Avatar universal

How I"m feeling....

Hello, I am on this forum to express my thoughts and feelings in regards to my depression.  My husband and I are going through marriage "hell" and I have become very depressed.  I have written the following to express how I feel, I call it "Precious, Isn't It?"  Here goes...

Why?  I ask myself over and over and over, and yet my eyes are still flowing with tears.  
Tears I try so hard to hold .  Tears I try not to show.  Tears that give me no control.

I wonder, and I wonder, what have I done?  Why this pain that just won't leave me, leave my mind, my body, my soul.
I often wonder and ask myself "Am I supposed to be here?", "Am I meant to go on?"  
To go on with all this pain in the very depth of my heart.  In the very depth of my soul.  

I often ask myself if it will ever go away.
I cry and I cry and I cry realizing that I have been beaten to the core of my broken heart, my broken body, my broken mind, my broken soul.
To feel alone, sheltered.  To not be seen.  To not be heard.  To not be felt.
I'm not breathing.  I'm not living.  I'm not here.

When you give all that you have, all that you feel, all that you are, and pain and suffering is all that you've endured.  To be made to feel that your existance is nothing.  Your life is nothing.  Your meaning is nothing, and most of all, your love is nothing, you are nothing.

When will it come?  The end?  Why will it take you?  For we have no control over our heart stopping it's beat.  Beating, beating, beating, beating, until one day your heart cries.  Your mind dies.  Your body dies, your heart dies, your soul dies, you die.  
You die for the pain is cutting you in pieces.  The pain cuts you up like a puzzle.
A broken puzzle, impossible to put back together.  How can you, when you have lost some of those pieces, where other pieces are no longer to be found?  
Your mind is like a puzzle.  Your heart is like a puzzle.  Your soul is like a puzzle.
When you can no longer find and fit those pieces of the puzzle together, you are no longer you.  
You become numb, you become lifeless, you become dead.  Dead.  Dead.  Dead to the very depth of your soul.  

What am I?  When am I?  How am I?  Why am I here?  Does anybody really care?  
Do you see me, hear me, feel me?  Do you touch me, comfort me, care for me?
I ask and wonder, but most of all, I long for answers, true, genuine, sincere, honest answers.
I don't see it.  I don't hear it.  I don't feel it.
Am I undeserving of all that makes my heart beat, my blood flow joyously through my veins?
Am I undeserving of happiness, contentment, true expressions of love, affection, and passion?

I have not seen through my eyes but through my heart, my lonely dying heart.
My heart that always gave in hopes of feeling my existance.  My existance.  
The existance which brings me love, happiness, joy, contentment.
The existance of my being, my compassion, my passion, my undying love, my devotion, my smile, and most of all, my true existance.  My true soul.  My true me.  Precious, precious me.

For we chose our destiny.  Really?  Do we really?  We chose with our never giving up, undying heart.  
The heart which gives us life, to live to the fullest of to our ending days.
The heart which brings much joy and misery.
The heart that keeps us living.
Living to enjoy love and accept who we are, why we are, how we are, and most of all, the heart which gives us true existance, true purpose, true life.

Precious, precious heart.  Isn't it?
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Avatar universal
I think I commented on another post of yours regarding some abuse.  There was a lot of good advice on that thread, and I hope you took some of it to heart.

I want to tell you a few things first.  First off, I'm sorry that youa re going through this.  It is my understanding that people often feel alone with things like this, and depression is certainly understandable.  I too suffer from a depression disorder and know how lonely can feel.

Secondly, know that your not alone going through this.  Numerous women have walked this path that you are on.  A few men have as well.  Right now you're questioning everything, and from my current experience, that too is normal.  What you need to look at is that you are reaching out for help.  By doing that, you've proven that you have some self worth.  You know deep inside that you do have value/worth, and you do deserve better.

Now, I suggest that you look around near you and find a womans group so you can realize by listening to other women that you are indeed not alone.  You'll find so many situations that mirror yours... Some people in the group will have more experience, some will be just like you.  There are numerous outlets for help, and I really suggest you look into all of them.

Reading... reading and journaling can be real big help.  I'm a man and am going through all together a different situation, but journaling allows me to look back at my feelings and see how I addressed them.  You can see your successes, and less successful attempts and learn from both of them.

Be strong.... I have to get on to some chores, but do the things suggested on the other thread and use what you can from this one.  I wihs you peace.
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Avatar universal
Hello again, and thank you once again for your thoughtfulness and advice.
Yes, I am going through a lot at the moment, not only because of my marriage but there are some uncontrollable circumstances to do with my mother's health, and many more reasons.  Let's just say I am watching her life slowly end and there is nothing I can do about it.  Wow, if I continued to tell all of my sorrows, you would not believe I am still alive and still sane, at least partially.  I do regard myself as a strong person and yes, I will prevail no matter what life throws at me.  (Deep down, I am a tough cookie) I've done it many times before.  My life has NEVER been easy.  Always something or someone to make it miserable for me.  I do enjoy writing and I have always said that I will write a book one day.  If anything, just to bring myself to accept the fact of how it's gone for me so far and possibly try to take control of what I can to make things better in the future. My conclusion is that I need to stay true to myself and not allow anything or anyone to change the person that I am.  I will not allow that to happen.  After all, if I lost myself, who and what would I be then?  I love myself and the way I am and I will remain true.  I will take your advice and look into a womans' group.  I have never had a friend and so maybe this way I just might get to know some people and help each other get through this thing called life.  Thank You once again. Your advice is greatly appreciated.
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