Aa
How do I get my life on track?
I do not really know where where I should begin. If I had to trace my problem back as far as I could I would have to start in 2nd grade...12 years ago. Before that I do remember being a little shy, but I was pretty popular, I had friends...and that was the last time I have ever had a girl want to hang out with me(not kidding). Then my parents moved half an hour away 2 months into the school year. I did not know anybody, I had lost my two best friends. They were little kids, they just moved on. So I came intop a class with nobody I knew and had 1 real, supportive friend from then till about 6 yearts later. I never trusted him after 5th grade though when he used the death of my dog to sing a funny song about it and get laughs/attention. I never truly forgave him. I didn't have any other people that I would say were more than acquaintances. About this time my parents started noticing nervous ticks as well as symtoms of OCD. I had to start seeing a psychiatrist after the family physician could not help me. Then middle school came around and I became one of the most tortured kids in the school. People would make fun of me, they managed to find out whenever a pet died and make fun of me saying how it was happier to be away from me. I began to get angry, but took it out on my family, isolating them. I torturted my little brother like I was so tortured until he was miserable and felt no self confidence.
Anyway I was made fun of, people talked **** and made things uncomfortable to the point where I quit only sport I had been confident enough to stay in, soccer. People realized that I was germophobic so they would touch be, spit on me, throw deoderant at me. They teased me in the locker room, girls gave me looks of disgust, guys laughed at me. That summer I only left the house to go out to eat with my family. I had never been overweight, but I got there, not horrible, but bad enough. I was sick to my stomache every day before school for the next two years. One of the lowest days that I will never forget was when a girl I did not even know punched me in the stomache when I was not even looking. I treated my family like **** thoughout all of this.
High school started okay and I increased my friends to the number of four, three of which I still talk to today. It turned into the same old **** by the end of sophmore year. People were not as blztent about being mean, for the most part, but I heard plenty of things. Entire school days would pass where I did not say 1 word to another student. I took to hiding in stairwells at lunch to avoid the social situation, which terrified me. I had no self confidence and barely talked to anyone, especially women. I could never talk to any I had any interest in however. I wanted to kill myself bt could not due to my faith. Christianity is the one thing that has stopped my suicide.
Over the next three years I beagan working out and lost the weight I had gained, I was never able to make the gains most people could however because I learned of yet another problem I had in erbs palsy. Nerve damage in my left shoulder had stunted its growth and restricted its movement. I have yet to give up on this issue however I went to my prom though and had what had to be the best night of my life. I asked a girl from another shool who I got set up with though a friend. We danced and hit it off...and I never called her again. I told myself that I wanted someone hotter, that I was going to college and didn't want top be held back. But I really knew that I just didn't want to screw it up, to embarrass myself. I knew that no female could have a genuine interest in me, right? I saw her while getting school things for my sophmore year at college. She smiled, I felt a gaping grin cross my face, she hugged me, and we parted ways...I just wanted to throw myself under a bus for the next week. I will never know if I could have loved her, and probably will never know if I am capable of loving another human being not in my immediate family.
I started my freshmen year at college 5 hours away, in South Carolina, and it it went well...for about a month. Then the same outcast issues set in followed by social paranoia. I never know what to say in a group, especially around attractive girls. I illicit ill feelings in other guys when most of the time I am trying to be friendly. I probably had two people come by the room to visit me all year. Luckilly my roomate was a nice guy and a good friend. He got me to go out and chill with people. I am forever thankful for his patience and kindness.
My second year i roomed with a different friend. He was a nice guy but far less helpful. My former roomate and I still talked and still do, but I do not want to impose my issues upon him and would like to retain him as a good friend. I was still not any good with people and had few friends. I now have a total of 3 friends(trustorthy friends) at home and 5 at school(amazed by that number). This as the year that I actually had my first kiss, I was black out drunk, however. I would like to do better with people when sober but seem to lack both the social skills and confidence. I have a sober kiss, I have yet to actually keep a girl interested for more than 20 minutes, 2 when sober, and this bothers the hell out of me.
