"Am I the star beneath the stairs? ...Am I your anything?" I need help, numerous things and numerous reasons.. anybody up for a challenge?

[Avianna]

Alright, first up. I'm depressed. Quite often, I even think of suicide. I refuse to go to a shrink, therapist, whatever you call them, for the last experience I had was NOT one I would want to chance happening again. Mabye I'm being selfish, and I know I need help, but I just can't bring myself to go to one.  It makes me feel like I'm some sort of lab rat.  Either way, they don't help anyway.

I used to self-harm, thats right, cutting. When the family found out, they did nothing but yell at me.  My sister shoved that damn book of hers in my face and wanted me to read it.  (this book held all of her depression inside it in the form of poetry)  I love poetry, and I love reading it written on things like paranoia, manic-depression, suicide, and all of that.. but the idea of it being written by my sister was just too much to handle.  I miss cutting, it was my form of therapy, and to be honest, I really didn't do it that deep at all.  It was my form of venting, and of course since then I've been a *****.  I seemed to have gotten better for a while, but now everyones getting close to me.  Now, I'm scared; and now, I become the big bad wolf again.

I have major trust issues.  I have a boyfriend and I'm currently in the process of trying to end a relationship that he is desperately trying to save. There isn't much wrong, but whenever he says he loves me, it scares me.  And when I say it back, it scares me more.. so now I don't say it anymore.  He says I'm not being myself, when really, I'm just showing that much more of me to him.  He won't accept me for who I truly am, and I know this.  It kills me, and I can't tell him, for he will tell my family, and I can't let that happen.

So really, all I have to rely on, is anyone who is willing to help over the net.  Its the only way I am willing to get help.  It sets up that wall so I don't have to see you, or your reaction; yet your words are sent to me, hopefully comforting.

[Teddygirl]

I can be an ear if you need to vent, or if you need someone to talk you through things, help give you hope. I am goin' thru some **** myself, the only thing that got me thru some of my worst times were the people on here. Sounds dumb, but, kinda like the movie donnie darko when donnie is sitting in the movie theater and sees frank the giant rabbit, and he asks "why do you always wear that stupid bunny suit?" and frank replies "why do you wear that stupid man suit?" and in reply he says "because i can't take it off" that's how i feel a lot, like my soul wants to leave, like i can't take this human suit off or something.....kinda weird i guess. if there is anything i can tell you is, there are people that love you, family, and friends, your life is important to them, find a way, any creative outlet to help you cope, i had a brother in law that took his life, 2 years later and his family is still grieving and trying to pick up the pieces, sometimes we hurt so much we just want it to end, and we don't even stop to think about who we are hurting.

[Paxiled]

If you're new here, this post you're responding to is ten years old -- don't know if anyone here is still around and I hope if they are they're problems are fixed.  If you want to get some feedback, make a new post.  Peace.

[John_jb1]

Hello,

Yeah it was pretty funny.

I think your sister might be getting slightly frustrated, as I know what it's like to be a gamer - I used to game allot, then I got really really mad because i couldn't do something on the game.
So I do think that could effect her mood. But I'd say no more then after an hour max after playing it. But gaming is actually pretty addictive, so I don't blame her for going on it allot, but she will get fed up with it sooner or later.

It can effect your mood in loads of ways, for one it can give you migraines and really bad headaches if constant use.
Say if you were playing a game, if you did really good, you'd want to play longer and your mood would be happier. If you did bad, you'd get really frustrated and mad. Also just gaming in general can give you adrenaline rush if you're on a really action/horror game. This is because your mind cannot tell the difference between TV/imagination so your mind thinks it's real, but you know it's not.

Thanks

- John -

[Avianna]

Haha, that sounds hilarious!

And I think my sister's hormones are done.. she's 24.  I wish she'd act her age.. I mean, not to be mean but her best friend is a 15 year old guy on xbox.. even she admits shes addicted to it. I wish I could get her away from it.. I honestly don't think its healthy that she's always on it.. but I guess if thats what makes her happy?

[John_jb1]

Hey,

Yeah they really are horrible!!! I remember I used to put them in my dads tea when he wasn't looking, then watching is face and remarks such as "I think the milk has gone off date..." It really  was funny - had to be there.

If you don't mind me asking, how old is your sister? I think it could be hormones, and then the hormones mixed with the depression that's running through your family, it's obviously going to be a hard time for her. Also that goes without saying, it's just as hard for you to.
Since you're 15, your hormones are obviously kicking in abit, then mixed with the depression that you've got from experiences and then it running through the family. So that could explain her mood swings I guess.

