Feeling Emotionally detached

[Emotional Detached]

I am new here and am looking for some advice and help with my situation.

For the last year or so my husband and I have been having some difficulties.  I am feeling completely emotionally and physically detached from him now because of all the arguments we have been having.  He is really sexually demanding and if he does not get it, he makes my life a living hell until he does.  We have 2 small children, 5 and 2.  We have been married for 2 1/2 years, but have been together for 10 years.  

He always throws little "jabs" at me (meaning saying something that I find to be rude) and then telling me that he didn't mean it to be rude.  For example:  He will say "why don't you join the water aerobics, you would feel better if you lost weight", or "why are you fixing your hair, are you looking to replace me" or little things like that.  I am getting sick of hearing it.  

Everytime he goes to hug me I pull away.  I just feel nothing towards him right now.  This has been going on for the last 4 months or so that I have had no intimate feelings towards him.  I am not sure what to do.  He tells me that I have to fix this or else he wants out of this marriage.  He says that it is all my fault and has nothing to do with him.  

What should I do?  I hope this makes sense.

[Emotional Detached]

I read a bunch of helpful things on drphil.com.  I think it might be helpful.  I will give it a try.  I am not sure if I found exactly what you were talking about, but what I did find seems to be helpful.  I printed it out and am going to get my husband to have a read as well.  

[Emotional Detached]

I looked on the drphil.com and I cannot seem to find what you are talking about.  I think it would be a good idea for me to look it up.  Do you know what the name of the show was or what month it was in?  Thanks.  

[SDteacher]

I think if you want to work it out you may want to try using some friendly rules/ boundries as I had mentioned earlier, but if you don't love him and you are staying in it for financial reasons or anything else...it's time to make a plan!  Your husband seems rediculously immature.  Really.  Have you ever said, Yeah... I am horny too, but you don't make me feel like a woman!  You are disrespectful and rude and are constantly hurting my feelings.  How does that make me want to be with you romantically?  DON"T RAISE YOUR VOICE/ TONE when you speak to him.  Dr. Phil had a guest on that was in your situation....  He told them to discuss using rules "Rules to fighting". (Check his website)   Maybe if you decide you want to work it out, then tell him you'll be with him if he does the following....  agree to the rules.  If he can't then you will gladly leave.  That's how I would handle it.  He just seems super immature and difficult.  First figure out what you want and then you will have more to bring to the bargaining table.  Next time he says something to upset you, ignore him.  Walk away and don't give him the time of day.  He is still 24 which converts to a 19 year old mentality for guys, sorry to say.  They are about 5 years behind emotionally compared to where a woman is.  Hope that helps and remember you have to :"teach him still" how to behave like a husband and a man by modeling what you need.  If you need him to stop yelling, don't yell at him.  If he cuts you off... don't raise your voice.  Listen, bite your tongue... when he is done, say Can I speak now?  Try not to sound condescending.  Really... I have been through this situation.  I am 35 and my husband is 5 years younger (so really 10 years younger)......he is finally a grown up when he argues with me.  Arguing is normal but choose your battles.  If you pick on everything, you'll feel worse later.  TRUST ME!!!!  Tell him you don't want to yell and fight anymore....if he wants a real realtionship with you he should listen to your ideas.  Keep us posted.

[Emotional Detached]

Wow, do I ever appreciate your responses!  You seem to truly care about the wellbeing of me.  I really have to figure out what to do for myself and I think I already know that.  I have been feeling this way for a while now.  I kind of dread him coming home because I know we will fight.  I am going to sit down tonight while he is not home (as he choses not to come home because he doesn't like to fight either), and figure this out for myself.  I want to be happy again and I need to now if being with my husband is going to make me happy again.  I know nobody can tell me what to do, but I do appreciate all the advice I can get.  I like that question "when I give my love to this man, does what he give me in return make me happy?"  I am going to truly think about that.  Right now there is no love exchanged whatsoever.  When we were "happy" though, I feel like I was being used in a way, I guess.  When we made love it felt fake in a way.  I never truly had deep, deep feelings of, "I want you" or anything like that.  I never really thought of my relationship like that.  I started dating my husband when I was 16 and married him when I was 22.  All I really knew was my husband.  We had a baby when I was 18, so I think we just kind of make it work, if that makes sense.  

