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Avatar universal

Crying all day .breaking down at the most inappropriate times and making it worse .

I feel you I have recently become separated from my wife of 20 years I have an 11 year old a 5 year old and a one-year-old that  may never know my name because of some bad choices that I made I wasnt bad to them and haven't been making those choices not anymore. she says I was abusive but it was only verbally i would say ***** and cus .and there was no excuse i except nd know I was ugly.and deserve it to a point I would never  again be that person .I  wish forgiveness should be somewhere in the future but it seems hopeless and I feel everything that you have spoke about ending my existence through the window enough and I;m on the verge of not stopping through that window I don't know what to do I dont know who to talk to and I dont have anyone. I Kno that I have loved her with all I am and I could never stand by and watch someone else raise my children and love my wife.i will not .I am hanging only by a thread of Hope in that God will give me answers and guidemy words to touch her heart .but I just keep making it worse with every word I speak I'm at yrs old and want my sons and my little girl yo grow up in a home that bother parents are there for them as min where not I am loosing my children and my love and without them I am nothing.and refuse to cry all the time anymore.ive become a person who is so lost in my head that I don't want to be around myself .I am going to loose another job if I can't find myself and my life if I can't find a way back to her heart.she is a faithful and loving Ife who I feel abandon me for the children not to see me struggle with the addiction I had .it's been a year .I have been very much clean for little over 8months it is still hard .it is all around me and I need there support to continue to be clean and to keep the job that can give her the life she deserves.i am loosing the fight without them.and I am afraid. Afraid because I know I will leave this world if I can't find my way back to her and them .they are all I am.please   I hope that someone out there anyone that can help please im begging for the sake of my children and the family I so dearly want to save .someone. please help me. Please. I have no idea what to do but jump.i can't make it with out them.  Help me I will do anything for the answer or just for hope .I don't want to die but life is worth nothing without them. Help me please God help me.i will do and try anything to keep the family they deserve together  anything to see her look at me with my children in her arms and welcome me home .please help ....anyone.!?
2 Responses
1551327 tn?1514049467
Hello Gregg,
I completely underatand what you are going through. I went through the exact same thing. Of course it has been years now. But in 2010 when I return from Afghanistan I relapsed and start taking pain pills again. It got out of control like before and my wife wanted to move to Tennessee which is about 4 hours away to be with her family. She brought this up several times before however I never wanted to go. That is basically why I went to Afghanistan. I was out of options we were in debt and it was mostly due to my addiction and I know that that if something didn't change I would be in Tennessee with her family. I would have to leave behind my family friends and about 20 years worth of History and switch National Guard units. So when an opportunity came up to go to Afghanistan I took it. To make a long story short I came back from Afghanistan, realized, and when the thought of going to Tennessee came up again I went. At the time I had a three year old boy about to be 4 and a 6 month old that was born within the month I came back from Afghanistan. Watch me move to Tennessee I started Doctor shopping and get my pain pills that way also start taking other things. it wasn't long after being in Tennessee about a month and a half and she started cheating on me. we split up she kick me out and started making it difficult for me to see my kids and I felt like I had lost my life.   it wasn't long after that that I started having thoughts I'm not wanting to be in this world any longer. And they're also thought that if I do not have my wife at it I have my kids I have no life and no reason to live. those two thoughts go hand-in-hand and night or are true which is something I've learned. I would guess that's the main reason everything you say or anything you say isn't helping is because you become obsessive. I think this because I did. I caught all the time. I went from crying and wanting to get back together to cussing And trying to intimidate her to get back together with me. I called all the time out and Even when I wasn't calling I was thinking about calling and trying to resist calling. anyway, the advice I want to give you and the lesson that I learned was that nothing got better in my life until I let go of her. And I know way suggested that it is easy to do that. the National Guard sent me to treatment for the first time and in there I learned how to forgive myself for the addiction and found out why I needed the pills. once I found that out my state of mind started changing. I began to forgive myself then I studied on understanding myself. But