Thanks

- John -

[Avianna]

Chewing them?! Ick! My dogs wouldn't even take them.. (it helps their coat look pretty) ..and they eat EVERYTHING! Hehe, yeah, I'm kind of used to swallowing pills. (No I don't pop them, I just always get headaches, and when I was small I got sick a lot.) And its okay for the detail.

As for my sister? Oi, shes a peice of work.. she can be so nice to me, and threatening to beat the hell out of me the next.  I think that she loves me, even if she doesn't act like it sometimes.. and I know the fact that she moved out for four years and had to come back home has really bothered her. I know I've said some pretty mean stuff too, like that I want her to move back out.. which in ways I sort of do.  Its lonely when she's gone 'cause I don't go out.. but I cause her too much stress.  I know she's definetly depressed, but she won't talk about it. Though the fact that she'll say "Life *****." or "We're all just living to die." kinda gives her away. Its true, but it gives her away. I guess all I can do is be there for her..

Yeah.. I was pretty much down to the wire with that one.. I almost started back up again.. I didn't though! ^^

[John_jb1]

Hello,

I'm sure they wont trace your call, it's supposed to be 100% confidentual. I think your parents do need to think more carefully about what they say/do to you or around you. As at the moment your mind is easily suseptable to stress. But the only thing I can really do is help you to ignor them stresses.

If you don't like taking them tablets via swollowing them, you can always chew them, but they taste soo horrible! I for one, hate fish, and the taste is so strong that sometimes I near gag. Sorry for intence detail, but it could come in handy i suppose lol.

I think your sister is hiding something, and is using aggression/tourments (forgot the word) to cover it up. You will be suprised how much this is used. Everyone who snapps out at people for little reason, or tells them "no-one would care if you tried suicide" either has their own issues or has problems such as Anxiety. So if you don't mind me mentioning, I think you should keep an eye on her, for things that she could be hiding.

I don't blame you for needing something to take your mind off something. In such situations it is very hard to think of something, or to even engage your mind in doing such an act.
A good thing to do, is to think of something you like, such as a dog, cat, friend, pet etc etc, and just breifly pass that through your mind, this should calm you down.

Thanks

- John -

[clpa07]

you could probably benefit from talk therapy. Its basically what your doing over this as a form of escapism. Go to a shrink!

[Avianna]

I guess I could try again.. I'm so afraid they'll trace my call or something.. mabye I'm just paranoid.. but getting caught doing anything has NEVER done me any good. ..They either throw me in counseling, or yell at me.. even if I tell them it'll just make it worse.. My friend is over for tonight.. so mabye once they are asleep I will call.  My parents aren't around for them to freak about me being on the phone.. but they said don't screw anything up.. so if they DO trace the call and they DO show up like I think they will.. I guess I'm totally screwed. Heh.

Yeah.. I took one today. Not exactly fun. They're huge...  I thought I was gonna die. My sister laughed at me for ever taking them.. but whatever to her. I'm really sick of her downing me for all I do.. she says she loves me.. but then she tells me no one cares about me and to go kill myself.. nice sister, huh?

And as for the last paragraph a couple responses ago.. I was trying REALLY hard to resist something. I didn't know what to do because I'd run out of things to keep my mind off of it.. and I was wondering if you had any suggestions.. Sorry--I was being stupid, I guess.  Sorry!

[John_jb1]

Hello,

It's great that you're now daring to do more things, such as ringing the help line. Well they weren't very cleaver. But I'm sure it was just some kind of mistake, you should try again I think. Tell me what happened exactly =]

The fish oil tablet things are worth taking, takes a couple weeds for you to see some noticeable effects. But they do work miracles, I've seen even your hand writing improves dramatically. So they're worth taking.

Thanks

- John -

[Avianna]

Anxiety? Hmm.. and yeah, we have those tablet things already because my dad was supposed to take them 'cause hes sick.. of course he doesn't like he SHOULD, but we have them. So, mabye I'll suck it up and take them.

By the way, I finally sucked it up and called one of those help lines.. they didn't do anything though.. they just hung up on me.. hahah.. so much for 'always being there' =P =]

[John_jb1]

Hello,

Yes I am in a band, I more use it as something to take my mind of things then for fun to be honest. And yes we'd love you to write lyrics.
Our genre is rock, blues kinda thing, so we don't mind if you write really joyful/fast lyrics or if you wrote depressing ones.

It does sound to me like anxiety that makes you have these "spazzy moods" them spazzy moods is your personality trying to cover up your mind. This is normally because you don't want people finding something else, or because you're afraid to confront something.
As I said, I'd say take them omega 3 fish oil tablets for it, as the omega 3 helps keep the mind and personality together and strong.

