I am a 17 year old female (turning 18 on September). Lately, my depression got worse than ever. I can't seem to function. I almost stay in my bed 24/7. I'm always absent at school. I didn't take exams on some of my subjects. I failed almost all my subjects with no exams and quizzes or without quizzes for not attending school. I am in my third year of preparatory medicine (my country doesn't follow K12 before. So I graduated high school at grade 10, 15 years old). I want to quit school for a year. I need break. My parents dont know I'm suffering from depression for a couple of years now. I dont go to any professionals except our college counselor.
My depression began when I was on my 1st year college. It was my first time to be away from my family. I felt so alone, I was lonely and miserable. I cant sleep at night, my mind's always racing, and I dont have any appetite for food. I dont know what to do, so I tried to commit suicide by jumping off our college building. My parents learnt that but didnt believe me when I told them that it was because I was homesick. They thought I had a boyfriend and broke up with him. And my depression got worse then... Even my parents dont believe me. At that time, I didnt know I was suffering from depression. The closest thing I thought is that I was homesick.
Since suicide is out of the question... I began hurting myself to lessen the pain whenver it becomes unbearable or whenever I feel so empty, I feel inhuman. It's like I'm a living dead. I cut. I was always absent on my 2nd year college but I still managed to pass. I relied on my brain to pass my subjects.
But now on my third year, even my brain cant save my subjects. I missed too much activities from school. I still have three terms to pass my subjects. But even the smallest motivation I had, left me. I cant function anymore. This depression is making me crazy. I would just fail the rest of my terms. I cant save my subjects... In fact, it would just put more stress and pressure on me. And it's bad for my depression. They trigger my depression aside from anxiety.
I always avoid and run away from my depression. Thinking that if i just hold on for a time and cut... I'll manage. But it's always temporary. I want it gone, permanently. So, I'm thinking of dropping out of college for a year. I want to find myself... Fix myself. I want to be happy again. I haven't been happy for years now. I want that emotion again. I want rest from so much stress and pressure from school. This break, I can now go to professionals for help. I will finally tell ny parents that I have severe depression and i need a break from school.
Do you think my decision's wise? Or do you think by this reason, I can convince my parents I need a break? I'm honestly scared of telling them because they might not understand my situation and think that i'm just acting out. They expect too much from me it became a burden. They think that I'm smart and I can handle things... But I'm just a person, capable of getting hurt and breaking down. Also, I'm afraid that they would just scold and give me a sermon if I tell them the truth instead of supporting me, just like the first time i told them the reason why i attempted suicide. I'm scared that they would just reject me or be disappointed in me. It would just hurt me more. I might kill myself if that happened.