Every Thing, Happens, for a Reason. I think most peoples Lives are more random by nature then Mine was ever meant to be. Nothing about my life, is without something, beneath it all, directing its course. Much like a God, as I think you know very well.
I Never got to Really Know you, as a child, a teen rather, I got hurt when I learned youd tell a girlfriend, lol, say, things like, how you loved Chess. And Id wonder How do I let Him Know I Am Interested too? In the things you liked as a Person, not Just as Alpha Dad lol.
You have learned Balance too I think, tho long before me, even still long After the days when I lived at home.
For all my life, and years, I have been way ahead of most 'age/mentality equivalent wise' and yet, way behind as well lol. Talk about putting a child and a young woman at odds with her self!
I think, in this Last letter from You, I see Where my gift for Writing comes from. That ability to word something so 'perfectly' for others and fluent. And like you, Words are hard to grasp when speaking from the mouth rather then from the hand.
So, what Else, about me, do I not Know about You? *Smiles*
You know, I envied Michael, the few times I recall you putting together model cars with him? I like So many Guy things lol.
My point is, to the world I am Just one person, but to Me, You are The World.
Ive learned Life often for Both sides of the coin, where as Most, I think, forever remain on One or the Other.
That Moment when I was the All frustrated Child, with that penchant for womanhood, and a Lack of ability to communicate-to Know How, I said to You:
That I feared Id never find the Wise Man I searched and Longed for.
The Hurt in Your Face, set me back, and you handled it with Dignity and Grace, saying to me:
Why Dont You BEcome what it is you Seek?. word for word.
That Moment woke me up to the World, and to Myself. Im uncertain if that was Before or After the divorce, I just have the moment burned into my mind. A Beautiful sunny day, the dining table and Us next to it, me closer to the counter. How bright it was in the house that day. And the Palpable Sadness my words had brought. Even tho I hadnt Meant to hurt your feelings, I knew in that Moment too, You Wanted to Be that person to me. And in most ways you always have been.
I didnt know how self centered I was In my Naivety. You Opened that Door to See for the first time, and the first little bit.
I Can Help people in this world, Because I Have been in their shoes. And my Life has Meaning Because of my Pain. And that instant when you made me Think.
I decided, Until I found my Wise Man, With his book of answers about life, lol, Id Be That as best I Knew or could Offer, because I Knew what it was to feel Lost, and didnt Wish that on others.
There was a moment too, when I was alone in the barn, full of rage at mother, and I began to kick a dying baby goat to death. In the same house, I Saw Then what I was becoming, Due to her Violence, and I Chose Not to let her make me a Monster. Abuse like hers, it carries the seeds to making serial killers.
Do you see a glimpse perhaps, of the difference of what I Am over what I Could have Become? And Why, its You I Thank for that Moment?
You Very Much Deserve and Are Warranted the Gratitude I only Try to communicate.
You Dont have to be Perfect to Be Worthy. The essence I think of the teachings of Christians with God and Jesus.
I will never accommodate and devote to 1 Religion, because I am Not Meant to, but I See into the hearts and souls of people and try to heal them, as myself.
I Listen with an open heart and an open mind- which Means that I dont Bar the teachings and Thoughts of others, I look into them for their Worth and Meaning within my Own life. I View more then just the Surface.
When you told me That if it helped Me to Heal my own soul, by talking about the things that Hurt you Most, It Floored me, and I Think that small moment as well-opened the doors for me to grow again and not to fear. The 1 Thing I Never have nor wish to do is Cause You Pain or Sorrow.
The Measure of a man is in what he gives, despite him self and its costs. You have taught me this.
Know I realize, its no Small gesture you offer me, and know IM Profoundly Grateful, and Feel Worthy(not just in you), and know how to make it so in others, Because of This. Because of You.
So many people Ive known, remember me a certain way, and want to keep me there. I end up a disappointment to them, because I am not All Wise. They Dont allow for Change in others. Like that Rascle Flatts Song, Im Movin On.
You have Allowed me to Change, and its the Single Greatest Gift I've Ever received...
Like Jesus saying to man after baptism, you are Forgiven, you are Born Anew.
I would say, all in all, You have Succeed Very Well as a Father, and a Mentor. To Both Sides of This Coin.
Seeds do indeed, provoke growth and harvest....And I understand too, that in Smallness there is Greatness.
If any of what Ive written this night is something useful to others, share it.
I think, I can Finally accept it, when you say 'Im Proud Of You', and Feel Worthy of, and in, it.
I Love You Very Much Dad, I Always Have.