Can you just explain that last paragraph please? I'm not sure what you mean by what was in the draw.

Thanks =]

- John -

[Avianna]

You're band?! Whoah.. thats really cool.  What kind genre do you play.. or rather what kind of lyrics are you looking for? I can give it a shot.. no guarantees it'll be anything good though!

Uh, spaziness.. how do I define that..? Um, well its kind of like anything from scream "Je suis un papalmousse! Donnez moi voi tout croissants!" --Jade Puget (I am a grapefruit! Now give me all of your croissants!) to just sitting there flailing and screaming like a total idiot.. and its so random. Like, I don't even know if I can control it.. like if I walk by someone (obviously only a friend/family person.. mostly my mother... heheh..) I just smack her.. It isn't anything incredibly hard..  but enough to say ow.  And after she says 'stop' I just usually yell out something random (whether it be something quoted, or something just completely random) and run out of the room.. I don't get it!

And um.. what if.. the overwhelming urge to do something is killing you.. and you've checked your medhelp, your dA, and everything else about 20 times.. and you've written enough that you can't be creative anymore.. and theres nothing on T.V.. what do you do to pass time? Because my sister opened a drawer the other day.. and what caught my eye was something I really can't resist.. I think she knows that too because she glanced over at me and shut it fast..

[John_jb1]

Hello,

Well it's good to hear that you are feeling good!! And yes I'd love to make music from your lyrics, you do seem to have a talent with writing poems, so why not lyrics. I'm sure you'd be good at that, and my band really do need propper lyrics, we're terrible at writing them!

You say "spazziness," do you mean really sarcastic? Or really immachure kinda behaviour? I'm just trying to get a better picture of what you mean by that.

Yeah the repress trick does involve some concentration, and with being depressed, concentration does go out the window all the time. A good thing to do with that, is to take them omega 3 fish oil tablets. Taste horrible, so I just take them with water like any other tablet.

Once again, I'm glad I've helped.

- John -

[Avianna]

Generally it isn't screaming in anger, its just like.. spazziness.

And WHOAH! You'd really do that!? I mean.. HOLY ****! Really?! That would be SO cool! (wishes she had musical talent) Ah, if only I was good like that!

Yeah, I try the repress trick.. it doesn't work all to well, probably because I have horrible concentration.. but I'm gonna make it work someday!

And thats pretty much been my venting for all these years.. and man.. do you even begin to phathom how much you've helped!? Its like.. insane! I've like.. been in a good mood for the past 3 hours! That NEVER happens!

[John_jb1]

Hello,

I think them "spazzy bursts of energy" are anxiety related. When you feel your self turning to anger, try concentrating on your breath and then concentrate on slowing it down, then once your breathing is relatively slow, concentrate on your heart calming down.

When your depressed, I suppose writing some poetry, or trying to get better at something else, as you said you're not very good at writing lyrics, try getting better at that. And if you do, would you mind if I use them? I think I could turn them into a song, I'll then post them on youtube and link you to it on here with a PM.

Do you ever use that repress trick? If you've given up on it, try thinking of a different word for it, try something that has something to do with you allot, like one of the names of your poems.

I think with the suicide, you should try something to take of your mind as soon as that happens, such as writing your poetry, or trying the lyrics.

Thanks

- John -

[Avianna]

My mood? Well, its sad, a lot of anger, especially when my sister is home.. but I randomly get spazzy bursts of energy. They really aren't any type of motivation, more like the urge to scream something random.  And suicide? I wish I could say never, but its pretty much an every day thing..

I'll be sure to write more. =]

[John_jb1]

Hello,

I must say I really do like your poetry, I've read all of them, I can tell they're from frustration, greif and feeling.

Well if you think you'll do better without your friend I suppose that's good, but loosing a friend is always stressful as you start to remember some good times with them. But if you feel she's too much of a risk, I don't blame you.

I'm sorry to hear about that boy, but I guess he probs had issues him self.

Also may I ask, how is your mood currently? Always sad, or sad with spells of happiness or energy etc.
And also, how often do you think of suicide? And do you still have the desire to self harm?

Thanks and keep that poetry comming, I must say I do hunger for more =]

- John-

[Avianna]

Lyrics? I've tried but I don't do very well..  and I honestly think I'd be better off without her.. shes close to my mother, and she may tell what I do.


As for my 'current' boyfriend, he isn't my boyfriend anymore.  He broke up with me.

[John_jb1]

Hello,

I've read some of your poetry, i must say it's very well put together. You ever thought of writing lyrics?