My junior year just started anf it is going better than before. I am trying to make friends with the girls down the hall but barely go over there due to a combination of not wanting to seem needy and a paranoia of not screwing things up. I just feel that they do not like me and judge me, yet I know I am just being ridiculous. I just want to make friends, be popular for once in my life. I want a girlfriend that is at least half as attractive as my cousin Eric's. I always feel incompetent, like I am a third wheel. I know that a large part of this is due due low confidence, self-doubt, low self esteem, etc. But I can not seem to fix this. I can not keep these feelings of confidence for more than short bursts of time. Whenever I walk down towards the girls room I lose all sense of self worth and usually turn back. I can not strike up conversation with people I barely know on the floor and I see myself losing the little hope I have left. I am not suicidal, though I did stand by the water wanting to throw myself in the other night...but even in a drunken state my faith is too strong to let me do this. I do not know what to do. i still see a psychyatrist but the one thing I have not gotten any better in is this one that matters most to me. No amount of perscriptions help. I just need to find confidence, and I just need to see the hope I have been working so hard to reach. The goal I have labored, longed, and struggled onward towars my entire life. This is the mountain I need to climb. All other problems have taken a back seat to this. I have wasted my youth for long enough. I want to be happy for more than 1 day...this has never happened, on vacation, at home, etc. The only consistent happiness I feel is around my animals far away at home, and my sports teams when they win. I want my life, I want the life that comes natutrally to so many while I still have a shot. I don't want to feel like my purpose in life is to make others feel better about themselves.
Anyway I was made fun of, people talked **** and made things uncomfortable to the point where I quit only sport I had been confident enough to stay in, soccer. People realized that I was germophobic so they would touch be, spit on me, throw deoderant at me. They teased me in the locker room, girls gave me looks of disgust, guys laughed at me. That summer I only left the house to go out to eat with my family. I had never been overweight, but I got there, not horrible, but bad enough. I was sick to my stomache every day before school for the next two years. One of the lowest days that I will never forget was when a girl I did not even know punched me in the stomache when I was not even looking. I treated my family like **** thoughout all of this.
High school started okay and I increased my friends to the number of four, three of which I still talk to today. It turned into the same old **** by the end of sophmore year. People were not as blztent about being mean, for the most part, but I heard plenty of things. Entire school days would pass where I did not say 1 word to another student. I took to hiding in stairwells at lunch to avoid the social situation, which terrified me. I had no self confidence and barely talked to anyone, especially women. I could never talk to any I had any interest in however. I wanted to kill myself bt could not due to my faith. Christianity is the one thing that has stopped my suicide.
Over the next three years I beagan working out and lost the weight I had gained, I was never able to make the gains most people could however because I learned of yet another problem I had in erbs palsy. Nerve damage in my left shoulder had stunted its growth and restricted its movement. I have yet to give up on this issue however I went to my prom though and had what had to be the best night of my life. I asked a girl from another shool who I got set up with though a friend. We danced and hit it off...and I never called her again. I told myself that I wanted someone hotter, that I was going to college and didn't want top be held back. But I really knew that I just didn't want to screw it up, to embarrass myself. I knew that no female could have a genuine interest in me, right? I saw her while getting school things for my sophmore year at college. She smiled, I felt a gaping grin cross my face, she hugged me, and we parted ways...I just wanted to throw myself under a bus for the next week. I will never know if I could have loved her, and probably will never know if I am capable of loving another human being not in my immediate family.
I started my freshmen year at college 5 hours away, in South Carolina, and it it went well...for about a month. Then the same outcast issues set in followed by social paranoia. I never know what to say in a group, especially around attractive girls. I illicit ill feelings in other guys when most of the time I am trying to be friendly. I probably had two people come by the room to visit me all year. Luckilly my roomate was a nice guy and a good friend. He got me to go out and chill with people. I am forever thankful for his patience and kindness.
My second year i roomed with a different friend. He was a nice guy but far less helpful. My former roomate and I still talked and still do, but I do not want to impose my issues upon him and would like to retain him as a good friend. I was still not any good with people and had few friends. I now have a total of 3 friends(trustorthy friends) at home and 5 at school(amazed by that number). This as the year that I actually had my first kiss, I was black out drunk, however. I would like to do better with people when sober but seem to lack both the social skills and confidence. I have a sober kiss, I have yet to actually keep a girl interested for more than 20 minutes, 2 when sober, and this bothers the hell out of me.
