Experimented with a Male friend and Dog AGE 11-14

[Lynxy90]

I'm so depressed and guilty. I really can't cope i feel like a monster and iv'e  let everyone down such as family/friends  to this day! Life don't seem worth it now.  in my early years, life was amazing with my family going on vacation and being brought up well, i went o church and was an alter boy. we had a dog which my father rescued from abusers. The dog  sadly passed away a few years later when i was maybe 8-10. When i was either 11-12 (or younger)  i was talked and went with the idea of practicing sexual acts with  another  male friend and he used to say "Let's pretend i'm the girl that you're getting on in school." which lead onto  touching each other and kissing. This really didn't go on for long and it just stopped.  What happens a  year or so later fulls me  greatly with extreme guilt and depression and confusion.  When i was  13 we got a new dog and at this time i went through stages of humping objects like my bed or pillows i believe i was going through puberty until for some reason i placed my self on top of my dog to then lay on top like "dry-humping" i did this on and off for over 2 years as if i was enjoying it and i felt i could get away with it because it "was amazing" i had no idea what i was setting my life for doing these acts.it all stopped after having traumatic break down  and i promised myself this must stop. My parents use to argue a lot and i witnessed a lot of physical violence for many years through out  all this happening by the way.  I'm now 26, traveled different countries, have had sexual relationships with women (never lasted because of what has happened )  and i have a secure job but  I feel a heavy weight in my head of guilt and depression and worry. Do i deserve to be living this lifestyle? I feel wrong to do so. to also  have friends, be around family, animals in general? i feel so guilty to be around these.  I want to live a normal life and be happy, but i feel i've blown it and i'm concerned for my future of it getting worse in my head.  i have just laid out all my confessions and i need help please!

[Paxiled]

I'm assuming you're not a child anymore, though you don't mention your age.  Guilt is there to teach humans how to stay alive -- it's a survival mechanism to teach us what not to do again.  Guilt can also be imposed on us by outside forces trying to exert power over us by making us feel bad about things that aren't actually bad, but that's a different form of guilt.  In your case, if you were a kid, kids do a lot of odd things growing up.  They make good stories later on, but that's about it.  Once you've learned whatever there is to learn from feeling guilty, holding onto the guilt isn't useful, but it is painful.  Some of us just hold onto things, but it's not a beneficial thing to do.  At some point you internalize any lessons there are to be learned and move on to new mistakes as humans are pretty much mistake machines.  Now, in your case, I'm not sure anything particularly bad was done unless you caused harm to the animal, which it doesn't appear you did.  The rabbit had no idea what you were doing or thinking and just did its thing.  You learned, hopefully, that animals in our care have to be treated as we'd like to be treated, but holding onto that guilt isn't useful.  Shame is a different thing, almost always that's from values imposed on us by outside forces.  You might independently agree or disagree with those forces but letting them harm your life for years is useless.  I know this is easy for me to say and I don't pretend to be able to forget things but life is a lot better if you do learn to do that as much as possible and live in the present, not the past.  If this is something you do a lot and it gets in the way of your life, you might consider talking to someone about it and getting it out of your system, but the important thing is, again, learn from guilt but don't let it destroy the rest of your life.  Move on, especially since this was such a little thing -- I mean, you didn't kill anyone, right?  Live and learn.  Peace.

[Felicisita_1]

Thank you for your reply, it helped. To answer your question I’m no longer a kid, I’m in my 20s and there was no harm done to the animal.
Thank you for your help!

[specialmom]

In all sincerity, I think many people have something 'strange' they did as kids.  Sure, it may not involve a live animal, but still strange.  There was no true harm done here. I'd try to view it like a dream and just let it go. Really.  This was one moment of oddity in your life and doesn't define it. At all.  :>)

[Felicisita_1]

Hi,
I have experienced something similar as a child. My rabbit dry humped everything and I wanted to know how it felt if it would dry hump me so I put it between my legs (full clothes on) to see how it would feel just out of curiosity and this makes me feeel very  ashamed and guilty I don’t know how to deal with this. I appreciate any answer!

[ChannahBracha]

I have rabbits and they are NOT sex objects!!! SHAME ON YOU!!

[Paxiled]

Come on, the poster feel bad enough about it.  Kids do lots of things without fully understanding what it is they're doing.  We get older and we learn, hopefully.  So a person comes on here admitting being plagued by shame and you call for more shame to be brought on the person because you happen to love rabbits.  This forum is for helping people, not make them feel even worse.  Chill.

