Avatar universal

How to say I am not her slave/employee, seek professional help or just start by moving asap?

I don't know whether or not I 'suffer from depression', I take no medications, and I shun alcohol and have never visited a councilor on this subject but I would like to know someone else's thoughts on this:

I am nearing 23 years old, have lived in my parents' house that entire time while my siblings have either: moved out successfully in the case of a younger brother, was forced out which was the case of the oldest was sent to live with his father (technically he's my 'half-brother') after trouble with the law, and younger sister who has had frequent falling-outs with my parents before, returned maybe a year ago from a spontaneous move many states away.

Out of the four of us, I have always felt, since elementary school to present, that I must do well in school, must stay well behaved, and needed to be the most successful of the 'kids.'  I never spoke about the harsh teasing either due to looks, actions, or early speech difficulties.  I know that my self-esteem truly is not where it should be, and I have put that and any boyfriend-girlfriend or anything close to sexual relationships out of the picture due to that and an inappropriate interaction during my elementary school years.

I've convinced myself that I am fine with all this, but what is truly seeming to bother me is my current situation.  Something that has been going on since I graduated high school and dropped out of college roughly four years ago.

My mom is a recent breast cancer survivor.  I believe that difficult time with the prescription medications and self-medicating and any where from five or more bottles of beer a night/day has changed her to where I am convinced that our relationship has turned abusive, not only towards me, but also her.

Her mood will swing from polite or happy, to angry or disgusted with just a sentence or thought.  If I don't agree to do as she says, no questions asked or conditions asked for on my part, she will become angry, refer to past disagreements despite talks with my stoic dad in between us for us to both take a step back and actually discuss what she wants, and basically rant until it is done, either hours later with me refusing to talk to her in order to avoid her yelling at me, or me retreating to my room like a scolded teenager.

I can't convince her to attempt to treat me like an adult.  I was the only one paying rent and paying it completely to both her and my father, and still, one slip, and I wasn't doing anything right.  Not even a blink at any accomplishments, graduating with honors, high grades, full college course load while working a part time job.  Instead whenever I put a task off or do not apply for the jobs she wants me to or sign up for the class of the week or jump up and go to any training that she happens to find in the newspaper, I am back on her won't-do-anything-for-me list.  She refuses to leave the past years behind as teenager stages or what not behind us.  

I have a feeling that it will always be this way as long as I am living under their roof, and have accepted it as long as I could and even then, I am still doing as she says, retreating to my room after she scolds me like I am a disobeying child all over again, but I have come to believe that this is not only damaging our relationship as mother/daughter, but also my mental state.

I have to live with her, work in the same building, I fear that I am shutting down as a person since all I want to do is hide away in my room, sleep, stuff my face with sugary foods, drinks, and chocolate.  I avoid old friendships, and even a close friendship that I have had for ten years, longer than any other, and I don't enjoy or want to do the activities that I used to do.

My goal since dropping college was to move out.  And I am still convinced that that is the only thing that will make this situation any better.  Four years, and I am still in this house, barely managed to get a better job, and all I can do is apply for jobs and search for apartments near there, feeling sick to my stomach whenever I complete the first step of sending my resume and qualifying for the job and waiting for an interview or even afterwards, completely convinced that I am at the bottom of the list, and not good enough.

I can't count how many times I've thought of driving off the road and into a tree while driving.  I am convinced that I won't but I don't know if that will ever become a more tempting option in the future.

Every thought along that line is, make sure that I have no chance of making it out of that alive, and it hurts because I want more.  I want to move out and live on my own and travel and be HAPPY.  I can forget a good amount of the time each day until she gets in one of her moods again.

I've been looking at fees for visiting a councilor about this, I've thought that I probably have depression for years, but probably not.  It won't be the first time I am wrong about my health, and it won't be the last.

I just want distance from my parents... and I don't know why I am even bothering to waste your time with this.  That is if this even makes it past whatever screening there is for you to read this, or even if there's a response.  Writing it out doesn't help any more, and I'm just debating if I should spend money on a councilor (at least 110 dollars per visit locally for the cheapest, plus whatever fees they don't advertise) since my money is tight already with fixing my teeth that my parents saw fit to basically leave up to me once I hit high school.

It feels like I've just sat here complaining, and I'm tired of feeling like that for writing what's upsetting me.
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Avatar universal
I just wanted to add that your letter leads me to believe that you are an articulate smart young woman who merely needs a bit more confidence, in herself, to be an incrediably successful, bright, and happy person. Please, try to gather enough money for just one or two therapy visits. That may be all it takes to get the confidence, in yourself, that is so within your reach. Good luck!

With Kindness,
Helpful - 0
460185 tn?1326077772
I agree with April2 but would like to suggest - again - that you tell your mother you are not abandoning her.  Whether she believes it is up to her.  I've seen too many mothers (and fathers) hurt by adult children who dump them.  Just tell her you care about her but need a life of your own.  If she reacts in a negative way, that's up to her.  She will likely change her mind but if she doesn't - it isn't your fault.

Hugs ....

Helpful - 0
203342 tn?1328737207
Your mother sounds like she's depressed. People who are depressed can't see the good or positive in others or in anything, really. She's being very negative because she's so unhappy herself. It's a sad situation.
I do think you should move out but plan this ahead of time. You need to make sure you have a good, dependable job with security and insurance. If you don't have one yet, look for one. Start making plans and goals. See how much it would cost to live on your own. Start checking want ads and see what you could apply for. It's too bad you dropped out of college. That degree could help get a higher paying job. Still, there are jobs out there that pay decent enough for you to live on your own. You may not be able to live in a mansion but you'd still be able to live on your own decently.
What your mother is going through has nothing to do with you. Do you really know and understand that? This is something in her, something she is going through. It has nothing to do with who you are as a person. Don't let her have that much control over your life. You know you're a good person. Believe it. I suggest you read "Boundaries" by Henry Cloud. This might help you with your relationship with your mother. It's true she might respect you more when you move out but that shouldn't be the reason you move out. Do it for you. You will respect you more when you can see that you can make it without relying on others. I wish you the best. Hang in there. Look to the future. You have a lot to offer and a lot to experience in life. There's a whole wonderful world out there! Start making the baby steps and goals that you need to move in the direction towards independence. God bless!
Helpful - 0
460185 tn?1326077772
Does your mother have a good support system?  Does she get help from your father - you mentioned you paid rent for both of them.

It sounds like your mother is afraid you will leave her - not just move out but become estranged.  I have four adult children and my youngest has been estranged from me for six or seven years.  A lot of it was her blaming me for being depressed.  Three of my four "children" have moved out and one is still at home.  Except for my estranged daughter, I am still in contact with my sons.  I would never say "don't move out" but would suggest you try to assure your mother that she can always phone you or see you when it is mutually convenient.  There is almost nothing more painful than to be "dumped" as a parent.  However, you deserve a life of your own.

Your mother went through a lot.  She might still be effected by her meds.  Do you think she would go to a therapist who deals with people like your mother - her sickness?

You've gone through a lot too and you are going to therapy (I think).

I don't know if this is of any help at all.  Really, I think your mother is scared and you are feeling resentful (not a judgement) of having to always be there for her.

Hugs to you ....


Helpful - 0
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