in order to get from forgiving myself which come from knowledge to understanding what was underlying the addiction I had to forgive my ex-wife as well. when I'm waiting in I was to blame for everything in my marriage. When I found out that I was an addict I was no longer the enemy my insightful thoughts and personal recovery all of my attention and intellect went to understanding my ex-wife. luckily from the moment I got in to this point phone calls could only be placed at certain times in the day. Also they could not last very long. this enabled me a lot of time to think and reflect along with the groups that I went to. Moving on- what occurred next and it occur quickly within 30 days was that I forgave her. I learned that I was an addict. I learned why and most importantly I believed everything I heard. I knew that had I known I had all these underlying issues I most likely would have had those treated before the Addiction ever began. I didn't know. so how could my wife have known that. I'm sure it was hard on her and since I forgive myself at this point my heart aches and I feel great empathy for my wife. so now I'm thinking about calling her again. however this time I'm not obsessive I can wait till the right time. Also this time my intentions aren't to try to get her back or get my kids back. my intentions are to let her know but I found out what caused my addiction and what feeds my addiction. I did not apologize for that but I did let her know that I understand I can see now why was so hard on her. And in that moment She started to understand why it was so hard on me too. I stayed in treatment another 2 weeks after that learning more. I learned about co-dependent relationships. I learn how me and my wife were in one before. I learned about dysfunctional thought patterns and CBT. when I got out I was very strong stronger and I had been in years. I continue to call my wife because she allowed it now that I had calm down and forgave myself and forgave her but I didn't call as much and I wasn't obsessed of her asking her back when I did. I started talking to a girl I met on the internet start hanging out with her. At the same time I was calling to check on my kids and even getting them for a week at a time sometimes.  The bottom line is I do understand how you're feeling. I am offering hope and I can promise you it gets better. but that promise doesn't hold up if you accidentally take your own life. I do not know if you have ever had an attempt before. the thoughts are automatic the feeling that you feel comes from the thought the action is what you want to stay away from and the way to do that is the way you did this time by coming on here and telling us what you were thinking and that's great. I did the same thing when I first came on here in 2010. I found this site the research about 5 months before my first time in an inpatient psych Hospital the compassionate and wise members that greeted me and welcome me into the addiction site where the first ones to make me feel better about my addiction. it would be 5 months before I found myself impatient at a psych hospital for the treatment of mental illness and chemical dependency or addiction. during that time impatient I would learn all the things I just told you. When I got out it wasn't long after that that my wife actually returned the me wanting me back and apologizing. we spend a great weekend together and I had a great time with her and my children. Funny thing is and she's driving back to Tennessee to get her things and move back to Kentucky to be with me I decided I will call her break up with her. she thought it was an evil act and that I knew I was going to do it the whole time she was there. she believed that I was after Revenge. she screamed and cussed me and cried and hung up and called back and scream and cuss me and cried. it is quite strange that the tables turned that way. before going into treatment I was the one obsessed and calling and calling. now she is doing it. Anyway, cm this is my story and your story will likely look very similar given differences in time and outcome.   and although it was hard it was a necessary step for me to forgive myself.
973741 tn?1342346373
First, let me say, I am so sorry you are going through this.  How is the addiction?  Are you clean?  That's the first step.  If you are actively working on that, you will then have a better chance to reunite with her.  Usually addiction has a mental health component, be it depression or anxiety.  Treating this as well is very helpful.  And offering to do therapy, alone AND as a couple.  these things could greatly impact the outcome.  You have to work on yourself first.  Then you can work on you two as a couple and as a family.  

Please know that people care.  Do you have AA in your area?  A sponsor, meetings are essential.  Do you need rehab?  I'm not sure where you are at with the addiction and more info would help.  MedHelp has an awesome addiction forum.  Here is a link: https://www.medhelp.org/forums/Addiction-Substance-Abuse/show/77  I know some of the people over on that forum and they are terrific.  Many have been through the same thing as you.  Please write on that forum for support too.  Wishing you the best and we are here for you.  hugs

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