I just joined- I feel like I need to get this off of my chest. I'm too afraid of actually going to talk face-to-face about all of this. And I apologize since this post will be long.
At some point in college, I became depressed and that became worse to the point I spent most of my time hidden in my room. I was no longer religious (my family is) and that made me feel alienated, and it was worse since I kept the truth hidden from my family. I pretended I was okay when I inside I was utterly miserable. To top it all off, I hated myself even more due to the fact that I was dependent on my family, had no idea what to major in and do with my life, and just couldn't establish a relationship with anyone outside of my family. See, I had Social Anxiety Disorder- shoot, I even had to resist panicking when l was walking through the university when it was packed with people!
I started cutting myself to feel better, then turned to alcohol and drugs, all the while keeping it secret from my family. My grades dropped and I would drop out of classes consistently, and this would just add to my misery. And since I had almost no social life, I was alone and had no one to share common ground with. Eventually it became too much for me, and I tried to kill myself one night with drugs. Luckily, I misjudged the effects, and I didn't get to finish the job. I actually blacked out and was found wandering outside by my family- it was like I was full-blown drunk, and the only reason I know about this is because my family told me what happened. I regained consciousness in the ER, with my family around me and crying.
After that, I was sent to the mental clinic for a week and came home. They gave me Zoloft for SAD; the stuff did nothing to help me and after reading the long-term side effects, I'm glad I stopped. With my family's strong urging (okay, more like force) I went to a psychiatrist- it did help with my depression and SAD. Now I can actually walk around in public on my own without that horrible panicky feeling, even able to hold a conversation. Oh and my family happened to find my journal (some reason I had thrown that on the floor), so the truth about me came out...and my family was actually understanding.
Now it's been about two years since. My parents recently decided to divorce and the whole thing was ugly, especially since my dad was cheating, and my mom told me things that I had not even known which shocked and disgusted me. Another thing, I still live with my family- it's not really odd because that is how this family works (I guess because of Korean culture, on my mom's side). However, I'm feeling frustrated because my family is overprotective of me- even I just go out to the grocery store, they worry. It also annoys me because they try to shove their religion down my throat occasionally. And to be honest, I want to be independent...I'm just afraid to though. I still have problems forming a close relationship; I don't trust people (I had some really lousy relationships earlier in my life), and I'm afraid that anyone I get close to will not like me or think I'm weird.
For the past two months, I have felt incredibly numb while occasionally losing my patience and temper. I normally have a calm disposition, but Iately I just feel so restless, irritated, and a tad depressed. Also my head has been hurting every now and then. I'm bored with life, as though each day is just time to kill. I have no focus and drive- I just do things because I have to, and things I used to enjoy are less fun. I'm also having trouble focusing on school work that doesn't interest me, though it hasn't suffered so far- I have a 3.8 GPA.
I'm not suicidal anymore- after seeing the pain I caused my family and knowing how much they love me, I could never do that again, EVER. I actually do regular exercise and eat healthfully, but I just feel so tired with life. I've turned back to alcohol and the occasional non-hard drug; I only do this about once or twice a month, because it gets rid of the boredom and unhappiness.
I just don't know what to do with my life...I hate having each day feel like a chore and wanting to just go back to sleep or feeling numb, like everything is pointless. I wish I could have someone to talk to, to trust and feel comfortable with rather than me feeling like I have to constantly be on guard. I want to have an actual goal for my life, know I can accomplish it, and have a purpose for my life. And also get rid of the anger- I have such a negative view of humanity in general, which only adds to my distrust of people.
Does anyone else feel like this? And how do I deal with this? Oh and thanks for reading.