If it means anything, I understand.
I have been where you are and in many ways am still there. I have tried therapy for years with no results - still unable to feel any happiness, joy, hope...Right now I am seeing a counselor and psychiatrist for depression/anxiety. Is it working? I don't know. I'm taking Effexor for the "chemical imbalance" and talking to the therapist for my "distorted thinking" and inability to feel anything good, etc, etc. Like you, in the past, the only thing that made me feel happy was being in an intimate relationship. I still struggle everyday, and it sure isn't easy.
I really hope things turn around for you. Even if it seems like it, you are not alone.
Hey Creston. I thought you were feeling better. Did anything in particular happen lately? Please don't give up. I know how tempting it is but it's not the answer. You do have people who care. We care on here. Yes, we do! You have a family who cares.
Yes, I believe God is real and I think you do too based on our previous discussions. I think you may be disappointed or angry with him right now because you don't understand why you are going through this. I understand. I really do. I do know he doesn't want you to take your life. He does care. Try and think back to the times you were feeling pretty good. What happened then to make you feel that way? You do have a lot to live for. Try and remember that. You have a family who loves you. You do contribute to this world and there's so much more you can do. You can make a difference in someone's life. That's how God works. He takes our pains and sorrows and uses them to help others who are going through the same thing. We're meant to help each other and look after each other. We are supposed to grieve when our friends grieve and rejoice with them when they're joyful. That's what we're here for. Please talk to us. Get it out. I'm a good listener. You can always pm me if you want. You know that. Creston I care. Please just talk to us. And see if you can find someone there to talk to. Reach out to someone else who needs you. It will give you such a good feeling when you can do that. I will be praying for you.
" I know part of healing will be spiritual....and to get my thoughts and faith to where needs to be."
Remember that? I copied that out of a pm you sent me in November. I looked back at some of our messages and some of the posts you responded to here and I see a very caring man. You can't give up Creston. Remember, your daughter's about my daughter's age. You know what this would do to her? She needs her dad. Your son needs you. Your wife needs you. And yes, we need you here. Like I said, I looked back at some of your responses to people including mine. You were so caring towards me when I had issues with my daughter. Now it's my turn. I'm here for you, Creston when you want to talk. Please talk to me! I want to know how you're doing.
Did you wind up moving? How was that? I know moving can be stressful but you were moving to an awfully beautiful place. Did you retire yet? I know you were thinking about it.
Creston, talk to me!! Please!! I want to know how you're doing. I'll keep bugging you until you talk to me! I will! I will keep sending you messages. I really want to hear from you. I really want to know what's going on. I'm sorry I wasn't here for you for so long. I got too wrapped up in my own life and my own problems, I guess. I'm here now though and I care. Please know that. I care. I'm waiting to hear back from you. I haven't given up.
I don't know you and I don't know the pain that's filled your every pore, but I do know this. You can not give up because you have a son and daughter!!!!! They would NEVER RECOVER IF YOU DID SOMETHING TO HARM YOURSELF!!
I'm sorry, but you don't have the luxury to end your pain and torment because you would irreparably damage their lives forever. They are a part of you...it would be comparable to taking an ax and chopping off one of their arms or legs if you suddenly decide to end your life.
You have a responsibility to keep trying to find some help for yourself. There are many, many drugs that can help you with your pain. Yes, it is exhausting going through drug trials....yes,it's painful....it can feel like a worst hell than the one you are currently living in when you're trying to find the correct one and the correct dosage.
But, you have no choice!! If your current Dr. is of no help, you need to find another one. I know that your spirit is broken, but it can be repaired and become whole again.
I am sending you a long-distance blessing in the hope that you find the strength to fight the fight and keep trying to get better. I know that you want to give up and throw in the towel, but you can't...because, as you said, "it is a failure of personality (or lack thereof) and character"....
I hope that you are still reading the posts that are being written to you...
Hi Creston. I don't know you, in fact I am new to this site and still trying to figure out how it all works, but I ran across your post and it really hit me hard. Why? for one I see another human being in pain, and instantly I want to help in some way, its just in my nature, and secondly, I am right where you are and feel the same way. My feelings are day by day. It seems that you do every thing the doctors tell you to do, therapy, meds blah blah and you still feel the same way. It does get frustrating. The only thing that keeps me going is my little girl. Sometimes I think if weren't for her I would throw in the towel. I have no choice though, I simply cannot. Creston, don't ever doubt the diagnosis, all of us feel like its our fault and we are just weak, and depression isn't real. That is the depression talking.I just watched a documentary on depression yesterday at 4am (couldn't sleep due to MY depression ha ha). It was people from all walks of life battling it. From a gang member to corporate execs. You know what, now they can see depression! MRI's can see the activity on the frontal lobe of the brain. I won't go into the mumbo jumbo, I am a nurse and I get fascinated by this stuff but they are on the edge many new treatments that don't involve meds. Hallelujah! Its not your fault.We people who battle this, have it rough sometimes, the ups downs in betweens.It sounds like you are going through a rough time, and if you can remember a time when it was better, remember there is hope.There is always hope. That is what I tell myself in my worst times. I have come up before.