I have to run.  I will probably post more later

[depressionisnobueno!]

Hmm......Well, I know this: We get really, really confused in life when we don't listen to our heart and go with our initial gut instincts. It causes conflict in our heart and mind. You think one way, but are trying to do another because someone somewhere told you that it was the right thing to do. That clouds our judgment and we become terribly confused and discouraged. And therefore depressed, because we aren't really living life the way we wanted at all. Learn to live in harmony with how you feel about things. If you want to paint your kitchen red and everyone thinks your crazy, so what! Do it. I think the results will surprise you. Practice believing in your own judgment. Follow your heart and see where that leads you. You just may learn that you had the right answers for yourself all along! Oprah says she owes all of her success to following her heart and going with her gut instincts. You are confused because you keep suppressing how you feel. I have to make sure I keep myself in check on that, too. You have got to take a good look inside yourself to find some answers to some important questions. Is he a difficult person to get along with and therefore he extinguishes any romantic feelings you may have had before it begins, or Did you REALLY love him when you married him? It's okay to make mistakes. It's also okay to recognize mistakes and fix them. However that outcome may come about. This is your life, cute girl. You're going to have to really think through why your life is the way it is, right now. It's not easy to think clear-minded when you are in a fog. But meditate and think in your heart what it is that you really want from life right now. Only you can really know in your heart if you still want this marriage. A counselor, pastor, your parents, friends who mean well on this website, can give you their wisdom and advice to help you work this marriage out. But deep down in your heart if it just doesn't feel good to stay married to this man, you'll become very depressed because you are not living in harmony with your heart and what you want out of life. Don't suppress! And it's not fair to him to live like that, anyway. Marriage goes through dull times. But what you are going through appears different than that. I'm not saying to leave him or to say, or that I feel you love him or you don't. You have got to figure out what makes you feel alive and happy, and makes your heart sing. Depression has made me withdraw from everyone in the past. And Depression does cause a lack of libido. But some anti-depressants kill libido, as well. Exercise, exercise, exercise. I swear it cures everything. Junk food will make you depressed, too. Drink lots of lemon water every day to cleans your body. This combo will make a world of difference in how you feel! But choosing whether or not you love your husband is up to you. Love is a choice. Attraction is something entirely different. Think to yourself, "when I give my love to this man, does what he gives me in return make me happy?" You deserve to be happy. Counseling can't MAKE anyone love someone. It is a tool. A guide to teach two people who want to make a relationship work, how to work and communicate together.

[Emotional Detached]

You did not come across too harsh.  I agree with what you say, but I feel that this has been going on for so long that I don't know if I do "love" him that the same way as I did when I married him.  We actually fought about the same thing on our wedding day.  Stupid hey.  This has been going on for a year or maybe just a little more.  

[depressionisnobueno!]

