place - to say the least.

Then again maybe I'm not. Maybe I'm just deluded! Am I deluded?

6 Responses
Avatar universal
I think the anger came first and then the depression.  I am very much aware of the imcompetency of the medical field from having worked in it, to losing a son and grandson to medical negligence.  I know I went thru extreme anger and depression.  I'm glad we have doctors, but I think they're a dime a dozen and worth less!  The all have the "God" syndrome!  My husbands a pilot, and the man who repairs planes after an accident says most of the pilots are doctors who crashed them because they think they can do no wrong.  My husband was in the locker room at our gym and listened and watched a a doctor pulled an xray out of a brown envelope, and said to his friend, "this is going to buy my new Porsche!"  My husband's mother died due to negligence after a minor surgery, so we know how you feel.  I've learned to demand answers, and I will and do go above their heads when I'm not happy.  I don't know what the answer is, but just remember "the guy who graduates at the bottom of his class in medical school is still called doctor!"
Avatar universal
What did you want your doctor to prescribe?
Listening may have been the best medicine.

Personal issues came first followed by either depression or addictive behavior.

Paranoia can be both real or perceived.  When people become unwell they become less tolerant and communicate their distress and frustration maladaptively.

I think you have underlying issues.  I also think you may have issues relating to the smoking.  (Smoking can sometimes cause psychosis.)

I too believe many people are inept and incompetent.
I too have had a bad surgical experience with negative outcomes.  I wonder if the smoking influenced the result.  ??

Sometimes when we're stressed life does feel like one crisis after the next.  Sometimes that can be indicative of something like complex-ptsd too.

Minimum you should be in therapy.  I would be concerned with your current mood, especially having just seen your doctor.  If things don't get better soon or get worse then you should contact your doctor again or go to the hospital.
My gut instinct tells me to tell you to get help asap.
983030 tn?1261356662
I am very thankful for your comments and concerns.I feel more supported than before.

Mammo your story and experience gives the advice of a sage. It would apear that you could've had a remarkable life with a husband a pilot - I am sorry for your loss and bereavement. I totally agree with you that doctors think that they have a cure for everything......example the euthanasia debate.....they think have a cure for terminal illness - with euthaniasia....

The most disapointing part for me was when my skin cancer came back they innsinuated  bad luck - I promptly said if I wanted luck I would have gone to the witch doctor. I ask them What happened to medical SCIENCE- thats what its supposed to be right science?
At that point the medical community conceded they only know so much about skin cancer ( Its a BCC BTW) blah blah etc etc and thats the end of it right? Not really.

My logic(or delusion) tells me they only know so much about anything. And on the same visit yesterday this psych told me that one or two beers each day would increase my blood pressure- I said How would you know?  You admit medical science only knows so much - yet you want to deny me the simple pleasure of having 1 or 2 beers a day on the basis of........??? I said I was self medicating and  - Maye as evidenced by the fact He didnt give me any medication - he wanted me to continue suffer, or he's just incompetent or both or I'm delusional......

Jaquata your message really spoke to me  "When people become unwell they become less tolerant and communicate their distress and frustration maladaptively" sounds like you have some experience and knowledge.

I read how depressed people are often perfectionists. I'm like that I guess. I can be relied upon too. I dont like to let anybody down - I try really hard not to make mistakes and I am resourceful and pretty good at what I do

In my work I could show you that the most incompetent get awards and the most needy and selfish people get  promotions - these people express their distress and frustration very well - on their way to walk over your dead body and steal your purse on the way to their goals. And If thats not maladaptive then I dont know what is.

Of course I have underlying issues. Who doesnt?

On your other point - Maybe, if I wasnt using,  I might have insisted they take YET another look at my skin cancer. Maybe ...BUT two other doctors told me to "keep an eye on it." (recently I looked up " keep an eye on it " in the medical dictionary....I couldnt find it) So I doubt smoking is related to that... but its probably related to the way i am now -   ..well you can tell I suppose,.....intolerant... But that implies that that all this stuff is OK ......when I know its not... and that I got to tolerate it. And thats not easy

I had PTSD 12 years ago. So I was interested in your comment about complex PTSD cos I never heard of it . Can you tell me more about that?

Thank you for your gut instinct. One last question. Whats the difference between my gut instinct and delusion? And now I'm aware I may be deluded I question and worry about every thought and decision. How do I know when I'm right and when I'm wrong and when I'm delusional? How does one stop being delusional?

Thank you for your advice.
Avatar universal
Rationally you know people have limits and limitations.  You do, I do.  It's realistic to expect doctors and health professionals to have them too.

Sometimes the reason why things happen defy us.  Sometimes it's easier to attribute stuff to luck, fate or destiny.
I think this is probably most often seen with health and natural disasters.  How does one even comprehend how or why stuff happens?

