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Avatar universal

Depression *****...

Hi... I am 16, and I have been suffering depression, it may have been bipolar depression for a couple years now. It really just started off as being moderately harassed ( mainly verbally ), for nonstop 2 years about the way my voice sounded, ( I had my tonsils removed which seemed to help ), my appearance, and how "retarded" I was. I soon became depressed from all of that and then started to question myself at around age 14-15. I was starting to ask questions like, is this the truth on what I am really believing? ( I am raised in a Christian family, but I am not a Christian anymore nor an Atheist, I just want to live life ). As time went by I was educating myself and talking to people with similar stories. It really helped at the time being, but it was just wasn't enough.

I also had a really hard time with girls, not in a friends way, but if I really liked someone, I screwed up big time. That caused harassment (from other kids in the school) and made me anti-social and started to become a loner. By when I was 15 I was being moderately physically harassed, which just made things worse. During this time, which was a bad time, I for the first time fell in love with the most amazing girl I have ever seen, but as always I screwed up. What made me worse was that I had to move across the sea to a new home because of my dad's job and that made me more depressed. I would have killed myself then if it weren't for the girl I am in love with because she was the first person I ever told my story to. ( She is with a BF, so that is causing more Anxiety on me ).

After about a year living in a new place I was starting to become happy being a loner. Because I would not have to deal with retarded teenagers ( besides my few close friends ), in high school. So now I am on my summer vacation back at my original home and my mind seems to be calming down.. but anxiety is disturbing my life now. Whenever I am talking to someone, or meeting someone for the first time, I keep having thoughts like ( they think I am retarded, or I say to myself I am an idiot, a freaking idiot ). I also keep saying that nobody cares. I don't really have a lot of support in my life, mostly because I do not like to open up with my closest friends or family. I'm just afraid of how they would react, especially my family, considering my religion change from being a " Christian " to nothing. I was calling myself an Atheist at one point but I really just didn't care if there was an actual God or not.

Reason why I am posting my story here is that I am just feeling like giving up, like just don't bother with this **** anymore. But, I stop myself from suicide for whatever reason. ( Mostly because I am still in love with the amazing girl, and I am a music producer and I juts love music ). Probably what my reason for being here is that I am asking here is mostly support, or stories if anyone has to share any.  

("Right now I am thinking why am I bother posting this? No one cares", because from being harassed ) .
7 Responses
Avatar universal
You've come to a great site. The people here are very caring and supportive. It's hard being a teenager is'nt it? I remember my teen years worrying about what people thought of me and if my grades were good enough. Believe me, this will all just be a distant memory in a few years. In the mean time talk to your parents about how your feeling. If you don't feel comfortable talking with them then see your school counselor. I know school starts again very soon. We're here to help you anyway we can.  Remar
Avatar universal
Trapezoid!  (best geometric shape ever)

First of all, you're doing a great job at avoiding suicide.  I've spent the last 20+ years avoiding it by doing just as you are - finding reasons not to.  Remember to keep that skill - it's important!  And stick with the music!  It can really have a healing touch sometimes (I can't believe that at 16 you're producing music - that's fantastic!)

You mentioned not talking to friends or family - does your family even know you've been depressed?  If they don't, they probably should.  Hopefully, they will be understanding.  You don't need to mention your doubts/apathy about God or your religion change - just make them aware of the depression.  They may react poorly to it, so try to talk with them calmly on a day when you're feeling a little better than normal.

While not telling anyone makes it easier to avoid potential ridicule, you're also ensuring you can't get support.  Support is vitally important!  Perhaps you can find a therapist/counselor/etc. that you can trust to talk to.  The previous poster recommended a school counselor which could be a good idea - if you're comfortable with that.  Personally, I never spoke to my school counselor - it just wasn't comfortable and, in high school, who wants to talk about all of their problems while in the school building?  

Unfortunately, you have the added "normal" teenage anxiety of worrying about what others think of you to complicate everything - but with a few more years, that should wane.  You've taken a good first step.  While no one here knows you, we can offer support and, hopefully, show you that even people who don't know you can care.  Drop in anytime!
1406964 tn?1283207466
First of all I think you need to find someone you can talk to face to face, and yes you are depressed. A counsellor would be the best person, but a best friend or relative would be fine.

Who cares whether you believe in God or not? You are a valuable human being in your own right.  You have you own beliefs and everyone should respect them. If your parents are deeply religious, then yes, they may be upset, but they will still love as their son and respect you.

As for your low self esteem, there are past reasons, all unfair, that have caused this, and that is why you need to talk to someone sympathetic who can help you work through them.

