Dire need for advice...

[wootace]

I've been depressed since I was 12 or 13 and I had never talked about it. I felt extremely empty and I didn't see the point in doing anything. I started hurting myself when I was 13 and took nail clippers to my arm and would rub in the wound with my finger or would spray in body spray / hairspray to make it sting longer. And then when I had turned 14, I started cutting myself with scissors and a butterfly knife. I had deluded myself into thinking that I was doing it because I needed the pain to feel... Like I would rather feel the physical pain than the suffocating numbness I had inside of me. And when I was 15, I had scared myself because I had 'blacked' out a bit and carved something pretty bad in my left arm with scissors (I couldn't remember doing it until a few weeks later)... And I had stopped cutting for awhile after that because I scared myself so badly and it was like an eye-opener.

After that incident, I started writing darker poems than normal and then I would reread and realize that they were more about me wanting to die than the pain I felt. But I was still really proud of myself for not cutting. But then I started to feel this heavy weight inside of me again and the numbness started to take over again and I started to hate myself again. A.G.A.I.N. I would look in the mirror and just hate myself. But I had somehow managed to pull through and I wasn't so bad again. I still hadn't cut and I had somehow managed to pull myself out of the hole I dug. And thoughts about death had, for awhile, left me... and my poems... I was able to actually write about being happy and accepting me for me and appreciating life... Fast forward to now...

I'm 19, going to be 20 in a couple of months... And I somehow slipped and fell back into that hole... and it seems a hell of a lot deeper than I remember and I don't know how to pull myself out again. I've got a very thin thread that I'm hanging onto but I don't know if its going to be enough. I'm stressed out, hate myself, I resent my closest family... I have tears in my eyes constantly, but they rarely fall... I've been fighting SO. DAMN. HARD. with myself on not grabbing the scissors and cutting myself. I still haven't! But for some reason, I'm not happy about it anymore. And I'm scared ******** now because I started to abuse sleeping meds (nothing too serious.. more like allergy benadryl, AdvilPM... and mixing it with asprin...) and sometimes I clutch to the bottle where all of them are mixed together really hard fighting with myself on swallowing all of them....

I haven't talked to anyone about how bad things are when I say I'm 'unhappy'... But I was hoping someone else out there has been through something similar and can tell me how I can pull myself out of this. I can still feel the scissors cutting me even though its been two... three years... and my arm is always itching when I'm extremely upset... And I need to know what I can do... and also if this... need or want to hurt myself will ever go away?

And on a semi-side note... if you ever been through this and know how to get past it... how do you go about explaining this to family and also a boyfriend who has issues about cutters because of a previous relationship where his ex girlfriend actually committed suicide...? XD (that last part, alone, makes me say FML)

[wootace]

Thank you =) I'll try it out =)

[TheLightSeeker]

Hey wootace

I understand that in your situation it is difficult to "be" anything at all.
Your suffering dominates body, mind and spirit.
One thing that you know by now is not to believe, everything you think.
There's a kind and loving  spirit within you. It's there, I know!

I'll offer you a few suggestions that won't cost you a penny.
Search: "Deva Premal".
Find her recent album-Mantras for Precarious Times-
Choose the free audio clip to play the first mantra -Om Gom Gunna Patayei Namaha-
After listening to it, continue with chanting along.
Repeat enough till you have listened to and chanted it 108 times -that's consecutive in one setting  and the free sample plays it perhaps 15-16 times,so it's not so long-  
Do this daily for a minimum for 21 consecutive days and optimum 40 days.
This mantra is to remove obstacles in your life. If for any reason you cannot do it one day
you must start all over from the beginning.
Eventually, once completed., something  shifts in your life(close to miraculous  and inexplicable to our intellect),

Each time you post, I will try to respond back to you with a suggestion.
So please post again soon.

Blessings,
Nikodicreta
    

[wootace]

Wow, thank you both =)

To Nikodicreta - While I greatly appreciate the help, I'm not a spiritualist. As for the medicines, they are too pricey for me and if I ask my mom to buy them, I'd have to explain these things to her... She's got enough stress on her right now. And I don't have a health care provider.

To MarnieJan712 - Same as above... Greatly appreciated, but I can't do any of that. And its not just that I don't want to have to tell my mom, but money is super tight around here. I wish you the best, though! And yeah, the scars do lighten up. Just ***** knowing that they are still there and looking at them just makes the urge a bit stronger (as well as the tingling sensation that starts to itch).

Once again, thank you both. I had come to similar conclusions of getting help... but I was hoping there would be some other way... somehow? Thinking about it, guess there really isn't much room for other options... XD

[MarnieJan712]

Wow, I can really relate to your story.  I didn't start cutting until I was 20, but I did it for 10 years.  I ave now gone 7 months not doing it, they lighten a little, but the urges are still there.  I have abused sleeping pills too.  I have been feeling more suicidal lately, but I work with a therapist.  I can vent and I've gotten to trust her a lot.  I can tell her just about anything that's on my mind.  A therapist might be ablr to help you explain your issues with your family and bf.  I hope the best for you.  THings can get better.  Please get help, there's nothing wrong with it.

[TheLightSeeker]

Hey wootace.
Welcome to the forum.
It is tough to live like this, so I'll give you a couple suggestions to help you.
I'm glad you decided to communicate this here in this forum.
Please checkout "Amoryn" which is a natural supplement formula
for depression and anxiety. Synergistically with "Seredyn" (another supplement formula)
it provides a better option than any prescribed drugs. See the studies.
For under $100  you can try this therapy for 2 months -60 day money back.
No side effects and good results.
I have no affiliation with the supplier of this product - I do holistic psychotherapy in Canada.

The other suggestion is, to seek a good holistic  energy psychotherapist in your area.
This type of therapy is very efficient and again with good results. just do a search.

Once you feel a bit better, then you may  consider to open up to your boyfriend or
someone else close to you. Give it a little time.

You can do this. Your Spirit is the overarching part of your Being, and  when you are Spirit-driven, it will help you climb over the walls that are surrounding you.
You've made the first step by reading this post.

Here's something to hopefully inspire you a little ( specially with the 1st piece -Courage):
1. search: Justin Hines +Courage     ( The video didn't open from the link I tried to give you)
2.  http://www.youtube.com/user/JustinHinesOrange
I've seen "Justin Hines" in concert a couple weeks ago.
He has a severe joint disorder from birth, however this did not stop him pursue
his passion for music. He writes his own music and lyrics and sings so well!

Please do your own research, or check with your health care professional,
before making any decisions regarding your health.

Post again to ask any questions you may have or to give update.  

Blessings
Nikodicreta