My junior year just started anf it is going better than before. I am trying to make friends with the girls down the hall but barely go over there due to a combination of not wanting to seem needy and a paranoia of not screwing things up. I just feel that they do not like me and judge me, yet I know I am just being ridiculous. I just want to make friends, be popular for once in my life. I want a girlfriend that is at least half as attractive as my cousin Eric's. I always feel incompetent, like I am a third wheel. I know that a large part of this is due due low confidence, self-doubt, low self esteem, etc. But I can not seem to fix this. I can not keep these feelings of confidence for more than short bursts of time. Whenever I walk down towards the girls room I lose all sense of self worth and usually turn back. I can not strike up conversation with people I barely know on the floor and I see myself losing the little hope I have left. I am not suicidal, though I did stand by the water wanting to throw myself in the other night...but even in a drunken state my faith is too strong to let me do this. I do not know what to do. i still see a psychyatrist but the one thing I have not gotten any better in is this one that matters most to me. No amount of perscriptions help. I just need to find confidence, and I just need to see the hope I have been working so hard to reach. The goal I have labored, longed, and struggled onward towars my entire life. This is the mountain I need to climb. All other problems have taken a back seat to this. I have wasted my youth for long enough. I want to be happy for more than 1 day...this has never happened, on vacation, at home, etc. The only consistent happiness I feel is around my animals far away at home, and my sports teams when they win. I want my life, I want the life that comes natutrally to so many while I still have a shot. I don't want to feel like my purpose in life is to make others feel better about themselves.
I think that you are very hard on yourself! I just get that feeling. You do have some friends which is good and I sense that things are improving though you cant see it yet.
I just want to say that everyone has problems and what you see of others these days is their public face and you cannot really say what is going on with them, if they are happy or enjoying life.
I think that you can repair things with your little brother and you need to step up to doing that. He needs you and it will do you good to help him. Please think of practical things that you can do to help him and make him feel good, especially spending time with him playing a game. all kids love this and it will do you both good.
I just want to say that everyone has problems and what you see of others these days is their public face and you cannot really say what is going on with them, if they are happy or enjoying life.
I think that you can repair things with your little brother and you need to step up to doing that. He needs you and it will do you good to help him. Please think of practical things that you can do to help him and make him feel good, especially spending time with him playing a game. all kids love this and it will do you both good.
I just saw this post as I am new to this forum and your update just brought it to the top.
I have the same feelings of deep despair as you, and have battled this depression since the age of 9. I'm 45 now, so my problem started in the 1970s, when nothing was known of childhood depression. My home life was stressful and the shattered self-confidence ruined social skills for school. I had trouble focusing in school, and excelled at few subjects. Anything I was good at (English, art, field hockey, study of animals) were treated as unimportant skills by other people. My parents were determined that my twin sister and I would snap out of it and fit in at public school, end of subject. We certainly weren't worth alternatives that our older siblings didn't require! A good job fit was medical transcription, but that career is being replaced and I quit a good job I had in it due to the drug Topamax putting my brain in overdrive and getting stressed out.
Diagnoses I received as an adult have been post-traumatic stress syndrome, anxiety, major depression, and recently ADD. The only medicine I'm currently on is 5 mg of amitriptyline (split tab). What felt best was back when I was in my 20s and dating; the high from a new relationship. I'm married now to a supportive man, but feel dead inside and just wish I'd never been born. Like you, I believe in God, but am struggling to understand my purpose here.
My current job has me working outside, but at the same time I started having health issues, I became infatuated with a much younger man who I can't have, and I'm basically going through painful withdrawal of getting over the thrill of his personality and energy. Basically I want to BE him. In fact, if I have to be here, I wish I could be somebody else - somebody who wants to be here, with goals and skills and friends. I think all the stress of illness/weight loss, need of GB surgery and a second diagnosis of precancer and the fact I was off all meds left me very vulnerable to this addiction to an exciting person.
I've seen MDs, but my latest psychiatrist left town. I plan to see a new one soon, and I hope to try a new medication called Valdoxan if it gets approved.