I hope I didn't come across too harsh yesterday. Do you love him still and really want the marriage to work? I just want you to feel comforted that everything you are feeling is normal. Everyone in a marriage feels like roommates when you are not speaking, not communicating well or are fighting,and not being intimate. That's very fixable. Dr. Laura (I don't know if you like her or not, or even know who she is. But she has a radio talk show and has written books on love and marriage.) says that if you want the intimacy to come back into your marriage, make love to your partner anyway, and choose to GET in the mood.  Then you will. Just give your partner the intimacy and love they need. You'll both feel better. It bonds you. Maybe don't try to do so much talking right now since you both are in a cycle of argument right now, but choose to show love and kindness. You have withdrawn because you are hurting. You've gone numb towards him because of all the fighting or negative comments. That's normal. But If you want to fix it, then FIX what he is complaining out. I had a counselor(sp?) once tell me, if you act like everything is okay, then it will be. Action follows thoughts. Surprise him in a great way. Make love to him and make it special. Dwelling on how withdrawn you feel will only create more of that feeling. Think about what you DO want to have happen in your marriage, stay focused on that, and it will! (except the three A's I told you about always need professional help.) I know you are hurting and are depressed over negative things that have happened and are feeling withdrawn because of it. Some people get aggressive, others turn inward. I agree that you both deserve counseling to learn to communicate(don't we all!), but if you really want this marriage to work, then you are going to have to muster all the strength you have to "hug your porcupine". I know you don't necessarily "like" him right now. You can love someone and not like them. You have withdrawn from how he makes you feel. Hello! Duh! I wish your husband understood that! I wish he would come to you and say, hey, I've hurt you. I'm sorry. How can I make this better so you will want to be more intimate with me? But it looks like if you REALLY want to save this marriage, my advice to you is for YOU to make the next move towards healing this relationship. You put forth the effort to show physical intimacy. Men make love to make the relationship better. Women only make love when the relationship is good. (did you know that?) If you love him, you do have it in you to turn this relationship around to where it should and could be. If you want to have love. Give it. If you want to be loved, BE lovable. Your husband needs that advice, not you, but in a nice way, maybe you could tell him that sometime. Your husband still loves you. Or he wouldn't want sex. Fighting means he still cares. I agree with Venora. His negative comments to you about how you look or whatever, come from his own insecurities. If you know in your heart that you still love him, then your love towards him will heal a lot of hurt between you two. He needs to apologize to you and really try to heal you, too. But you reach out first. Show your love.

[Emotional Detached]

Did you mean to type something?

[Emotional Detached]

So, just an update for today.  At lunch, I tried to talk to him about a comment he made yesterday to me that hurt my feelings.  He said after my youngest got into something that he shouldn't have:  "you should look after him a little better".  That hurt because I do look after my kids.  I care about them very, very much.  So, at lunch today I told him that I didn't appreciate that he said that and it hurt my feelings.  You know what his response to that was?........."are you going to cry and whine about everything I say?", "You know how to fix it.....have sex with me".  Talking to him doesn't work anymore.  He does not seem to care about how things he says hurts my feelings.  All he cares about is him getting sex.  That is all.  He told me at lunch that I should look for my own place.  I am hesitant to look for my own place because I know I cannot afford it.  But, I do think that it would be the best thing for my kids.  

[Venora Moonwind]

Just tell him that it takes two so saying it has nothing to do with him is nonsense.When he makes those little comments ,It has to do with his lack of confidense in himself.especially when he talks about you maybe leaving him And the sound of it you would probably find someone who would treat you better than he does,. Hang in there and anytime you want ot talk I will listen.
Love Venora

[Emotional Detached]

I am feeling like we are just roommates now.  We no longer are intimate with each other.  We have not had sex in 4 months or so.  He wants to, but I just do not feel that way towards him right now.  He wants a divorce if I do not start having sex with him asap.  I have totally pulled myself away from him and I do not know how to fix it.  I will try to talk to him, but it always ends up in a fight.  As soon as he walked in the door last night we ended up fighting.  
I really want to get in to counseling for myself at least.  

[depressionisnobueno!]

