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Avatar universal

First time awknowledgment of depression - Please Help. Anyone.

I'm 23 years old. I'm originally from the UK, and moved to the US (Minnesota) in June 2009. I'm a graduate with a BA Honors in Journalism, and haven't been able to find any stable career path. THIS IS NOT THE WHOLE PROBLEM. I married my college sweetheart in 2009 when everything seemed bright and happy, full of expectation, excited fear and anxiety, and ultimately, a lease of life I never thought would diminish (I have been extremely focused on a successful career since I was 13).

I love my wife Jess more than I love my own life, and would give anything to make her happy. But since I have moved, I have had a long-lasting sense of despair and depression. I look for employment - not just in my "prospective field" like most failed graduates, but in other areas. I have worked 2 seasonal landscaping jobs - both of which have made me more down in the dumps because it made me feel worthless and pathetic. I managed to get a temporary copy-editing/administrative job which I loved so much, and would give anything to have again - but got laid off in Jan' 12 after 3 amazingly invigorating months. And then it was taken away from me like it was nothing.

I find myself crying when I wake on occasion. Lying in bed, worthless, not knowing what to do in they day but fruitlessly apply to jobs like I was picking candy in a store. Everything I do seems inconsistent, and ultimately useless.

I am happily married like I said, I have life experience, qualifications, and a lifetime of desires and ambitions. But I have more unfortunate issues.

I have had trouble dealing with my move to the states in addition to my career failures (they may not seem like failures as I'm only 23, but I must add I actually have a lot of experience in Journalism, and have more desire since my teens than most will have in their lifetime).

I find myself blaming America itself for my failures. Hating it even. Wanting to destroy it and everything it holds dear - but I know that isn't me - it's not what I truly want. I'm just deflecting my blame to something else. Something that I have had dreams of being a part of, and succeeding, living and dreaming from an early age. I just feel I has let me down, even though in my heart of hearts, it's myself somehow that I have let down. I just can't figure out what it is.

I know I'm still young, I have time etc - but I'm rapidly feeling like I'm running out of time. I'm feeling increasing feelings of extreme anger, aggression, and hatred at everything I see, touch, hear. The pettiest of things in life are becoming common factors for hatred.

As much as it pains me to say it, I've had a re-occurring situation when I'm looking at myself in the mirror, planning what my face will look like in a mugshot when (unclear conjecture) I do something stupid like you know what. I'm getting increasingly scared, but intrigued at the same time.

Please, any words of help will be useful. I mean what I say when I feel like I;m running out of time.

I'm jobless, have little money so can't afford to see a psychiatrist. What should I do? I don't feel like pills are the answer - I've always believed they are a temporary fix, not a cure.
4 Responses
1667237 tn?1464304231
The hardest thing to do is to fight yourself. But, without pills and psychiatrist, that`s exactly what you need to do... You have to change your way of thinking and viewing things...

Firstly, I`m a teen , so I don`t know if this helps when you are older, but I`m dealing with this last 7 years and this is what I did.  When you’re feeling this increasing feeling of extreme emotions, you should take a deep breath, relax, and try to see this whole situation realistically.

So, you don`t have a job. You have 2 options about that:  
1.  be miserable - if you let yourself see yourself as a failure, you`ll feel that way
2.  not be miserable - "so, today is a new day. Will I let some job to ruin it? Who knows what can happen to me tomorrow. I never know when my last day is, so I`ll try to make this day meaningful and enjoy it. I can`t do anything about that job, I did my best to get it, but someone else had more luck this time... Why should I feel bad about that? It`s not my fault."

So, try to manipulate yourself not to be depressive. That works 4 me most of the time. At first doing that was really stupid and hard, but now i do it reflexly... You just have to find some power in yourself, and you can do that... Just try 2 think about it like I said. It may work...
And try to distract yourself from constant thinking about this. That`s exhausting and makes you hopeless. Enjoy doing something you like 2 do, find yourself and explore. Do something you wanted to when you were younger, but haven`t done that because you had tough obligations… Work on some of your qualities. I got impression you were happy when you were doing something to deserve something... maybe some competition would help. Go out to play cards, sport, bowling…  Joking and hanging out with people you find ok can also help you to increase positivity…
And keep trying to find a job, but see it as your opportunity, not burden and don`t let this to be your only preoccupation in life... Enjoy thinking and doing different things. Don`t bothers yourself so much with things you don`t have and enjoy in those you have.
You did a lot of things right. The most important of all is that you have a wife who you love, you are not alone. That doesn`t happen 2 everyone. Luck is a b*tch and you had it in love field. You just have to be patient and it will come in job field too. You also had an opportunity 2 educate yourself and you succeeded with your own effort... That is a lot. Look at the people... They`re lazy and many of them won`t ever earn this much you did. Everything you did you did by yourself... And that`s pretty impressive...
And maybe it doesn`t seem that way now, but better times will eventually come. Situation is hard. This economic crisis is still somewhere here...
I hope that at least some part of this helps… It`s all up to you and you`ve already accomplished so much. Enjoy that. You finally have time 4 yourself... I wish you good luck…

P.S. Just to see the principle. You don`t have to build a table... And google this theme also. That might help...
Avatar universal
from rxliz,
So sorry to hear about your troubles.  I am new to this site.  I really encourage you to know that there are many free options to offer you someone to talk to.  If you live anywhere near a university, you may try calling (esp if they have a medical school).  There are clinics with social workers who could get you connected with a doctor or psychologist.  And please know in this economy, your feelings are not uncommon.  But help is only a call away.  If you should truly feel despondent, do not be afraid to call even 911 if you have thoughts of harming yourself or others. Help is only a call away....solutions are hard to see in the dark, but with light from others, you can get relief.  And you have already taken a 1st step....I wish you all the best
and please let others help you lighten your burdens.  It is amazing what talking to others can do for you.
1649469 tn?1304332932
You have everything to succeed, you've got alot of things that people will envy you for, you have the wife, you have the marriage you have the happiness.
I personally think that the move may have affected, because you have moved out of your comfort zone, you don't feel safe and it maybe causing these emotions.
In my opinion all you have to do is focus on the positives. Find a job that you feel comfortable in and that will give you some form of income and also get your wife to help you.
Hopefully things will start brightening up for you and you will start to see even more positives.
Hope that helped :)
Avatar universal
You need tretment for depression, it sounds like it is becoming so bad that ou are starting to get psychotic thoughts.  I have been there, it will not get better by itself.  Find a good psychiatrist for immediate treatment i would say.

Good luck, you can make a full recovery.
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