Aa
Aa
A
A
A
Close
Avatar universal

Best Friend Taking Our Depression on Me

My best friend in the world is going through a tough time--her mom was recently diagnosed with cancer--at first she responded well to treatment but she is beginning to get sick again.  She is in her third round of chemo.  About a month before her mom was diagnosed, her father abruptly left her mother---after 30+ yrs of marriage--without a reason.  That was tough on my friend--and then finding out her mother had a terminal illness made it even worse.  The initial diagnosis was about 1.5 years ago.  We both grew up together in the same hometown and now live in the same city, about 2 hours away from our hometowns, where her still mother lives.  I have a steady career and am happy with my life right now; and she is having trouble finding a career due to her depression---she was diagnosed and was put on medication about a year ago, which helped tremendously.  Anyway, prior to her diagnosis and medication regiment, she took out her anger on me.  She would make me feel bad about myself on a daily basis and told me I was annoying—I stopped telling her anything about my own life because she would become jealous and hostile.  I love her to death and want to be here for her, but it’s very hard.  After she was put on medication and started regularly going to therapy, we had a long talk about the way she treated me.  She admitted she was funneling her anger out at me, because I am the closest to her (although she does have a live-in boyfriend, we have known each other since childhood so I think she feels she can take her anger out on me more so than him).  I told her I would always be here for her.  Anyway, to make a long story short(er!), her mother has taken another turn for the worse and I again am being treated horribly.   I just want to be here for her and help her along but I also cannot take constant criticism and anger from her.  Does anyone have any suggestions on how to deal? I don’t know if I should just leave her alone (I don’t want her to feel any more alone), or should keep on sticking by her and making sure she is okay.  Should I say something to her? I do not have depression myself so I do not know the best way to handle this situation without making anything worse for her.  
2 Responses
Sort by: Helpful Oldest Newest
250798 tn?1347934880
I find it to amazing how many individuals in this world went through so much of the same thing as myself, close friend or distant relative. 11 years ago my uncle passed away of cancer - I was 11 years old then. My uncle Bill lived in Jerome Idaho I rarely seen him but a couple of weeks each year but he was a kind hearted man. My aunt lost her faith in God after he died, she became very angy and resentful. She does not speak a word of my uncle without tears welling up in her eyes. If i only i understood the pain she endured watching him hurt and get sicker and sicker.

Depression is crippling and handycapping. She does not want to lose you - why it is that all the anger, resentment, and pain is taken out on the one's that she loves the most is a mystery. She's taking out all her emotions on you because she does not know how to deal with them. Sometimes depression medication can only intensify this, its not always the solution and a pill that might work for me, or somebody else might not work well for her. When i put my boyfriend through the same thing i yell at him and do very mean things but deep down inside i want him to just hug me while i let everything out...he is so confused and upset half the time he doesn't know what to do.

My situation is different, i get depression a lot because i'm terribly attached to my mom...however the man she is with abused me when i was little she knew and did nothing. This affected me all my life, and my emotions only got more angry, hateful, resentful, and more strong after she kicked me out at age 19. I find those emotions coming out in the worst way and i take them out on my boyfriend. Sadly, i don't actually catch myself doing it half the time. We are all absorbed in our own pain so much that we don't realize the one trying to help us is the one we're hurting.

I'm sorry about your friend, she needs you, there is nothing i can say that will stop her from hurting you as badly as it is apparent. It sounds to me that she feels alone, and like there is no hope, her life is falling apart and she doesn't know what to do. Just hold her tight and close, let her know you love her and care for her and that its okay to let all her feelings pour out. Let her know you will be by her side, no matter what she says you wont give up.

good luck to you, may God himself carry you and your friend when you both feel like giving up. May Gods tears quench your thirst, and may his glory give you peace of mind. Don't give up...no matter how you feel love is the strongest medicine ....it hopes all things, bears  all things, endures all things, love never fails.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Stick by her. Let her funnel her anger out at you. Keep it in mind that you're doing that, and that should keep things in perspective. By the way, not fer nothin' or nothin' but my wife, "the Icepick", was diagnosed in 1990 with cancer and given 5 years tops. It took four operations, chemo, radiation, the whole nine yards, but we just got back from our evening walk and she's fine. I sure hope your friend's Mom is as lucky. Your friend's already lucky, to have you on her side. You are a beautiful person, lady.
Helpful - 0
Have an Answer?

You are reading content posted in the Depression Community

Top Mood Disorders Answerers
Avatar universal
Arlington, VA
Learn About Top Answerers
Didn't find the answer you were looking for?
Ask a question
Popular Resources
15 signs that it’s more than just the blues
Discover the common symptoms of and treatment options for depression.
We've got five strategies to foster happiness in your everyday life.
Don’t let the winter chill send your smile into deep hibernation. Try these 10 mood-boosting tips to get your happy back
A list of national and international resources and hotlines to help connect you to needed health and medical services.
Herpes sores blister, then burst, scab and heal.