How do I disconnect myself from my sexual past?

[anon100123]

I dont know how to deal with my past. Ever since I was around 7 years old, I started being more and more sexual. It started with me and my cousin doing stuff. Sometimes even her older brother would join us.  As I got older, I developed some kind of masturbation addiction. Now, I know that exploring as a child isnt a bad thing. I didn't know better, but it still doesnt lessen the guilt. I aslo remember telling my then best friend sexual stuff. The thing with my cousins stopped with age, but at around 10/11 or maybe even older, I dont really remember the exact age, I would start 'exploring' with my dog. I think thats the one thing that disgusts me the most to this day. During these years I would also chat online with older men. Now at some point it hit me that what I was doing was horribly wrong, and since then, all I've ever felt was guilt and shame. It doesnt help that i lack confidence and Im often anxious.There have been countless nights spent crying and hyperventilating, thinking of what I was like younger. I'm 18 and I still deal with the addiction but I never would do the things I had done again. I feel like a terrible person, everytime I remember the stuff I feel like throwing up, self harming or committing suicide. I just wish I could change everything I did back then. I hate myself so much because of it. I dont know how to move on.

[specialmom]

You know what. Some stuff happens when we're young. It does not define you. Could you see  therapist to help release some of your feelings about this? That would be best.

[anon100123]

I will definitely try therapy once I have more time. Thank you for your answer and thank you for being kind :)

[Beccanine]

Oh honey I’m so sorry for what you’re going through! First thing is that you were a kid and I wonder about what kind of supervision you were given and if perhaps you were left alone too much. But blame placing aside
This is a big issue and needs to be addressed in therapy or some professional setting. You deserve love and especially your own! Please seek help and don’t try to navigate this alone!

[anon100123]

Thank you so much for the kind words. This was the first time I ''publicly'' talked about this issue I'm having, and honestly I thought I would get bashed. When I graduate and have more time, I think I will start therapy.