Could I possibly have anxiety/deppression?

[InsertCreativeName]

I've been through a lot in the past few years, and I believe it has taken a toll on my mental health. If I do one little thing stupid, like if I'm running late for something I'll constantly remind myself after and tell myself how stupid I am and I should kill myself. I have considered it many times, suicide. Only attempted it once though. I believe I had a mental break down of some sort on the night I attempted suicide. I was crying and laughing hysterically and just spazzing out over nothing in particular. And I tired to end my life. Luckily, the scissors just bruised me. I keep wondering if I would of been better of if I really did die. I keep these sort of things to myself usually, because some people can be really judgemental. But lately this has gotten really bad and I constantly just want to cry and kill myself and I hate it. It like there an evil side to me that hates my guts. Depression and anxiety runs through my family, but I've never had the guts to talk about this to anyone. Could someone please help me I don't know what to do anymore. I've seen phycologists and neuropsychologists and all sorts of things, but I've never been able to open up. I feel like nobody knows me. I feel, to be frank, pretty ****. I'm only 15, I know I have a whole life ahead of me, but I just... Don't see the point. Please help. Thanks.

[mandy876]

you came to the right place the people here are wonderful.  you can talk and they will listen without judgement.  they helpd me and a lot more people.  we all have the same problems and we understand what you are feeling we have all been there.  i am much better thanks to my friends here.  write to them anytime day or night if they dont answer right away some are in different timezones.  but they will be there.  god bless your friend mandy876

[Anonymouse88]

Constantly thinking of suicide is a very good indication there's something wrong, and that it's *probably* depression, maybe with something else.  Especially given your family history of depression, it's quite likely that you have it too, which is not surprising given the extreme stresses you've been through.

You really need to talk to somebody, and get therapy, meds, or both.  Most schools have a guidance counselor, social worker, psychologist, etc. who you can see without your parents knowing (check first about confidentiality, but I'm pretty sure they won't tell your parents).  They can refer you to someone else if need be.  

During my major depressive episodes, I've had suicidal ideation, although I never attempted it.  I've also had the feeling hopeless about the future and crying at nothing and everything, and I'm often very hard on myself.  For me, medications made a huge difference, especially when it came to the intrusive thoughts of suicide.  It's a little more complicated at your age (I was 19 the first time), but it is an option.  

Just remember that you are not alone in feeling like this, and it's not your fault that you do.  And most importantly, it IS possible to feel better if you allow yourself to get help.  It takes a lot of courage to stand up to your depression telling you you aren't worth it, but you are.  Hang in there.

[Dolphinleiker]

Your welcome Sweetie! No wonder you're stressed and depressed you have soo much pressure on you to be the best or be better, for that I'm sorry. I know that kind of pressure. As or the eating disordered I somewhat know what you are going through, I had a eating disorder back in middle school and it made me sick so I had to stop, plus my older brother had to slap literally sense into me. I know how it feels to have parents that are preoccupied with themselves or other. Its very stressing you need to make time to write your feelings down make it like homework or part of your homework. I know you can make it through this you are a strong person who can persevere through anything don't let people get you down. People can surprise you even your parents. You can do it, good luck sweetie!!! :)

[InsertCreativeName]

Hi and thanks for replying :) it means a lot. I just really don't feel comfortable talking to my parents... They already have enough on their plate and already have a younger daughter seeing a physiatrist and a younger brother with autism, my mum already is on medicine for her depression and she always tells me how strong I am and how proud she is, I think it would hurt her deeply. I've also started a journal, but I've been so busy with studying, doctors appointments and school that I find it hard to write down in. If you were wondering, I've had CFS for about 3 going on 4 years, and the first time I told someone about my anorexia (which I still haven't complete recovered from) and the whole school knew about it. Some people where kind and some people saw me as some sort of a freak. I kept to myself after that and I don't trust people with my deep secrets. But anyway, I've had a few doctors try to get me to open up, the furtherest I've gone is tell them I'm sad quite a bit. I just don't feel like I can open up. Thanks for reading, I really appreciate the fact you care. :)

[Dolphinleiker]

Killing yourself is never the answer just remember that things can change. Have you been put on any meds for your depression? Yes, people can be very judgemental but eventually you will have to talk to someone, you need to talk to someone. It could your hormones too that are causing you to feel this way as well. There are lots of things you can do to help yourself, one thing I have done in the past to help me is writing in a journal getting those feelings out of your head can help. Have you tried talking a physiatrist which can prescribe you meds or even just listen to you, have you tried talking to your parents about the way you feel?  I know you think they may not understand but they could surprise you. Good luck!!!