At some point, you do need to see a doctor. You don't want these vague suicidal thoughts to plague you for ever.  Would it be possible for you to tell your parents that you need to see a doc without necessarily telling them the whole reason? You don't need to lie to them, just tell them you aren't feeling well, which is true

The doc may decide you need a course of antidepressants, and after a few weeks on them, you may feel confident enough to open up to friends and family. Your doc may also be the best person to refer you on to a good counsellor.

If you don't know your doctor very well, that's even better as it's often easier to open up to a complete stranger.

At your age I was a total, total emotional mess, much worse than you, and yes it was miserable, but it does pass.

I'm a music lover too, and I'm completely amazed and VERY envious that you've managed to get into music production. That would be my life's dream, so you must be doing some thing right!

With all my very best wishes.
Avatar universal
Thanks guys for the response, and yeah I've been producing for 5 years, ( electronic stuff, thanks to computers :P )

To the person who mentioned about anti-depressants: I've heard about those meds, but I do not really want to get into them. I'd rather not be addicted to a drug like that because I've heard people say that it is hard to get out of it.

Also for " teenage" anxiety, I don't really care what people think of me anymore. If they despise me in any single way, then I just don't care. I've learned the hard way. I just have a constant worry about something, like either I am going to die today or is life really worth living, that kind of anxiety. A few months ago I was actually afraid to fly even when I was already a frequent traveler.  

And for opening up to family and friends: I'm just uncomfortable on doing that. I like to keep things to myself because I do not want to take this into the extreme and what not. I like the way it is right now, because I do not want my friends or family to be worrying about me. I am just fine dealing with this alone right now. And it is kind of hard to "lie" to my parents by just saying that I want to go to the doc. They will keep on asking why.  
1406964 tn?1283207466
I would still like to encourage you to see a doctor. This kind of thing is incredibly hard to deal with on your own. It's also very lonely.

I was very like you. I strongly felt that I didn't want to take antidepressants. I thought they would change my personality, take away the person I was, and make me lose my creativity and flair.

However, there's loads of different kinds of antidepressants. A few are notorious for being hard to get off, but many aren't. When I eventually got persuaded to take them, after a few weeks I felt happy for the first time in years. I could concentrate better, think more sharply and didn't lose any flair. I really regretted that I hadn't agreed to take them years before.

After about nine months I came off them, (no withdrawals) and remained well for years.

I've had a few courses since (over 30 years), but after the first time I could tell when I needed to go back on them. I was never on them for very long and they never caused any problems.

In fact I'm on them now! I've been on them about 4 months and I'm a much brighter person, much more able to function and work and maintain relationships, and the past week or so I've started to realise that it'll soon to time to stop them again.

If you glance through the other postings, you'll soon see which antidepressants are best avoided (Venlafaxine for one), but generally they're nothing to be scared of.

If you really feel you can't talk to family or friends, how about a counsellor? Sometimes it's much easier to talk to a stranger, who doesn't judge you and has no preconceived ideas about who you are.  

There is truly light at the end of this tunnel, but being prepared to accept help can make that tunnel one hell of a lot shorter!

Take care
Avatar universal
I was not trying to imply anything by the teenage anxiety remark other than all teenagers have a lot of anxiety - and it just tends to worsen depression.  You had mentioned you were worried that people thought you were stupid, upset with your appearance, etc.  I'm glad you've made it past all that, though.  I doubt I would have made it past 17 if I had worried about that stuff.

I know it's difficult to tell anyone - I waited over 4 years to even tell my parents.  All that time, I had pills, razors, etc. hidden under my bed for when I was ready to die.  My parents didn't take it well, but I survived it.  It did, however, make it easier to find people I trusted to talk to.  I had already experienced about the worst reaction someone could have had.  If you're worried about seeing a doctor, tell your parents you want to see your regular doctor (I'm assuming you have a pediatrician or family doctor).  Just tell them you need a check-up because you're thinking of trying out for some sport (if you can't bear to tell them).  Or make up some lie about hoping to find help for acne or that you want to talk to the doctor about "personal" issues.  Find something.  Once there - ask the doctor for a recommendation on who you can see in confidence, without involving your parents.  There should be an option somewhere.  If things get really bad and you can't go on without support, there should be an emergency mental health clinic (kind of like an emergency room for mental health issues) in your area that you can use to seek immediate help.

Life really can be better once you let a couple people in on your "secret."  It took me a long time to get there, but now I don't care who knows.  I just know it gets too hard to deal with alone sometimes.  And this world needs good music producers!
Avatar universal
I don't really want to bother giving white lies to my parents about going to the doctor. I'll rather wait till I'm 18 where I can personally see my own doctor myself. It'll just be soo much easier.
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