Our neighbor died recently from melanoma.  He left behind a successful business, a wife and kids.  His wife's first husband died in an accident.  He was young.  How do you rationalize any of that?  Can you?

I had cancer treatment earlier this year.  I expect I wouldn't be too happy if mine came back and I was told I was unlucky (especially if it were due to their incompetence and ineptitude.  I expect that would leave me feeling very, very angry.)).
What is your prognosis?

Maybe he didn't give you medication for a reason.  I think you fall into a high risk category.  If I were a doctor I wouldn't be in a hurry to give you medication.
Besides, medication only helps with some symptoms it doesn't cure issues.

Plenty of experience but possibly only because health professionals are inept and incompetent.
My treatment team never managed my problem therefore I became unwell (angry, frustrated, suicidal, homicidal, probably close to psychotic).  Yes, I know what it feels like only too well.
I get frustrated that people who are suppose to be helping me don't get it and definitely don't support me.  More often than not they're the ones pushing patients over the edge -literally.
When we're unwell we're more vulnerable too.  Added to that we become more stressed, more sleep deprived, more drunk if's that what you do, more ... everything.

One psychiatrist gave me a paper on perfectionism to read.
I think that when we have such high expectations of ourselves we don't deal with failures very well.  Failure means different things to different people too.
Failure to me was like a personal attack.  It felt like I was worthless and useless.
Failure was getting 99% in a test instead of 100%.  Failure is about never being good enough no matter how good you are or how hard you try.

Maybe you need to start learning how to say no.
You let yourself down.
Maybe you need to start learning how to be you and not the you others want you to be or the you you perceive others want you to be.

Yes, the most skillful or loyal rarely get recognized.  A lot of negative traits seem to be more highly sought after.

Smoking (and drinking) increase you risk for getting a lot of health issues.
I saw a sign in the mhs waiting room saying binge drinking increases your risk of cancer by over ?50%.

The main thing I get from you is anger and frustration.
It can be difficult being polite when people are so useless and their actions impact on you so severely.

The main thing I've taken from complex-ptsd is the re-victimization.
Just the way you talk (or write) makes me feel that you are, or perceive you are, being re-victimized.
With complex-ptsd they say that you feel like you can't escape, that you're trapped.
You could try looking up complex-ptsd on wikipedia.  I think they have some good info there.  You could try looking up bpd too and see if you think any of that applies.

I don't know.  What is the difference?  It would be nice if it were a multi-choice question.
I think that a delusion is not based on reality.  A gut instinct probably takes into account more facts (but is still primitive).  A gut instinct is something we perhaps feel before we start to over-think things.
You don't sound deluded -just p***ed off.  Smoking can mess with your mind though.  You could try looking up drug-induced psychosis of something similar.  ??

I think it may be your anxiety which is causing you to feel ?maybe slightly paranoid.  I think that's normal.  Normal for stressed anyway.

For the most part I don't think you would have insight if you were deluded.  
Right or wrong about what?  Just generally I think you would probably try and test reality by asking yourself questions.  Did I hear/ see something?  Was it real?  What could be another explanation for what I think I may have seen/ heard?  I'm not sure.

One treats the underlying condition.  The depression or anxiety, etc.  Some doctors may treat delusions with anti-psychotics, etc.  It depends on their source.

Beer is just another substitute for smoking.  My drugs of choice are food and caffeine.
They are just used to mask other issues.  We feel powerless and helpless so we drink, smoke, eat, etc.  We're feeding needs (the need to feel heard, the need to feel connected, the need to ...).  What we really need to do is address these issues.  Fulfill our needs in other more constructive ways.

I think you should be in therapy.  If you feel at risk and your doctor won't do anything, go to the hospital.
My personal opinion is that you're not contained and you need to be.

Delusions can be part of severe depression.  Ask for help.
983030 tn?1261356662
Jaquata I cannot thank you enough for your caring and sharing. Your good heart deserves much rewards and I truelly wish for you to receive them.

I read all what you wrote - more than once, and I digest it still.

I looked at revictimisation "The victimization of an adult who was victimized as a child" is that what you mean? Or is it an "adult more vulnerable to exploitation " I'm not sure...

My anger makes me a very difficult person to victimise and exploit. I make it quite clear to people I will not accept it and they attempt to do so at their peril. Perhaps I admit to some overreaction there. I have the rest of my life to think about why I am like this - is it because I was victimised or exploited as as a child? Mmmmmm

I dont  know - I'm not sure - Of course  I was victimised as a child - but I dont think  to any greater degree than anybody else and probably, less than you.

Nevertheless it does happen that I am exploited and victimised (or at least I feel that way.) And I suppose it would be true that I allow myself to be exploited and victimised?
I often feel "overlooked" In fact I think I can prove several recent instances when I was.

Also recently I've become aware of discrimination against me (due to my mental illness) I got a gov job too. Just goes to show that all that anti discrimination stuff is just tokenism - lip service to make the main stream feel better about themselves.

