Am i depressed or just over emotional?

[faerie86]

Sometimes I see or hear something that triggers it and sometimes I don't know where it comes from, but I get this horrible pain inside, like my chest is caving in and my stomach is turning all at once. Sometimes it's so strong that it feels more physical than emotional. When I was a young teen I remember writing in a journal saying how much I hated myself, how life was unfair and blah blah, lol I was pretty dramatic. I liked to cut myself. I would write that it felt better than everything else I was feeling. I told a friend I wanted to die, she told an adult and they sent me to a counselor who recommended I see a therapist, but my mom said I was fine, and I never went. That was over 10 years ago, and to this day I still don't know if I'm "sick" or if I just feel things intensively. I hurt right now writing this. I get confused so often about why I'm in pain, especially when I can't associate it with anything happening in my life.. yet even when I do know whats bugging me, it shouldn't be sooo bad.. I SHOULD be able to handle it. Instead I cry, A LOT. I try to distract myself. And above all, I tell no one. If I can hide how sad I'm feeling long enough, it goes away. But its heavier than ever. And I don't know anymore if I can live like this forever.

[faerie86]

I didn't expect a response. Thank you both. If it is a chemical imbalance, I couldn't agree more that I should seek help. Honestly I've considered it so many times but it sure takes a lot to follow through. I almost feel like the process is more stressful than its worth. I don't have insurance or make much money. I can't ask my family for anything. I know I want to feel good but is jumping through firey hoops really necessary in order to simply be happy? I mean, I've come a long way... I don't cut or anything like that anymore, I don't hate myself. I have an amazing boyfriend, I work full time, and have 3 dogs. I'm generally busy. When the sadness sets in, I tend to hide it, I get thru the day. I might tell my bf I'm feelin down and he'll try to cheer me up, and I pretend it works because for some reason the longer I pretend, eventually it fades away. The trick is making it's absence less temporary. Yes it would be nice to know that I'm not just crazy and it's all an imbalance in my brain.And I'd try medicine if a doctor said it might help. But finding that professional and the medicine they prescribe at a price I can afford feels nearly impossible. Even unrealistic. I wouldn't even know where to start...

[thatquietgirl]

You're not weak.  You are not expected to be able to handle this.  Depression is a chemical imbalance in your brain, just as physical in cause as high blood pressure or diabetes even though it presents itself in an emotional fashion.  You can't just expect a hypertensive or diabetic patient to just get over it and handle it without help.  Same for someone with depression.

Your mom did you a great disservice refusing to send you to therapy when you were younger.  You could have benefited from it a lot.  But parents like to go into denial.  A healthy person does not cut.  Therapy could help you overcome this (or could have helped you overcome it quicker if you have managed).  It sounds like you are depressed to some extent, especially if a counselor told you as much.

Things can get better.  Just seek some help.  This is not something anyone can handle on their own.  It's not an emotional weakness.  It's a brain chemical imbalance.

Hang in there!

[witheredrose]

If its been over ten years and you stikl feel like this, I think its about time to see a counsler now! Sounds very much like depression, the feelimg you get in your chest you described, I get that too! A lot pf times I camt even cry, I feel like I can but it never happens.
I think you ought to try out counsling now. You definitely  cant live like this forever and I know you dont want to! you may just need some medication to help. If you cant recall anything  that could of caused this, then it may be  an imbalance of neurotransmitters in the brain and that can cause depression in some cases. norepinephrine, serotonin and dopamine are chemicals that work in the brain for mood. If these get imbalanced  it can result in depression, and medication helps to balance the chemicals.  Have a talk with your doctor, and see what you can bring to surface!
Stress can also lead to depression!
Good luck!