I wish I had answers for you, but I feel like I'm treading water in a deep well myself and I wish I could just drown and get it over with.
I have the same feelings of deep despair as you, and have battled this depression since the age of 9. I'm 45 now, so my problem started in the 1970s, when nothing was known of childhood depression. My home life was stressful and the shattered self-confidence ruined social skills for school. I had trouble focusing in school, and excelled at few subjects. Anything I was good at (English, art, field hockey, study of animals) were treated as unimportant skills by other people. My parents were determined that my twin sister and I would snap out of it and fit in at public school, end of subject. We certainly weren't worth alternatives that our older siblings didn't require! A good job fit was medical transcription, but that career is being replaced and I quit a good job I had in it due to the drug Topamax putting my brain in overdrive and getting stressed out.
Diagnoses I received as an adult have been post-traumatic stress syndrome, anxiety, major depression, and recently ADD. The only medicine I'm currently on is 5 mg of amitriptyline (split tab). What felt best was back when I was in my 20s and dating; the high from a new relationship. I'm married now to a supportive man, but feel dead inside and just wish I'd never been born. Like you, I believe in God, but am struggling to understand my purpose here.
My current job has me working outside, but at the same time I started having health issues, I became infatuated with a much younger man who I can't have, and I'm basically going through painful withdrawal of getting over the thrill of his personality and energy. Basically I want to BE him. In fact, if I have to be here, I wish I could be somebody else - somebody who wants to be here, with goals and skills and friends. I think all the stress of illness/weight loss, need of GB surgery and a second diagnosis of precancer and the fact I was off all meds left me very vulnerable to this addiction to an exciting person.
I've seen MDs, but my latest psychiatrist left town. I plan to see a new one soon, and I hope to try a new medication called Valdoxan if it gets approved.
I wish I had answers for you, but I feel like I'm treading water in a deep well myself and I wish I could just drown and get it over with.
Thanks for the advice. I have already been working out for years, it's hard due to the shoulder, but have not really felt the emotional results...not that I'm about to stop or anything
Wow! That was a long post. Took me quite a while to get thru it. (i'm kind of going thru a relaps of my depression and my concentration is a bit shot for now)
Anyway, that's a lot of stuff DM65. Look we all (and I mean everyone) has things in our past that we regret. Some of us may have had issues in school and with friends and family.
Yes, you have obviously had some life events in your past that are effecting who you are today, but I am a firm beleiver that the past doesn't have to = the future.
In Middle and high school I got treased a bit and friends were often cruel sometimes.
I knew I had to find an outlet for my frustration and worthlessness when I was younger.
I decided to start body building. I plunged into it and read endless books about the subject and joined a gym. Turns out I had a natural ability for it and eventually went on to compete at the state level many years later. I also took up boxing. Slow at first, but I worked my way up and became pretty good. My main focus was body building and I simply can not stress to you enough how much body building boosted my self esteem. As my body changed over many years of hard training and diet, I found a new confident part of myself that I never knew existed. For men I truly beleive that body building is probably the best self esteem builder on the planet.
Will it stop or end depression? No it will not. But I get the feeling that in your case it's more self esteem issues rather than severe depression issues.
If weights isn't your thing then find another esteem building thing that you love to do. Something that betters you as a person. It could be building drag cars to race at the strip, or getting into motorcycles. Anything really that makes you an expert on a subject you love and have a passion for. Everyone has at least one thing that they would love to be good at. Find your one thing and dive into it with full focus and determination.
If you suffer from severe Depression and anxiety dissorder will this all help. Probably not with the symptoms of your depression, but finding something we are good at does help with self esteem.
Contrary to popular belief, many people with high self esteem suffer from severe cronic depression and anxiety dissorder. I have suffered since age 23, but my self esteem is very high and always has been because I worked at it. No, it will not cure your depression, but it can fix any self esteem issues you have.
Peace.
Anyway, that's a lot of stuff DM65. Look we all (and I mean everyone) has things in our past that we regret. Some of us may have had issues in school and with friends and family.
Yes, you have obviously had some life events in your past that are effecting who you are today, but I am a firm beleiver that the past doesn't have to = the future.