I want to tell you a brief story, about a patient I had when I first got out of college.It was proof to me that depression is real. At the time even though I was depressed I didn't have a good understanding of it.We had a fellow we'll call him, Lyle. I was working in a nursing home. Everyday Lyle got up ,shaved, dressed himself, took care of his own needs mostly just needed supervision. Lyle and I loved to joke around. He always called me "meanness and troublemaker" and I called him that back, I always told him to stay out of trouble for the day, as I gave him his meds. I always got his coffee special for him fresh out of the pot.One day his daughter was concerned that he was on to many meds and ask me to have the meds reviewed by the Doc. So I did. He had heart pills,BP, coumadin, several things he had to have, but he was on several supplements vitamins, iron, calcium, and Prozac. So the Doc took him off the extra vitamins and discontinued the Prozac. Now Lyle knew nothing about his meds, he took what was given to him with out even looking. He ate good always cleaning his plate at each meal so the vitamins weren't an issue, just something we give most elderly due to poor immunity, bones etc. I was off on vacation for a few days then had my week end off. I came back only to hear that my favorite patient was sick and they didn't know if he would make it. Lyle was not eating, could not feed himself. Sat in his chair drooling, would not shave,(this was his favorite thing to do and did it several times a day with his electric razor), food or liquid placed in his mouth would run back out. I went to see Lyle immediately.He wouldn't talk to me. He slept. I called his name" hey trouble". No response.The thing is, no one could pinpoint what had happened. A stroke? Just a slow decline as elderly do? The doctor and I were brainstorming one day and we remembered the Prozac.He immediately reordered it incase just maybe that was it. Well Creston guess what happened. It was like a flower blooming. Slowly I had my Lyle back.He didn't know anything about depression. He didn't understand meds. What did it prove? Its real. Its a clinical example of depression and what it can do. Its so important to keep doing what your supposed to do even though it doesn't feel like its working.
I know its a long post. Sorry, since I don't know you. I believe in God and you don't want to hear all the the fluffy stuff. I will say it like it is God doesn't give up on you, even when your frustrated with him. His love is unconditional. He understands that your human and you get you pissed. He still loves you and will be there when your ready to talk. He put you here for a reason, as he did all of us with problems, maybe ( from reading the other posts) to help someone else. Sometimes it only takes a few kind words to pull someone back from the edge. It has me. I've been to the edge, I looked down, I've even jumped. I thank the Lord I am here to send you this post. Hold on sweetie. The world ,your family. your friends need you. Its not your fault. What you feel is real.
Beautiful, fairymoon. I couldn't have said it better.
Creston, it IS real! If you ever wanted proof then read the article I just posted on here. It was in my paper. I immediately thought of you when I read it. Creston, there IS hope out there. You've got to hang on! Please let us know how you are. I'm praying.
I read youe post....and felt two things.....one.....heartbreak...I've been there...and I HAVE come out of a very dark place, just like you could. It aint easy...it's a long tough road....but there IS a light at the end.
The SECOND thing I felt? To be totally honest was anger. Anger at all the "Me's" and I's" in your initial post....and then learning you have children. Depression is all consuming...but suicide? I'm sorry...but it's a cop out...the easy way out. It's about taking your OWN pain away without regard to the pain of others. There is nothing worse in life than to see your own children iin pain, right? Well, just try to imagine the pain that they would have if they lost their Dad...b/c HE wanted to leave this world. The guilt and sorrow they would feel would be life long. It's a lot easier to throw the towel in and take the easy road....rather than to stay and fight the good fight.
I'm NOT trying to be mean....I'm being dead honest. If you can dig deep and for a minute think about ALLLL of the suffering in the world...people with terminal illnesses who would give ANYTHING for the gift of "time"....people who live with excruciating physical pain every day of their life....but keep getting up another day b/c they WANT to live....for them and for their loved ones.
What you are feeling (or are NOT feeling in a lot of ways) is awful...I've been there. I know your pain...and I feel so badly for you...but you need to keep trying. Even if it takes you the rest of your life to "try" and find the thing that will work for you. It's out there. I know it is discouraging...but, you have to dig DEEP and find an iota of "you" that is left....not for "you", not for "God"...but for those children who would spend EVERY special moment in their lives thinking.."I wish Dad were here to see this." or "I wish I could call Dad". Pull on their love and need for you to be in their lives. It is hard enough for a child to lose a parent...but even harder when a child loses a parent because THEY took themselves out.
Finally...I KNOW my words are harsh. I meant them to be. You were honest in your post...and I'm being honest in mine. Through all my harshness...I will hope for you that you find the strength to go on and live another day...even if you take it one day at a time...one HOUR, one MINUTE at a time. You said no one has been "cured". "Cure" is a pretty tough word when discussing depression/anxiety. I am living proof that there IS RECOVERY from both. It wasn't easy.....and it took a while...but damn, was it worth it.