Hi. First of all, please understand that you are being severely emotionally and verbally abused. I think when we love a man and are struggling to find answers, we tend to first place the blame on ourselves for whatever is going wrong in the relationship. You believe that things are your fault, because you have told yourself that. Your husband sees this, too. That's why he continues to put YOU down, and tells YOU to change. Men will abuse you to whatever level you allow them.  Remember,we train people how to treat us.Of course you are feeling emotionally withdrawn! That is a normal human response to someone who is being hateful, manipulative, verbally abusive, and is not giving you ,or your body, the respect you deserve as a woman, or a human being! He is angry at himself and is using you as an emotional punching bag. I know that when you are in the middle of difficult times in your life, it's hard to understand advice that people give you. After all, how can anyone REALLY know the extent of your situation? But I've been where you are and see the big picture in full, panoramic view. Demanding sex is not love or respect. Rude comments are hurtful and demeaning. That is not love or respect, either. Look inside yourself and search as to WHY you are allowing this abuse to continue. For some reason you feel you deserve it, and you DON'T. No human being deserves abuse in any form. Your husband is holding you emotionally down from being the beautiful and loving woman, wife, and mother that you could be, and want to be. Find your inner strength and stand up for yourself. Believe in yourself. Be strong for your children. You can do it!  Do not enable your husband to use YOU to vent his frustrations a minute longer.  He even wants to use your body to "feel" better. Cutting you down and having sex with you every day is not going to make him feel better. 3 "A's" that ruin a marriage. Abuse, Adultery, Addiction. There are wonderful books out there that help us understand 1) why some women are attracted to men who are abusive, 2)men who are sex addicts or are narcissistic. Face this dilemma head on, and learn from this. You would benefit the most by getting counseling first for yourself anyway, so you can break the cycle of abuse in your life while you are young!

[SDteacher]

Good luck.  Have you asked him straight out why he is so unhappy?  Have you tried to tell him you want to set up some boundries?  I would suggest to agree on these boundries (until your therapy appt.):
1. If one of you are talking (it doesn't matter if it is repetitive, or something you don't agree with) you wait to speak until the other is done.  No reacting!!!

2. If one of you gets frustrated with the other allow them to be in a "time out" and that person will decide when to come back.  That person must come back to talk it out or agree to disagree.

During these heart to heart conversations tell him using language that willnot offend him how you are feeling about the "jabs".  Tell him it is really hurting your feelings and when he says things like that they stick with you and do not just go away.  It is affecting how I feel in this relationship. You always want to validate first.  Men need this more than you think.  It is a testosterone thing & pride.  Tell him you know what he means when he says..... but I'd appreciate it if you could say it like this....  Teach him how to speak to you.  

If you stay calm (even when you want to burst out of control at him..and you will want to!) you will have the upper hand in all of this later on.  You can be the bigger person by becoming the "model" on how to communicate in your relationship.  BUT first you have to get him to agree on the boundries.  Tell him you thought of a way to help each other.  Tell him I know it sounds juvenile but we need to start somewhere.  He may even laugh, but that is okay; it's only a reaction to your change of view.  

This takes a lot of practice by the way.  Took us a YEAR to get it to the point that there is a huge sense of peace.  I almost got a divorce only months after I was married.  Stick to it if you can.
Hope that helps!

[Emotional Detached]

I am 25 and he will be 25 in September.  Thanks for your response.  I have been looking for a counselor but the only one I can find is a 3 month wait at least to get in.  I really do not think he will go to counseling because a while back he mentioned that he would not.  I have not brought it up again, so I will see.  

[SDteacher]

Wow,  have you asked him if he would go to counseling with you?  I would go to a session with the therapist on my own to vent all of thoughts and tell her the story before you sit together.  That is how my husband and I started.  At first he was not open to the idea but once I threatened that I would leave unless he would agree to go with me, he caved.  He and I both learned alot  about how to talk to one another and "be" in a marriage.  We were together for 5 years and now married for a little over 2 yrs.  Things change once you get married; at least it did for us.  Expectations and priorites seem to change without discussing it first.  Your husband seems a bit insensative as well as has a confidence issue of some sort.  Not sure how to put that.  Try to find a therapist whose expertise is in marriage counseling.  Took me a while to find the right one but WORTH it.  Be upfront with them and tell them you want to learn communication techniques that will work at home.  Such as a code to let the other know that they said something hurtful and HOW to rework a conversation so it is not going to make someone offended.  Sometimes it's easier with a mediator (aka therapist) and no ones pride gets in the way instead of just you two trying to figure it out on your own.  Your husband will have to work on some issues as well in order for it to work, most likely.  (How old is he if you don't mind me asking?)