"And I know, I know when I compliment her she won't believe me". Please Help :(

[HamedKhatiz]

Please Respond, I cannot get this out of my head! It is long, very long, but yeah. Good morning or evening or day or night or afternoon ladies and gentlemen and hello. My name is Hamed Khatiz and I am a sixteen year old, adviser, friend, former friend, drummer, singer, writer and many more from Sydney NSW Australia. I have been thinking over the last couple of days about the time I lost my friends in August and anyone who has heard this before has heard it all before. I am intensely sorry for bringing the subject up again and making it seem the same old song, but this time it is different.

For those who don't know, whassup, name's Hamed. It all started one morning in August. Stefanie is a seventeen year old young woman who is intelligent, funny, beautiful, understanding, empathic (or empathetic) and respectful. She was to me too. We were mates, we would hang out together at the basketball courts at the bottom of our school and supported each other and smiled all the time and all the good stuff you normally see.

I woke up one morning and something was different. She looked down towards the floor instead of at me, have I got something on my face? Have I done something or said something to knock her off guard one day, what? It slowly deteriorated. A couple of days later, she wouldn't hug me, she would have an awkward smile on her face whenever she saw me adn it went downhill from there. Now, she screams at me, she blocked me on Facebook, she won't talk to me, look at me, be near me. August!!!!! :'(

We are graduating in same class and we cannot be in the same room.

We have not seen, heard from each other or talked to each other since Christmas. She blocked me and School's over, it is Summer break. Flip yeah!!!!!!!!!! You are up to speed.

In November, I finally mustered up the courage to write an email to her asking her what the flip her problem was and I got a very disheartening result. She accused me of making assumptions, calling my other friend a liar etc. I wrote the email very carefully, I really care about her and I did wasn't interested in hurting her at all. She musn't have gotten the point. I never heard why she hates me so much when everyone else seems to love me. Not from her, not fully.

OK, fast forwarding to a few days ago, probably the Wednesday the 11th of January, 2012 and I decided on a pivotal moment. I decided, for some unknown reason, to revisit the email. Don't ask me why, I have no idea, but I read it again. I was immediately angry. Anger is my main emotion, a couple of the guys would know what I mean, but I was rushing up. Big time. I was then sad and then began doubting and questioning what I could have done to make it better. I began doubting and questioning myself.

I mean seriously, what does she see in me so strongly, that she can't talk to me, be near me ever again???!!!

I have been bullied a giant chunk of my life, six years from sixteen. My whole life I have been told I am fake, I cannot do anything right. The rest of that time, I was told:

"Mate, you killed that performance"
"I really appreciate your confidence"
"You're amazing"

I went to my wonderful classmate, Courtney today asking her what she thought about me and she said all these wonderful things and I don't know why, I have trouble believing her. I keep thinking people are just being nice to me to make me feel better. Every time someone says something like that I am thinking:

"(Scoffs) Yeah Right (!)"
"Just stop saying that and tell me what you really think!"

Why can't I believe their compliments and remarks and why can't I get this girl out of my head?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I still think incredibly highly of her, I always did, because I know she is better than this. She is amazing to everyone else, but  not me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I don't even care about making amends anymore, I just want to forget. And I want to believe people when they tell me these things, I want that more than anything. I'm exhausted. :'(

Comments, support, love, answers, whatever. No questions, I am sick of questions.

Khatiz.

[HamedKhatiz]

Wow, man, I gotta say, your therapist picked a good play. That is clever. Simple, but very clever and I would imagine fairly effective. I guess when you reevaluate, you realise, the negative things you thought then would seem ridiculous to you now. That ties in with the fact that good friends have stuff in common with you, passions, style, traits,

Sweet.

[brice1967]

Hey Hamed,
I went through quite a bit of therapy pertaining to my depression and perhaps I can shine a light on how you feel.  First thing I'd like to address is not believing or feeling the good when a compliment comes your way.  Man, I used to feel the same thing.  With me, I was (and still am to some extent) my harshest critic.  I felt like a failure on some levels, so when someone would try to compliment me I just didn't see it.  My opinion of myself just got in the way.  (I was told by my therapist that when we do not love/like/appreciate ourselves, we cannot accept love from others.  Along with that, it is harder for us to express genuine feelings towards others.)  What I was asked to do was to take an honest inventory of all of my traits... good and bad.  After a bit of thinking, I came up with a pretty substantial list of both good and bad.  When I reviewed this list with my therapist, she told me to pay attention to the good first and find those traits in others around me.  So, for a week I basically secretly evaluated everyone.... not judged them, but evaluated them looking for the positive traits I found in myself.  Most of my friends had those traits and I was surprised to find that a lot of other people did too.  It was kind of enlightening.

Next trip back I was asked about the negative things I found within myself.  As we went through the list, the therapist knocked down some things that weren't that accurate, but then asked me to evaluate others looking for the negative things I saw in them.... again, not judging, but evaluating.  Most of the negative things that my therapist knocked down concerning myself were not present.  A lot of the things that were present were similar to my own dislikes about myself.  I then was asked to make a conscious decision to work on those negative feelings.... and they were just feelings.  The negative things weren't really me.  I focused on the positive, paid attention to changing the negative and things came around for me.

Now.... as for this girl not liking you....  that is all on her, man.  It would be real nice to know what it is that she doesn't like about you, but perhaps the problem is really hers.  Like the stuff I mentioned above, when I was mad at me, I was mad at others.  Somehow, it seemed normal to me at the time.  I know, what kind of sick mutt thinks like that, right?  

All you can do Hamed, is work on you.  Be the genuine article each and every day.  Work on the things you can control, and work around the things you cannot.  We can only control ourselves and trying to control others will eventually drive you crazy.  Consider yourself a "work in progress".  Concentrate on that above all else and some of the answers you're looking for will probably come right to you.  Some might not, on the other hand... but remember that you can only control you!

[ku111]

As long as you didn't do anything wrong then you are going to have to move on.  If she were truly your frind she would have come to you for an explanation of whatever was bothering her.  I am so sorry to say but you will find this sometimes throughout your life.  But, you will also have friends that you might not always agree with but they talk things out with you and you will always remain friends-nomatter what.  Those are the friends you put your energy into.  Always make sure YOU are a good person and friend and you do the right thing.  If that is not good enough then move on.  When everyone gets older and matures this will become a small disagreement.  Stop apologizing.  You already have made several attempts (bless your heart) and you have said you are sorry.  Go to friends that value who you are and be happy!  You have many amazing things a head of you!  Goodluck!  

[RainLover71]

This is a tough one and very complex because it appeared as though you were excellent friends and then something happened and things were said by her and it all turned on it's head.I think some people are unpredictable and have this ability to change rather quickly.To me it makes no sense because your friendship seemed so strong and caring.I have learned on my 40 years on this planet that people can change very quickly and the friend you thought you had and would have for along time would be there always,not always the case at all.Relationships,friendships are difficult and demand alot of work,I wouldn't be to hard on yourself concerning this one because it's clearly not your fault.