[specialmom]

Agree with paxiled. Children and adolescents do a lot of stupid and at times creepy things.  They realize it after and that is what this person is doing.  I empathize with people trying to figure out things as life goes on.  

[remar]

Ruby gave you excellent advice, she always does.
Many times parents don't realize what they're doing to their children when they fight. Yes! It can indeed effect a child.
Ruby talked to you about therapy. I agree with her because I think you'll get a lot out of it. You need to move past this guilt and get on with your life. A therapist can help you do this.
Another thing that I believe will help you is to get a place of your own. You've lived with your parents fighting all of your life. It's time to get away from it.  

[YodaGirl06]

That's the truth.  You'll never move on living with your parents and you'll most likely not get to settle down with anyone if you're still living with your parents.  And, your first home doesn't have to be fancy.  My first was a run-down shack apartment my ex-husband and I rented for $150 a month, but I cleaned it vigorously from top to bottom, we painted a nursery, and we made the yard look good.  All we did contributed to making me still miss my apartment today and we're divorced and my son is 13.  We made a house a home and so will you.  I believe that has a lot to do with your problems and I feel like Ruby was dead-on too, psychiatrist or not.  Therapy would help even better than the people helping you on here, which, I see has made a big difference in you already!  :)  Everything is going to be alright.  I just wish you would have reached out much sooner.  I should have too.  And, the stuff you did as a child isn't as uncommon as you felt it was, believe me!  I knew of at least 3 people who did similar things just off the top of my head with the same gender and one person or two who did the humping stuff as well and with animals.  Get out of their house or you'll never have a life.  There's places your Mom can go to to get help with the domestic abuse and there's places where she can live and be around other women who suffered from the very same and they'll also help her get out on her own and much more to give her a life without him and the abuse.

[RubyWitch]

I just reread your post and believe I missed a very important piece of information.

You wrote.........."My parents use to argue a lot and I witnessed a lot of physical violence for many years through out  all this."

I'm not trying to come off like I'm a psychiatrist, because I most certainly am NOT.......but I can't help wondering if your masturbation was not your way of dealing with what was going on in your home. You were a young boy living in a very emotionally unhealthy environment! Parents that argue a lot can be extremely disturbing to young people, but witnessing physical violence is horrifying!
At that age you probably felt helpless to do anything about it. Perhaps you had even been threatened to never say anything............

Now, at the age of 26, you say "I feel a heavy weight in my head of guilt and depression and worry."
I don't think those feelings come from your youthful (and normal) experimentation with sex/masturbation........but more from all the fighting and physical violence you were exposed to.

You've said that you've had sexual relationships with women but they don't last "because of what has happened."  Again, youthful sexual experimentation (including using your dog as a warm "pillow") and masturbation would not cause you to leave these relationships, but maybe not knowing how to have a "normal" relationship would. You grew up with angry and violent role models..........perhaps you are afraid you will repeat that?

I'm going to stop because I could be so far off base about all of this that I'm only making things worse. But maybe, just maybe, it might be something you could think about?
I hope there is a way for you to talk to a good professional therapist about this.
Wherever this weight around your neck came from, you deserve to be free of it and happy.

I am sorry if I've offended you in any way.
I hope someday you find the peace you deserve
RubyWitch

[Lynxy90]

Ruby, you say you're not a psychiatrist but i believe you're  correct and i have been thinking this for years if that steered this actually.  Last year when they were arguing again after so long (i'm still living with them) I lost it and told them "years and years i witnessed you two fight and argue, you have no idea how you have affected me for the rest of my life" i was trying so hard not to say what happened back then. and didn't. I wanted to blame them so much for it.  Can't agree more with the "pillow" part. i'm sure i was doing it as an escape  and got myself locked in a cycle doing it! It's all becoming so clear now. i was subjected to mental/verbal abuse in school bullied as you like. so that may be something too. my parents never told me not say anything. it was very horrible witnessing them argue though.  it was so loud and i remember my mother screaming for my help while my dad strangled my mom on the bed while she was trying to pull his eyes out. this typically went on for years before, during the sexual events and after. to this day i have paranoia and i'm very jumpy too.  With women i have more respect than maybe others because of what i witnessed and i believe no women should feel the hands of a man! I think my sexual activity as a young boy gives me guilt to be with a women because i feel they deserve better. I really need  to stop this mindset! i have found it difficult to get erect too because i get anxiety running 1000mph in the heat of the moment.