In Middle and high school I got treased a bit and friends were often cruel sometimes.
I knew I had to find an outlet for my frustration and worthlessness when I was younger.
I decided to start body building. I plunged into it and read endless books about the subject and joined a gym. Turns out I had a natural ability for it and eventually went on to compete at the state level many years later. I also took up boxing. Slow at first, but I worked my way up and became pretty good. My main focus was body building and I simply can not stress to you enough how much body building boosted my self esteem. As my body changed over many years of hard training and diet, I found a new confident part of myself that I never knew existed. For men I truly beleive that body building is probably the best self esteem builder on the planet.
Will it stop or end depression? No it will not. But I get the feeling that in your case it's more self esteem issues rather than severe depression issues.
If weights isn't your thing then find another esteem building thing that you love to do. Something that betters you as a person. It could be building drag cars to race at the strip, or getting into motorcycles. Anything really that makes you an expert on a subject you love and have a passion for. Everyone has at least one thing that they would love to be good at. Find your one thing and dive into it with full focus and determination.
If you suffer from severe Depression and anxiety dissorder will this all help. Probably not with the symptoms of your depression, but finding something we are good at does help with self esteem.
Contrary to popular belief, many people with high self esteem suffer from severe cronic depression and anxiety dissorder. I have suffered since age 23, but my self esteem is very high and always has been because I worked at it. No, it will not cure your depression, but it can fix any self esteem issues you have.
Peace.
Wouldn't let me post all in one so:
The biggest issue I have now is even harder than the above however. My little brother has grown fat, immature, and extremely shy. He never hangs out with friends, he is mean, and he has NO SELF ESTEEM whatsoever. I KNOW that I did this to him but I do not know how to right this wrong. My parents are trying to help him, but I see him traveling the same path as me. I pray every night for him. I go to the church several times a week and pray for him. I cry for him. I am instantly saddened and depressed by the mere sight of a baby or small child...because I remember his innocent face, his unswaying love for me, and the abuse/rage I rained down upon him. I endlessly tortured him when he wanted to do something with me and my friends. I endlessly put him down alone with him or not. I hit him and God even as I am writing this tears are spilling down my face. I ruined the lives of three good people in my selfishness. I destroyed my brothers self esteem and any shot of happiness he had. I try to make up for it now but I gain no ground. Now I am away from home and he is approachingf high school in a year. I pray to God every day to help him, telling him that he can unleash any punishment upon me if he will just spare my brother. I tell God that with just one unquestionable sign I would take my life and spend an eternity in hell if he would just right this one wrong of mine and end my brother's journey along the path that I took, and then I curse God for bringing me into this world to ruin the lives of these kind people. I deserve the pain I suffer through, I know that, but it doesn't make things easy. This is the one issue that makes me hate my life and myself, above ALL others. I would give anything for redemption.
The biggest issue I have now is even harder than the above however. My little brother has grown fat, immature, and extremely shy. He never hangs out with friends, he is mean, and he has NO SELF ESTEEM whatsoever. I KNOW that I did this to him but I do not know how to right this wrong. My parents are trying to help him, but I see him traveling the same path as me. I pray every night for him. I go to the church several times a week and pray for him. I cry for him. I am instantly saddened and depressed by the mere sight of a baby or small child...because I remember his innocent face, his unswaying love for me, and the abuse/rage I rained down upon him. I endlessly tortured him when he wanted to do something with me and my friends. I endlessly put him down alone with him or not. I hit him and God even as I am writing this tears are spilling down my face. I ruined the lives of three good people in my selfishness. I destroyed my brothers self esteem and any shot of happiness he had. I try to make up for it now but I gain no ground. Now I am away from home and he is approachingf high school in a year. I pray to God every day to help him, telling him that he can unleash any punishment upon me if he will just spare my brother. I tell God that with just one unquestionable sign I would take my life and spend an eternity in hell if he would just right this one wrong of mine and end my brother's journey along the path that I took, and then I curse God for bringing me into this world to ruin the lives of these kind people. I deserve the pain I suffer through, I know that, but it doesn't make things easy. This is the one issue that makes me hate my life and myself, above ALL others. I would give anything for redemption.
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