Avatar universal

Am i depressed ?I'm literally not sure.

I got pregnant at 12 the same time i lost virginity.mutt parents went from coke dealers to crackheads.&we my lil bro &myself was on our own days at a time while they slept.anyhow the guy was in early 20's i again was a12yr old virgin.acting out...so once they found out i was pregnant they have him a ultimatum.stay with me&help with baby$$wise or they report him.i had no choice.i didn't even want to do it.&actually after the 1st&only time he kept trying to get me bk to my bestie hs.but u could stand in my street and see his 67'Impala there and i said my dad found out&i was grounded.lol it's funny cuz they couldn't care less..but i didn't like it or him.so bk on trak.i been a mom since age 12.now after raising 4 sons.and my 2 lil sisters.and helping take guardians ship of my sis 3 kids one time for about 1yr and the 2nd time the 3 and she had her baby in prison we got her once she was born.her kids were 10.8.5 the last time then newborn.my son's were oldr like the llast 2 at home just trn 16 &17 so 13 .14.17. is the ages mine were.and I'm a late stage cancer survivor.well it seems like all of a sudden my now 25yr old who was my bestfriend to.moved out then my 18 yr old graduated hs &enlisted in army and my sis got outta prison and she had her kids bk.and my youngest 2 idk WTF happened with them my older ones are so well behaved Respectful.the last 2 idk if it's bc i was fighting CANCER.off bc i only had 17%chance to survive.and nobody thought it was possible.
ANYWAY i lost my self my identity or somthing i have spiraled i had done meth LITTLE BACKSTORY..
my mom got all her kids on it. it's how she controlled us.keep giving us it till she just didnt till she got whatever it wad she wanted from us.i was 14 my lil sis im 8yrs older than was 13.by then i was thrown out once again by her bf.my baby sis was 9.
So i stopped all of that 18 years ago..i been active member of my church.had a homeless ministry.taught children's church.then 2yrs ago when my boys were moving on thier ow &my sis got her kids.i started drinking daily till i black out.the day we moved from phx tio Wittman lil town in nw.of phx.i i strayed drinking early by 830am i was black outdrunk i qwit that wad last day.but in March i drank the 1st day ended up with thus lady out here she was drunk to we went to my mom's in southside of phx we did lines of meth.idk at time i had unintentionally hag it in my system a few tines b4 this day cuz i was drinking outtaher mixed drinks.and she would say it's mixed with amp lots of gopower.i didn't get it&she thought i knew.so i been struggling with our on&off again pst cpl months.i tried to kill myself by downing 67 of my microphone 30mg.and 18 of oxy 10s.but it only made me sleep.im Scared for my husband of 20 somthing yrs cuz if i got a chance like i know if do it in blink of an eye.
I went thru all the treatments &surgeries after surgery.im in pain every day i am a burden un my eyes.im a crumbling shell of the woman/mom/Big Sis/Auntie/friend i once  was.idk how to pull myself outta this downward spiral.on top of all this.we got so attached to the baby girl my sis had while in prison.well my husband and her are inseparable
We used to get her cpl days a week.till recently my sister is using her against is.which happened b4 with her 1st our niece.they lived with us i seen her and was involved in her life&she got jealoua or resentful who knows but she mixed up north.and the next time we seen her age dudnt know us and cried wheni true to pick her up.so i said no at 1st knowing its probably gonna cause my husband to get attached to have her ripped outta our lives.she swore up &down well here we are once again. usually it's whenever she is close to our mother.that is why she moved up north b4.my mother only causes trouble pitting us against one another.so and the whole reason we had the kids this last time was bc my mom abandoned then at school even the youngest at time want enroll they she just left them there.the school called me and said i had 1 hour to get there or cps was being called..i don't drive i was sicker than ****.and it was in southside i was on 43rd Maryland in Glendale.but i dropped everything and got ride there.she don't care admit anything we done.for her&her husband is my hubby cuz.but i can't say anything about anything weve done for them.cuz she flips out. says I'm throwing it in her face..im at a loss any thought.advice.a friend to lean on.i don't have any friends really. all i do is sitb in my room watching t.v. by myself most of time.m
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Avatar universal
Any time you feel suicidal, yeah, you're depressed.  If what you say here is true, your life has been eventful, to say the least.  Any time all you do is sit by yourself watching TV and not doing anything, yeah, you're probably depressed.  Any time you have no friends at all, unless you've recently moved far away from them, yeah, you're probably depressed.  Have you ever sought professional help for any of the stuff you've gone through or are going through?
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