[RubyWitch]

What you did as a young boy is normal and natural and nothing to be ashamed of. If more people were honest, like you, they would admit they ALSO experimented sexually with friends of the same sex. I know I did.

Dry humping your dog, while perhaps SLIGHTLY out of the norm, does NOT make you a monster. (I will assume that dry humping WAS the total extent of this experience)

I agree with everyone who has written that what happened was so long ago........something from your childhood that you need to let go of now. No harm was done. As someone else on this thread wrote you need to let the past go and lay that heavy load down.

I don't think you have OCD, I think you're carrying around a lot of unnecessary guilt that is keeping you from living a fulfilling life. If you can't seem to do this on your own, which many of us can't, consider talking with a therapist who uses CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) to help you get past the guilt and other negative feelings you have about yourself. You deserve to be happy and have what you want.........a family, kids, friends AND a couple of goofy mutts.............(rescued of course!)

You just gotta reach out for some help. You've made an excellent start by writing to us.
RubyWitch
      

[Lynxy90]

Ruby, Thank you for your reply. I think I've miss used the term dry humping because clothes were off so not sure if it can still be considered that.  That was ONLY the extent of the experience i never did anything to harm or enter any sexual region. before this happened i would use objects like pillows or my bed to rub on so i think out of curiosity i did what i did and got addicted until i knew it was wrong. This is the best conclusion i personally can come up with. I just need to let the guilt go and be the best i can be. I don't have any desire to do what i did back then and i know it's wrong so that's why i'm so guilty. I agree i really need to let it go.  Thanks for the recommendation I'm certainly looking into seeing a therapist. At this time though  being here opening up and seeking help is helping me so much.  Thank you.

[DebbieLiverpool]

Try to forgive yourself and don't listen to your head when it tells you negative things. The negative stuff occupies our headspace until we can learn to free this space up with relaxing meditation or deep breathing exercises.

[Lynxy90]

Hello Debbie. This is something i'm working on because i'm fed up of beating my self up  and feeling worthless and that  i cant be around friends/family  and animals because of my younger past. i didn't know right/wrong back then. it's only now the guilt really has come to an all time high as i want to be happy and find a partner in the near future and maybe have a family. You think it's wrong for me do so?  could i have OCD?

[Kayannaboo]

We have all done things in our past that we are not proud of, things that when we reflect, we cringe from guilt and pain. I had a friend and he always told me "guilt is like a ton of bricks...all you have to do is put it down instead of allowing it to weigh you down." It is so true. You are older and wiser and you will still make mistakes, even now. As we move from stage to stage, we grow and develop. Do not dwell on things you did in the past. It will make you go mad. Just continue to improve on yourself and be a good person.

Please and Love,

Anna

[Lynxy90]

Thank you so much Anna for your reply. The past is the past and i was young doing crazy things. I promise you each day i thrive to be a better person and give kindness when it's needed because that's what i truly am as a person. that why i am so confused and guilty of my past.  I recently signed myself  up to a animal charity. all i can do is continue to be a good person and forget the past the best i can.

[YodaGirl06]

U can't let your emotions control your life.  Control your emotions.  A good friend of mine said that to me in a message to me one day and ever since, it's blowed my mind how much that has helped and many people don't think about it.

[Lynxy90]

Appreciate the reply. I know the past cannot be undone which bothers me the most because if i knew back then the difference between right/wrong i'd never have done it. I think my problem at this present is i'm thinking into it all very negative and i feel like there is no hope for what i've done and move forward despite how hard i try. i wish the memory can be released because i'm not a bad person.  I really can't understand how people can harm animals especially when they know better (like i do now)  but then i feel like a hypocrite because of my past. I really want to enjoy life to the full without worrying and one day i'd like to  have a family of my own. But my past keeps telling me in my head i don't deserve it and I've blown my chance and if i did meet the love of my life is it wrong to be with them?   is this the case?

[Paxiled]

The past is gone.  Young people do crazy things, older people do crazy things.  The thing to do is move on, and if you feel you need to make up for it, do something good for animals.  You don't need to feel guilty, it's worthless; you need to be positive now because now is still happening.