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Depression and an Undiagnosed mental disorder have ruined my life.

So on July 1st, 2018 I had a one night stand with a crossdresser from an online app. Short story: I think I have HIV. This question isn't related to HIV, more so what caused me to do that and various other things. I have always been a lonely person. Last time I had friends was when I was in High School. I am 24 and still going to college not knowing what I want in life. I work at Target and still live with my parents. I have never had a girlfriend and only had sex once in my entire life. I don't know what's wrong with me. I feel like I am trying to slowly kill myself by torturing my mind and my soul. I have thought about killing myself. But I am just waiting for something that will make me want to live. I won't kill myself but I also won't save myself. It feels like self-sabotage. At the moment of typing this, I wait for October 1st, to get an answer of my HIV status after having sex for the first time in my life. My mental health has culminated to that day. Afterwards, I do not know what will happen. All the damage has been done. Anyone care to offer advice?
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Avatar universal
Hi Intrinsic,
You are just 24, and you have a whole life in front of you. I just have a question, "how do you know you have HIV?"
Don't feel bad about your situation, and you are not alone. Everybody has faced this situation once in a lifetime, even I had a feeling of killing myself in last December. Then I realized it wouldn't make anything better and even make it more worst. Killing is not a solution, to fight and overcome the absolute way to defeat depression and loneliness. Meet new people, interact with them, if you feel shy to start using Social media. Make new friends, talk about this situation with your family and close ones. I am sure you will feel better.
Don't lose hope buddy. Stay happy! This is the only mantra to live life.
Avatar universal
I panicked after the first time I had sex too. Then turned out everything was OK. But it took a doctor to reassure me.

I lived with my parents for many, many years; and with depression, which took some years to get under control.

Then took some years to find some people where I fit in. And support groups I found helped a lot.

Finding ways to get connected with people, group activities.

I decided I liked writing letters, so I started writing letters to two prisoners that were near my age and had college degrees like myself. I just wanted a pen pal. Turned out to be a really beneficial relationship. Helps me, and helps them. My counselor watches over me. I tell her what's going on so I don't get taken advantage of. Some prisoners just want money. The ones I write to don't. They just want connection. (Theere's even more behind that story. I have a few relatives in prison for minor things, so I'm familiar with it.)

It's work staying connected. Writing. Going to support groups. Going to activities. Exercising. Eating healthy. Still doesn't always work. Having a few close people I can turn to when I go down. They help me ride it out.

Mindfulness Meditation practice. Or Yoga, Tai-Chi, Qi-Gong, mindful motion exercises, mind focus training exercises I find can help. Actually yes, to find a girl, I'd start with Mindfulness Meditation.

Oh a book. I'm not plugging books but one I'm currently reading really good (in my opinion).  The Man's Guide to Women: Scientifically Proven Secrets from the Love Lab About What Women Really Want
John Gottman, Julie Schwartz Gottman, Doug Abrams, Rachel Carlton Abrams. ~Best Wishes!

Avatar universal
You can't meet women if you don't talk to them, hang out around them, most of us meet the kind of people we might actually like through other people we know.  It's harder if you keep yourself isolated.  Which is easy to say, I know.  There are some good suggestions above, but I think it's time for you to see a psychologist for therapy.  I'm assuming you're still on your parents' insurance.  Don't worry about being a slow developer sexually -- it's not where or when you start that matters, it's where you end up.  Some start very early and still stink at relationships, so again, don't let others define you.  There are a lot of people who just aren't that interested until they're a bit older than most.  No problem with that.  Your problem is that you're not happy.  You're problem is that you're moping around alone fixated on negative thoughts.  That's something you can work on in therapy.  Good luck.
External User
I'm 36 and still at home with my parents. Don't let what society expects of you make you feel as if you are someone less. Trust me, as I get older I realize people are more of a mess than they will ever let on. I know that it is easier said than done. I suffer from Bipolar Type II. I participated in a lot of reckless activities. Getting help, or finding someone that you can talk to without feeling judged may help you. Try to find activities that are healthy and will help you get out of your mind for a bit. We are our own worst enemies. Also, understand that the results do not define you. Your life may or may not be different in regards to your health status, but you can still find love, have a family, and live life to the fullest.
134578 tn?1614729226
I agree with the posters above. Also suggest, take a thing you like to do for fun and try volunteering using that skill. (For example, if you like pets, maybe volunteer at a pet charity. My roommate did that in college, and they were even lined up by a guy who used to be a sergeant and taught step by step how to wash a puppy. "Grasp puppih wyth raght hand! Pour shampoo ..." It was so funny, nobody could stay depressed in those circumstances.) If pets is not your thing, there are lots of charities that need volunteers. Sometimes for guys with building skills, I suggest Habitat for Humanity.

Point is, you don't have to wait for your whole life to be happy to get out and do things. And they don't have to be big things. You can take one thing that makes you smile, and go out and do things associated with that. Then build on it. Some research even says that deliberately trying to think one positive thought about the day, tiny as that seems, genuinely improves depression. Then from these small steps, you can build. Follow what makes you happy and keep involved. Wanting your whole life to improve or else you won't even try, is a way to stay stuck. Taking one little step now and then another one tomorrow, is the way to not be stuck.
You can take a duo now since you are so worried because it will be worth it even if you have to pay.  Are you sure it was just an a antibody test and not a duo test that you did already. Both require blood prick. You said "I did the antibody test where they poke your finger for blood."
Besides as I said before, "Likely she is neg, if she uses a condom properly every time."
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