Extremely desperate and hurting

[Jasmine1006]

I'm desperate.

Ever since high school, I've aimed at looking like I have it altogether. I'm graduating college soon and I have a bunch of academic accomplishments.

There is a darker side. I have a lot of emotional upsets that I've never let myself get over. Instead my self-esteem plummeted and has NEVER returned. I started being perfectionistic, numbing myself to pain as much as I could, withdrawing from people important to me. I left strings of broken friendships and relationships behind. It's become the way I live life.

Something happened today (won't get into it) that just broke the camel's back and I have NO friends to talk about this to. That's because I've made myself into the one people come TO. The people I COULD talk to, make the conversation about THEM every time. I hide my problems from my family and others, don't want to upset them.

I'm also getting ready to get into a career that I CANNOT HANDLE right now, realistically. It may look like I can, but I can't.

Worst part is...I've been in counseling off and on for about 2 years and my counselors don't think I'm crazy. No one seems to think I have serious problems but ME. I've been on medications before, and they were not for me.

I've been living my life on a shaky foundation and no one knows it but me. I don't even realize it til I'm shaking and sobbing alone, after yet another personal frustration rears its head during the day. It's so easy for me to fall right back into the old routine of burying my emotions down once the sun comes up.  

I don't know what to do anymore. I can't go on like this, but I don't know how to stop. I really just don't know. I need more help than ever.

If you don't understand, try to imagine falling down once upon a time, getting back up and brushing yourself off but strangely...not the same person anymore. And you keep walking through life as this strange person. This is what's going on.

Any advice...please.

[Jasmine1006]

I meant to link your name before but didn't know how lol

[Jasmine1006]

I get what you're saying...but I don't see how I've been selfish at all. For the longest time, I've done things to please my family, my friends, my bosses and always put myself last. Many friendships have been one way streets -- with me being the counselor but when I need help...no one's to be found or I feel like I'm burdening them with my problems.

But I am finally not hiding my problems anymore from family...

It just ***** to realize that you've been messed up for a long time and it really seems like you're just not ever going to get better. I mean...2 years of counseling from school...been to other counselors/therapists before...I mean, come on lol. I'm 23, maybe I should just admit to being a messed up person already.

I whine and get depressed about my circumstances that I helped to create due to my low self-esteem, basically. So...why is that simpler to talk about than to fix?

[Jasmine1006]

It's all through my school, and I've been through group therapy and private counseling.

I have a lot of poor coping mechanisms. Luckily, I stopped associating with those friends who really stressed me out.

I work through letting go of the bad coping mechanisms but it's very tough. I don't know much more fighting on my own I can take before I just stop trying. I've gotten used to certain ways of thinking and they're hard to get rid of. BUT I have been reaching out to my family and letting them in on what I go through and that's a positive step for me.

I'm just NOW starting to see the value that I bring to relationships and the world, but I'm still in that phase where I question it.

For the second time in my life, I've pushed myself away from someone I cared about and now I'm seeing him with someone else. I really tried to get out of that this time around, too. So seeing that feels like a slap in the face even though I understand why it's happening. It stings.

I've been having these problems for years, so to be realistic, I'm starting to wonder if I'm just headed for...doom.

And when you have years of just..this stuff...piled up, it's like...it's hard to imagine life feeling alright again. I don't mean to be pessimistic, but this is how I'm seeing reality.

[torrybella]

Have no fear, you are not strange, its the world around you thats strange, we as a people are not of this world, and in your case as well as mine, well we are aware of that, and it leaves us not only feeling, but knowing we are out of place, we are a rare number of people in this position, therefore I say to you embrace your difference, you are ahead of your time! Dont let this world trick you into believing that there's something wrong with you! You are SPECIAL!

[gofio]

When troubled in mind it's not unusual to feel isolated & friendless. You have so many options open to you that you are probably unaware of now. But if you can try to relax & admit that you feel unequal to the job you may get then you are wise to accept it & until your confidence is regained you can try and avoid loading more problems onto yourself. It's hard to admit to being 'selfish', do you think you could be? If you try to help someone else that's having a hard time it will benefit you too. Hiding problems is not good. Face up to whatever troubles you. No shame involved. Anyone can have more to cope with sometimes than they can handle. You're lucy that you look 'normal', make the most of it. Good luck.

[MYoungAtHeart]

Congrats to you on your upcoming college graduation...That itself is a big deal and springboards you out of the student life into the Life of an adult and all that comes with it.

You say that all your friends come to you with their problems and you cannot or do not share your problems with them because it might upset them.....I am wondering if not sharing your life with your friends is your
way  of not facing or working on your problems that are many times are
the same problems that your friends suffer from. Having friends and confidants is like holding up a mirror to your own self and shutting yourself away from people might be a poor defense coping solution that you have adopted for yourself.

You say that you have been going for therapy for 2 years and that no one you are seeing as a counselor thinks anything is wrong.  I am just wondering if you are in group therapy for anxiety and depression or just seeing 1 or 2 counselors who could just be accepting that what you tell them is true or if your have a group of recovering peers who might just notice that you are leaving alot of holes in your stories week after week of attendance in the group.

Alot of times we do try to get our lives on track by ourselves, alone with ourselves, with no outside influences.  But I have found that healing with only a sufferer as a guide, that being yourself, is very hard to do.  With depression and anxiety your self esteem is low and you need some good positive support right now.  

I hope you can come back and post more and that you tell us that
you have made some postitive changes to your life.

Good luck to you

M