Hi everyone. I'm new here and pretty desperate for answers, since no amount of research has helped and every doctor I've seen think I have adjustment disorder or postpartum depression...they won't actually take the time to listen to my progression of symptoms, so I decided to turn to a medical forum in the hopes someone out there can provide insight.
I went on Abilify in December 2011, by itself--I was not taking anything else at the time, not even birth control. My dosage was increased gradually to 5 mg, split and taken twice a day, for trichotillomania (an impulse disorder in which I pull out my hair). It seemed to work pretty well at first; I was able to control my urges to pull really well.
In January 2012, after 5-6 weeks on the Abilify, I stopped cold-turkey fearing I was pregnant (which I wasn't). I now realize this was EXTREMELY STUPID to do, but at the time, no one had warned me not to do this. The doctor told me nothing about the drug and I was so desperate for help after 15+ years of pulling my hair out, that I didn't question her prescription in the slightest.
Anyway...a couple days after quitting, I woke up one morning with extreme anxiety and depression. All I could do was cry--I only got relief when I slept, and the feelings were immediately there upon waking. This went on for 4 or 5 days; around day 3 my mom suggested I take the Abilify again, so I did. I can't remember if I took 2.5 mg or a full 5, but either way, it made everything way worse. On top of the anxiety and depression, I felt completely disconnected from myself--like everything around me was just a dream, even just watching television. It felt surreal and it terrified me--I thought I was going crazy.
Then, just as suddenly as this entire mess had started, it was over on day 5 when I went to work. I was completely normal again, happy and at ease. I stopped the Abilify again, convinced it was to blame.
This days-long anxiety attack (or whatever it was) happened again a month later, and then again a month after that. Then, the next month, I found out I was pregnant.
During the pregnancy I was moody and anxious, but could trace it to a source--i.e. being worried about how much a baby would change things, how young I was (22), money, etc. And I didn't have a single anxiety attack during those 9 months, though at times my anxiety and depression were pretty high, though it was comforting to know they had a source that time.
Immediately after my daughter was born, I became deeply depressed and anxious; I felt no connection to her for the first month of her life. This, I believe, was postpartum depression, and it seemed to lift once I started birth control 3 months later.
However--since then, every month (random and unrelated to my cycle) I get anywhere from 3 to 14 days of depression and anxiety. The rest of the month, I'm totally normal and myself.
My PCP thinks it's adjustment disorder because right after the first "incident," I graduated college; left a job I loved with coworkers I really cared about, as well as my roommate of 4 years; moved back home; had two of my uncles die within weeks of each other, very suddenly; found out my little brother was doing meth; and got engaged to my boyfriend. I do realize that is a LOT of life changes and stress to undergo at once, and if it hadn't been for the Abilify in the mix, I'm sure I would have chalked it up to adjustment disorder as well.
The thing is, though, the episodes are completely unprovoked, and I'm never depressed or anxious ABOUT anything. It feels like, each time it happens, something in my brain changes. Also, the fact the first incident occurred for no reason before any changes had even occurred--at the time I only knew I was going to be graduating and moving home, and I was SO EXCITED about those things. And it can't be postpartum depression because again, it started way before I got pregnant. Plus, I gave birth 10 months ago and the constant depression began dissipating after a month--what I'm feeling now is just as intense every month, with periods of complete normality in between.
I did have depression in the past, at age 15. This feels completely different in its intensity, and the fact its intermittent--not only in isolated days per month, but in hours within those days (i.e. I can still function and may randomly feel normal/happy during my really anxious days). Luckily, I've yet to have that disconnected-from-reality feeling again, so I'm pretty sure that was caused by the Abilify I took during the first attack.
Additionally, I've been having episodes of tachycardia and bradycardia ever since stopping Abilify. I had tachycardia already, but it almost NEVER affected me--one or two episodes a year, tops, and always preceded by heavy caffeine or lack of sleep. Now I get alternating bouts of the two weekly, for no reason whatsoever.
I've read that Abilify use AND withdrawal can cause anxiety, tachy- and bradycardia, excessive crying, etc. But I've yet to read anything suggesting that suddenly withdrawal could cause these symptoms permanently, and now--21 months after stopping Abilify--I'm still getting these things, with tests for anemia and hypothyroidism and whatnot all coming back normal.
I know that was long, I'm sorry...I just wanted to be thorough. **Please** help if you can...I'm extremely worried I did permanent damage to my brain and heart by stopping the drug so abruptly, and I have no idea how to be myself again. I don't want my daughter to have a weeping, miserable mess of a mother every week or two per month the rest of her life.
Thank you for taking the time to help, I really appreciate it. I just feel so hopeless...I wish so badly I could go back in time and stop myself from taking Abilify in the first place.