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Avatar universal

Do others have this confusion?

     This is going to be very difficult for me to explain as i do not fully understand it myself. I have been sad for about 5 years now and i am 19. Mostly this sadness was off and on until recently. A few months ago the sadness has just really taken ahold. I am almost constantly filled with emptiness and i feel dead through most of my days. I often awake and feel horrible the second i become concious. I become so filled with anger very easily even at mild inconviences even when i am aware it is unreasonable to be so mad. I'd explain how i feel as absolutely unsure and confused about everything. Not so literal but deep inside me i am just completely confused about everything.
      I feel very different from other people. I am not sure if i have made a real connection with anybody in a long time. I do have friends but i am not close with them and i feel completely alone. Infact all of my real thoughts have been somewhat trapped in my head the past 5 years. I often feel like i am literally driving myself insane. I can't quite explain it but i just am not sure if my head works the same as others. Another thing is i see people and they seem to be filled with so much more than me. They seem to have so much life, so much personality, they seem to have some understanding i dont have and it makes me feel so unhuman. I believe i have social anxiety or i am actually positive as i stress on talking to anybody i do not already know. I get so overwhelmingly nervous when talking to people and have the most unsettleing feeling in my stomache. I know it is unreasonable and i tell myself i dont care about what people think but its like subconciously i care so much and cannot help the feeling from coming over me. This is even worse when talking to girls as i stress i will look dumb, uninteresting, and when it comes down to it i plain dont know what to say frequently.
     I've come to have a complete hatred for myself. I feel absolutely worthless and like i am literally less than everyone else. I feel so alone and haven't had a girlfriend since 6th grade(so technically never) I really worry i will never meet a girl i could connect with and this kind of makes me feel hopeless. To me finding love sounds like just about the only beautiful and happy thing that could happen to me. I dont much want a great career or alot of money(atleast as of now) i just really wish i had someone who understood me. I just hate myself for were ive gotten myself, all alone and absent of human affection. I am aware its my fault for not being comfortable with myself but its like i cant help myself. I cant reassure myself because i feel so confused about everything.
     It seems some nights i will feel i have a better grasp of my thoughts and start to feel a little more confident in who i am but then other nights it seems i lose all those thoughts and am left with nothing and just am completely unsure about who i am. I don't know if this has played a roll in it but i have taking a liking to psychedelic substances. At first they would give me some understanding and a feeling of calmness. But recently they have only left me more confused and my mind completely scrambled. I do not do this to that much of an extent and actually am stopping due to them giving me more anxiety. Other things is my dad has bipolar disorder which i do not think i have from what ive read but i have no clue because i cant seem to be positive about anything.
      As ridiculous as this is going to sound it almost feels as if i have a block in my head. Like something that is stopping me from furthing my understanding of myself or any of the questions i have. It probably sounds ridiculous and i may be searching for answers i havent fully developed or have the capability of answering. I just wish i could feel comfortable and at ease with myself. I am so scared of being alone forever.
      I think of suicide everyday at almost every inconvienice or disapointment. I day dream of dying most of my days like getting into a car accident while im driving or even illogical scenerios like just being shot in the head but some gunman. I do not think i would actually kill myself(as of now) because i do have a grandma that cares about me and we are pretty much all we have but sadly i still feel completely alone. But the thought of one day killing myself is becoming more realistic every day.
      I would really like to know if anyone understand this or feels this way. I feel i have not written it to completely explain whats wrong with me because i cannot understand or explain it correctly but this is pretty much how i feel. I feel somewhat crazy, detached, unsure, and constantly filled with anxiety. I do not know what to do and i am beggining to feel i will just feel this way and be alone until i kill myself because i honestly dont think i can live a full life feeling how i do now.
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Avatar universal



Helpful - 0
1551327 tn?1514045867
I can understand a lot of what you are going through.  I was always in a state of confusion when I was younger.  I always felt like I was so far behind everyone else and I KNEW that I was different than everyone.  It is likely you know deep down what you want to be and what you want to do but your mind and your perception are keeping you from discovering that.  It is a very difficult thing.  A lot of people discover this effortlessly but for some we have to fight and search for it.  You may find luck in love and that could be your miracle..... I have seen it before but in my case it was much more.  I had to get out of the world of denial that I had lived in for 31 years of my life.  I used to hate everyone, then I loved everyone, now I just love some and tolerate others.
Helpful - 0
80052 tn?1550343332
I read on Facebook today - you may have seen it yourselves:

"Suicide does not end the chances of life getting any worse,
Suicide eliminates the chances of it ever getting better"

This is so true!  Everyone has been in a rut before, including me - for years I dealt with the same problem too,

just remember that if you leave before your time, you will never know what you can become!
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Just so you know, your not alone and your not crazy. I have had these ups and downs your talking about since I was in primary school. I'm now 25 and cannot think of a time where I was actually happy for longer than a couple of days. Even then I still had negative thoughts and feelings. Basically I've never been level. I find it very hard relating to anybody. Almost like I'm an old soul and I just don't fit in. I'm a little different to you though. When I'm around friends I act happy. Make people laugh and usually become the life of the party. In saying that I still don't feel like anybody is on my level. like I'm an outsider. I always worry about things obsessively and they are usually not rational thoughts. I had a really bad crash about 6 weeks ago now. I was so anxious and scared from these irrational thoughts that it felt like I could throw up! I was ready to bang my head against the wall to make the thoughts go away. It was two weeks of this and I literally couldn't function. I realised I cant live like this anymore. I cant have ups n downs and not be ready for them. I've lost jobs, my social life, my mind basically and I'd had enough!! I went to my GP and explained my situation. I was put straight on antidepressants and I must say it did take the edge off after being on them for about 2 weeks. I was also referred to a psychologist and have only had one session with her. My Dr also put me on a quick fix for the anxiety. I haven't fully been diagnosed but its looking like I have a mix of depression, ocd and anxiety that all feed of each other. Its been 4 weeks of medication and I feel like I'm improving which is a great bloody start if you ask me! Do not leave it as late as I did to get help. You don't have to live like this. It might take some meds and therapy but it wont have to be forever. Sometimes people are afraid to ask for help. Don't be! You can get through this!
Helpful - 0

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