Aa
Aa
A
A
A
Close
Avatar universal

Don't know if I can do this much longer.

I woke up as usual today with the same dread I do everyday. I don't even have time to think before the dread and depression start thinking for me. I don't know how much longer I can do this. I rarely leave home., my few friends want more from me than I can give. They don't get depression and anxiety and as I've  mentioned before, I have one friend that totally disrespects me and has little boundaries with his comments. But aside from that, I'm just very depressed and hopeless. Wish I could cry more but that release always feels near the surface but doesn't really let go.  Its been a battle for more years than I want to mention,. I'm tired.
10 Responses
Sort by: Helpful Oldest Newest
4190741 tn?1370177832
Depression cannot be wished away, it cannot be swiped away or magically removed or out waited away.  Depression must be dealt with, on a day to day basis and then on the next day and the next day and the next.  It is the hardest job a person can have, to meld the past with the present and make friends with that new entity.  But it can be done.  

You don't make mention of any therapy or therapy group that you might have been or are involved with.  You don't mention making gratitude and thankfulness for another day as part of your early morning ritual.  There are many steps on the path to healing.  The first ones taken are usually the hardest, but well worth the effort...

Good luck to you

M
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I have a lot to be grateful for and I try to get in touch with it. My depression is diagnose treatment resistant which means resistant to medication I guess. I have been in therapy before. One period lasted more than a decade. When my parents died ten years ago I also checked myself into outpatient hospitalization for six weeks. It was a program where you were there most of the day everyday except weekends. Went through trying many medications and being open about my depression and grief. I think a lot of people there were court ordered but I still decided to be open and get what I could from the program. It was after that that I saw a good psychiatrist that was willing to try almost any treatment. He didn't exactly say he'd given up on me but was the one that said I seemed to be resistant to med treatment. I remained with my therapist through this period, whose method was cognitive therapy. As far as feeling grateful, I dont feel great about the good in my life because I don't think I deserve good things, but also I have depersonalization so much of the time I can see my surroundings are enough to be grateful for but I don't feel them. It's like being in a room but not really feeling that I'm there. I have a wonderful partner that accepts me, but I know this is taking it's toll on his health and well being. It's selfish of me to continue like this while he puts his desire for happiness on hold. I know what you're saying is true in many ways, but I'm 54 years old and I've fought the better part of those years. I know you mean well, but I'm tired, and I don't want  to hurt or hold anyone back from living fully anymore.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Hi M. I was diagnosed 15 years ago and have been battling ever since. FIRST, YOU ARE NOT TREATMENT RESISTANT? I JUST HAD A HUGE MED BREAKTHROUGH AFTER 15 YEARS. KEEP THE FIGHT!!!

To start, what are the most recent Meds you have taken for your depression? Depression can be caused by many things. I say this with all respect: YOU WILL HAVE TO BE YOUR BIGGEST ADVOCATE ON THIS ROAD TO RECOVERY. BUT YOU CAN DO IT!!! THERE IS STILL A LIFE TO BE LIVED.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Thanks for your encouragement. I've been on most any antidepressant you could mention, anti- convulsants, mood stabilizers, etc. I take Klonopin to take the edge off anxiety but it does very little. So sorry to hear you are battling. I wouldn't wish this on anyone.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
What is your diagnosis?
Helpful - 0
4190741 tn?1370177832
There are many theories out about depression and especially resistant depression.  I read a book, and I am just winging it here right now as I am not near my library, but the book says that all depression is resistant because of the emotional pain that we need to go through to come out on the other side of the depression.  The book also states that depression probably comes on in early early childhood, perhaps infancy, and that the psyche protects itself from any pain by its refusal to deal with the depression. Sorry I cannot cite the book right now, but I am very turned on by some of the research being done with depression.  

M
Helpful - 0
1551327 tn?1514045867
When I was in treatment a couple months ago my therapist that I usually see-inpatient- didn't even want to talk to me.  It felt like she had given up on me and it really brought me down.  Since I have been out I have had a lot of good days but I would have to say more bad then good.  I know this is tough and I am only 35 but I have battled bipolar and PTSD all of my life.  Sorry you are going through this bud.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Thanks for being open about that. To me that sounds inappropriate on your therepist' part. We don't need more devalidation of our feelings. I'm sorry you are going through rough spots as well. I can't post it because it's a picture with a quote, but I came across a picture of a beautiful piece of pottery that's been mended. The crack still shows but its even more interesting and valuable for having been broken. I've read several of your posts and your  replies to people. The fact that you fight your battles and still encourage others tells me you will one day be like that pottery....more beautiful for having been broken. Hope that's not too corny, I mean it in a respectful, serious way.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I agree that depression can often have some roots in childhood. I can say that because I remember feeling a lot of heavy emotions I couldn't articulate at a young age. I grew up in a home with wonderful parents who tried to always be giving and do the tight things. On the other hand, it was also always an atmosphere where emotions like sadness, anger or sometimes even happiness were taboo. The inner child stuff can get a little irritating, but there is definitely a link between depression and emotions stifled when we're young and should be learning to express and own our emotions.
Helpful - 0
1551327 tn?1514045867
Thank you.  That is the most thoughtful thing anyone has said to me in a long while.
Helpful - 0
Have an Answer?

You are reading content posted in the Depression Community

Top Mood Disorders Answerers
Avatar universal
Arlington, VA
Learn About Top Answerers
Didn't find the answer you were looking for?
Ask a question
Popular Resources
15 signs that it’s more than just the blues
Discover the common symptoms of and treatment options for depression.
We've got five strategies to foster happiness in your everyday life.
Don’t let the winter chill send your smile into deep hibernation. Try these 10 mood-boosting tips to get your happy back
Herpes sores blister, then burst, scab and heal.
Herpes spreads by oral, vaginal and anal sex.