I admit I feel "stuck" in my life - trapped and could do with a change, but I wonder if I would feel the same way (or worse) in time because of my condition(s) in any other setting or place. I dont think so. Mmmmm

I read somewhere that people suffering  delusions have trouble making a decision. That could be me. I also dont get any support for changing my status - despite the apparent cost.

I can just drink 2 beers a day with dinner but smoking for me was habitual. I smoked first thing in the day - during the day - and last thing at night. I had it bad - and today is day 300 clean!.
I can see my problems clearer  now and I can talk about them and my liabilities are revealed to me when I am ready for them. One of those liabilities is delusion or thought disorder I'm pretty sure.

Like the discrimination thing - leave that with me a week and I'll probably have turned my anger and resourcefulness and insecurities to that and devise some almost "helter skelter" plan to attempt to right the wongs of the world. Well at least my world anyway. The trouble with trying to get even like that - is they dont even know what the protest is. And I cant tell them else I'll get busted......

As I think you realise I dont think rationally when stressed - your advice "Rationally you know people have limits and limitations" is wise and I accept it.

Yeh I need help alright. But thats nothing new to me and I've managed to stay out of hospital and jail this long .....so after my skin surgery to have the Basil Cell Carcinoma removed ( I'll need a graft - its on my face) I'll go back to the psych and tell him I got a logo for him "all money taken - no treatments given" and see what hes got to say for himself.

All the best to you Jaquata and thanks again. I appreciate your ideas.
Avatar universal
Hi.  Thanks for your comments.

Probably all adults who feel victimized were victimized (abused) as children (whether emotionally, verbally, physically, sexually, etc).  More the first one.

I feel re-victimized when I'm given a psych label (which is probably the result of my childhood) then given another one because I don't deal with the first.
I feel re-victimized when people don't understand me and so force what they feel is best onto me.
I feel victimized when I get an abscess and gaping wound following surgery.  (I went into surgery extremely stressed and dehydrated by the time they were ready and then took ages to come round after which is then assumed to be psych related but was actually medical.)  Maybe that was re-victimized by complying with doctors orders and then getting sick.
Re-victimized is when I ask for help for with my diet (which is a problem due to my mh) and they don't and I'm left dealing with the consequences.

I expect your anger is there because you have been victimized (which I'm using loosely).  The pattern often changes where you become either the abused or the abuser.  Anger is probably the abuser trying to cover for the vulnerable abused.
Anger masks a lot of things.  It is usually a blanket emotion.  Meaning that if you feel hurt, etc you will react by becoming angry.

For me personally I now feel exploited because I lack skills because of what has happened in childhood.
Not being paid for work I do feels like exploitation.  Especially when I don't feel like I have options.  That also makes me feel re-victimized.  It's just little things repeating themselves.  It's hard to explain.

I don't think victimization is only about abuse.
I don't say I have an abuse history.  If anything I say I was being disciplined.
It could probably be as simple as being bullied or nagged or ... whatever.
It needs to be in context.  This is difficult for me.
Maybe I use re-victimized because that seems to resonate with me.  That is what my experiences within the mhs feel like.
My history is of feeling like a don't belong and of people not 'getting me' (especially my family who seem less empathetic and understanding than others).

I sometimes feel invisible.  For my birthday last year Dad had been away on business and Mum asked him (prior to him leaving) if he was going to be home for my b'day.  He did come home but he walked right past me without even acknowledging me and went and gave my mum some flowers.  
Another time I overheard my mother telling my father that she didn't care if I died.
It all makes me feel wanted and valued.

Your mh issues should be confidential (unless you choose to disclose them).
I used to feel discriminated against a lot, especially within the mhs.  Once you are labeled as mentally disordered it seems to stick.  My family tend to judge me too.

I think regardless of where you go or what you do your issues go with you.
I think addressing them is probably the single most important thing.

Depressed people have trouble making decisions too.  As do other diagnostic groups.

If you can just drink two then are you able to just drink one?  :)
Congrats!!  That's a huge achievement.

But can you make the other changes yourself without the insights you could get from a T?  I know you've stopped smoking by yourself and I don't expect that was easy but ..support would be good.

I'm sorry about the skin cancer.  I hope you get a good result.
I never actually said sorry before did I.  When I went to a different GP after radiation he just said he didn't know.  No, I'm sorry.  Just, I didn't know.

I wouldn't advise saying that.  That sounds like me when I say stupidity must be a pre-requisite to becoming a doctor or mh worker.
It's not very constructive though and doesn't really help address the problem.  Possibly makes people feel even less inclined to help us.

Did you look up bpd?  I'm actually wondering if you may have that.  Or maybe just traits (a few of the criteria) like everyone.  It would explain the anger.

This is a bit long-winded -sorry about that.
Take care.
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