Wishing you the best. You have people here who apparently care very deeply for you.....lean on them. Cry, scream, run around naked in your backyard...anything that will remind you that you ARE indeed still alive.
(Btw, I accept no responsibility for any charge that will stem from the "indecent exposure"......lol. Have a laugh at that one...it's good for the soul)
My best wishes to you.
Creston, I tried to send you a private message but was blocked so I will write here. I will not speak of God or use "flowery words" of hope and sunshine. Where you are right now is too dark for any of that to have any meaning. You have received some solid advice from some very knowledgeable people. You see you have said that you made up your mind and that you feel no one understands you. I take comfort that you have written because in doing so you have reached out and that means there is still some hope and life in you. Creston, depression is NOT a character flaw, YOU are NOT flawed. Others do understand but what you need to realize is that your sadness and despair is unique to you so you will never feel completely understood even as all these folks stand in the darkenss right next to you. This site and the anxiety board are so very active that there can be no denying that you are not alone. Creston, you've said medication and therapy has not worked for you, I wonder if maybe you stopped the mediations and therapy prematurely because you felt better or because you resent needing them. Forgive me if I am wrong in that assumtion. I do hope you post back but short of that I certainly hope you are reading and taking in what the above posters have offered. Take care, Creston, hope you choose to keep fighting.
Thank-you for your kind (and pointed) comments. I know taking my own life is not the answer. The thoughts are real and I'll have to deal with them.
What seems to be missing is knowing what/how to feel better (or feel anything). Everything feels so numb. What else is missing is having an understanding ear like you all can provide. Someone here, close. My wife is unable to understand. I cannot seek further "professional" help due to my profession. It sounds dumb, I know. Cant seek help because it will mean the end of my career. My "livelyhood". Why would that matter if the alternative is this? I dont know other than my entire person, what little worth I feel in this world is in my job. Pathetic, huh? Also, a practical issue. Got to pay the bills. So, I'm here, posting on this website, trying to figure it out on my own. And with a little assist from you all. Not exactly orthodox?
I do know the hurt which would result. If I didnt, I would have been gone long ago. You are right. Maybe its a reflection of how terrible this can be. Or its a reflection of my own weakness. That I dont know. I do believe, for me, that I am not "depressed" in a clinical sense. But I do know I have poor coping skills in certain areas. And have some unresolved issues in regards to my own parents and siblings. Such that I squashed for 40 years. And now they all want to come out and I dont know how to deal with them. I want to squash them down for good. Nothing good can come from drudging up old wounds.........very deep wounds. I see this a weakness. We all have a sob story to tell. Mine is no different. What does that say other than I'm weak. Somedays, I rationalize, my kids, long term, would be better off. Leaving a legacy of insanity is not too much better......is it?
Thanks for your inputs. I will get through this. If I didnt want help, I wouldnt have posted. Need an objective input now and again. And about the running around naked thing---I dont want to scare the local wildlife away.
I have tried to reach out to the few I can. I explicitely told my wife how I'm feeling and how depressed I've felt. She didnt say a word. Not even a shrug. Nothing. She wants things to stay as they are, no waves, no turbulence at all. She cant help and she knows it. I dont blame her--she is not responsible for my happiness or moods. And she has to maintain some level of normalcy. She's all I have though. I have no extended family. I used to be close to her parents. I talked to them about how depressed at had been feeling about 2 months ago. Since then, I might as well have the plague. I'd hear from them on the phone or via email 2 or 3 times a week. Since then, nothing. Again, I'm not their responsibility. I have tried to find someone to lean on--havent found that understanding shoulder yet. I also am responsible for 16 people at my work. 16 people who lean on me everyday. Who's problems I have to listen to and help them through. Sometimes, I feel overwhelmed and underequipped---especially lately. So, I'm not 100% selfish. Yes, selfish for sure--but not totally self absorbed. Just wish the world would stop for just a while so I could get off, catch my breath, and then hop back on. I guess a lot of folks feel this way.......
Our comments crossed. I am very glad to see you. I wanted to say that you are not weak, I do feel bad for men because in addition to dealing with the actual depression they have a much harder time, I believe, accepting it. Woman can cry and talk about their feelings and no one bats an eye. Men on the other hand are expected to be strong and stoic in manner and deed. It's unfortunate and it's why I believe that men more often than women become angry and sometimes violent, it seems to be more accepted. It's unfortunate. Creston, I hope you keep using the resources of this site and I hope things get better for you soon.
It sounds like your life is quite stressful, it certainly can't help that you have so much responsibilty....you sound like my husband, he has enormous stress at work (he works on Wall St). I worry about him and he is so tightly wound during the week that I know it must affect his health both physically and mentally. At least he has a weekend hobby that he can take some pleasure in. Do you have any outlets when the working day is done that you can indulge in?