I'm 23 years old. I'm originally from the UK, and moved to the US (Minnesota) in June 2009. I'm a graduate with a BA Honors in Journalism, and haven't been able to find any stable career path. THIS IS NOT THE WHOLE PROBLEM. I married my college sweetheart in 2009 when everything seemed bright and happy, full of expectation, excited fear and anxiety, and ultimately, a lease of life I never thought would diminish (I have been extremely focused on a successful career since I was 13).
I love my wife Jess more than I love my own life, and would give anything to make her happy. But since I have moved, I have had a long-lasting sense of despair and depression. I look for employment - not just in my "prospective field" like most failed graduates, but in other areas. I have worked 2 seasonal landscaping jobs - both of which have made me more down in the dumps because it made me feel worthless and pathetic. I managed to get a temporary copy-editing/administrative job which I loved so much, and would give anything to have again - but got laid off in Jan' 12 after 3 amazingly invigorating months. And then it was taken away from me like it was nothing.
I find myself crying when I wake on occasion. Lying in bed, worthless, not knowing what to do in they day but fruitlessly apply to jobs like I was picking candy in a store. Everything I do seems inconsistent, and ultimately useless.
I am happily married like I said, I have life experience, qualifications, and a lifetime of desires and ambitions. But I have more unfortunate issues.
I have had trouble dealing with my move to the states in addition to my career failures (they may not seem like failures as I'm only 23, but I must add I actually have a lot of experience in Journalism, and have more desire since my teens than most will have in their lifetime).
I find myself blaming America itself for my failures. Hating it even. Wanting to destroy it and everything it holds dear - but I know that isn't me - it's not what I truly want. I'm just deflecting my blame to something else. Something that I have had dreams of being a part of, and succeeding, living and dreaming from an early age. I just feel I has let me down, even though in my heart of hearts, it's myself somehow that I have let down. I just can't figure out what it is.
I know I'm still young, I have time etc - but I'm rapidly feeling like I'm running out of time. I'm feeling increasing feelings of extreme anger, aggression, and hatred at everything I see, touch, hear. The pettiest of things in life are becoming common factors for hatred.
As much as it pains me to say it, I've had a re-occurring situation when I'm looking at myself in the mirror, planning what my face will look like in a mugshot when (unclear conjecture) I do something stupid like you know what. I'm getting increasingly scared, but intrigued at the same time.
Please, any words of help will be useful. I mean what I say when I feel like I;m running out of time.
I'm jobless, have little money so can't afford to see a psychiatrist. What should I do? I don't feel like pills are the answer - I've always believed they are a temporary fix, not a cure.