I know what you mean by "I would think, that after all these years, and all the tears, she would be of more worth to me?"
I also would "get rid" of friends because i thought they were stressing me out too much. But in fact, it only stressed me out more when I found myself missing them after my ordeals.
I also know that after being with a friend for so long, that it should make you like them more. This had always confused me, as I know it's not true, but where do they get the perception from?

With this new boy, I'd be careful about upsetting your current boy friend, because you do get stressed out by his grief.

I'm glad I'm helping you with the "never ending road" I too do feel it's never ending, but when you come out the end, the amout of freedom and light that sheds on you is really satisfying.

- John -

[Avianna]

Well, I first and foremost, apologize sincerely for taking such a great deal of time to respond.  I've been locked up in my room for quite a while, got a nice painting done, as well as some reading. (I don't think I felt the need to come out and socialize with people I didn't like anyway.) Writing is another time consumer, oh how time flies! It would be five a.m. before I knew it! (I know this writing is a bit out of sorts for me.. but I've been reading the "Sorrows of Young Werther" and I've slightly adopted the way Goethe writes.)

So, now that my reason for not responding for so long has been brought to light, I suppose I should update you? Well, it would be quite difficult to see a school counselor at which point I'm not even currently attending school. The boy, in my eyes, is out of the picture. I in fact, have yet to talk to him in over four days! I do check if he's around, I must confess, though his absence isn't terribly devastating.  In fact, I think I've been charmed by a new one, he's had me for a while, and has the more 'go with the flow' personality type.  The only stresses other than the standard ones as of late, has been when I was looking for a canvas on which to paint, when I came across a silver box. Out of curiosity I opened it, of course, is that not human nature?  It was, ironically, a box of tools, which wasn't much, but one tool in all its silver glory made me break a promise I made so very long ago.. will I revert back to my old ways? The only thing thats stopping me is those that entrap me within the enviorment they want me to reside in..  I suppose that losing my best friend should be considered a stress.  It is not that she has lost her life or anything, its just that I have decided that she stresses me out too much, and cut off ties with her.  I would think, that after all these years, and all the tears, she would be of more worth to me? Is that not how it should be? And if you want a better look at how this inane mind I posess works, you could go to darkestintentions.deviantart.com --if it would help?  (Some of my oh-so-emo poetry is posted on there as my deviations.) I haven't a clue on if it would help, and no, this isn't meant for me to simply get more page views.  


I thank you again sincerely for all you've done  so far, you've seen me down a great portion of what seems like a never-ending road.

[John_jb1]

Hello,

I know we do have that tension to put people above us. But I think you do need to start thinking about your self.
Pretending to be happy can have great improvements for some people, because their mind thinks that's how it should be, but everyone's mind and brian works different. So to some people it can just cause stress.

I really do reccommend you see the school counsillor, I know you hate even the thought of it, but just brave the first sesson, you'll be supprised how relaxing the environment is, and they wont tell your parents that you have the sessons.

Please do take that into mind, I'm not forcing you, it's your own choice, but I really do reccomend it.
Counselling over the internet is totally different, as I can't see your body language as you say something or as you reply to a question.

Thanks
- John -

[Avianna]

I want to be with him, but I'm losing feelings for him fast, as I'm losing my feelings fast. I know it sounds weird.. but I sort of shut down all feelings for anything and stay safe that way.. and I know depression lasts a long time.. I've been sad since my brother left and my nana died. I remember right around that time, my sister was the age I am now, and was dealing with sorrow, and she had me take a depression survey so she wouldn't feel alone. I remember the last two.. it was to contact help immediately if you checked them off. One was if you ever hurt yourself for punishment or on purpose.. and the other was if you ever had thoughts of death frequently, or even suicide. I was only around the age of 8.. but I could have checked them both off. I don't want to deal with it anymore. I know I don't have to--but I will for the people around me. I don't want to hurt them..

[John_jb1]

Hello,

Now now, don't give up, depression can seem helpless and can last even years.

Do you want to be with that guy again? Or was it out of guilt that you two are back together?

As saratonin has just shown, meds like that can have amazing effects. You say " I'm not sick" you don't have to be sick to take meds, although depression is infact an illness. I'd reccomend atleast next time you go to a chemist or are going somewhere near one, to have a look around, have a try, then think if they're worth it or not.

If you don't like using this forum, you don't have to use it, it's your choice, we're not forcing you or anything, I completely understand, I went through a simular thing to as what you're going through now.

Thanks

- John -

[saratonin]

i just started cutting myself too. i have major depression and anxiety. a doc put me on zoloft....i feel a little better. i still have thoughts of cutting and i still feel depressed. but it's not so intense now.