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Avatar universal

Husband Gone cold turkey off meds refuses help

Hi,

I have been with my husband for 20yrs and we have a 6yr old dau.  Husband has suffered with depression on and off for quite a few years but only in the last 2yrs has he agreed to go on meds.  It took 3 different sorts to find the right ones of which I felt we were on the right track and it was working fine.  Except they really did zombie him out where he was just so mellow he didnt really know what was going on around him sometimes but compared to the other drugs at least this one seemed to control is unpredictable rages.

While my hubby has never physically hit me, he can be very agressive and take it out in other ways.  And now our 6yr old daughter who has Autism Spectrum Disorder is also witness to his unpredictable rages and over the top discipline.

Approx 3mths ago he decided to go cold turkey off his tablets because they made him put on weight.  Since then his outbursts of behaviour are escalating to the point where I have threatened to leave and I am worried his form of discipline is crossing the line and it makes me feel very uncomfortable and my daughter is scared of her daddy when he is like that.

When he is not like that he is quite attentive to our daughter, but he refuses to accept her Autism Spectrum Diagnosis either which has only been in the last 6mths.  He refuses to make allowances for her and their is literally a power play of who is going to win the battle.  (My daughter has meltdowns resulting from her ASD).

He has never been one for expressing love, feelings emotions etc and for years I have put up with his verbal abuse, emmotional abuse as I feel he just has no respect for me what so ever.  

But I still have some sort of feelings for him and dont want to abandon him when he is obviously so deeply depressed again.  And If i did leave I am actually worried it would be the last straw.

I know this is long but basically how can we help someone who refuses all help.  He will never see anyone professionally for help.  He will never go back on any tablets.  I managed to get him to a marriage counsellor for the first time and he put on such a good show and lied and basically called me the lier in the session I was devestated.  He really can come across quite well.

Befcause of his depression, his controlling behaviour is worsening and he can at times be quite unrational and just snap at the tiniest of things.  I am not aloud to speak about him when I am on the phone to family or friends.  Leaving lights on or the tv on can send him into a rage.  Things like the ironing basket if its over flowing he lets me know.

My main concern is not so much for myself anymore, its him, and my daughter.  I actually feel my daughter will never get better while she is in this environment and yet she loves her daddy when he is ok.

What to do.
6 Responses
Avatar universal
Depression can take many forms. Some people that suffer depression often release it in anger and rage. In my case it just makes me curl up in a ball and feel completly hopeless.

No question your husband needs help. The difficult thing about depressive and anxiety dissorders is that the suffer has to want to get help. This mood dissorder that your husband is suffering from is a bit unusual, becuase most people with Major Depression tend to withdrawl inward and loath in agonizing pain.

Then again there could be a Bi-polor component to your husbands dissorder that is causing mania induced rage which makes him lash out.

I take my meds because I fear my depression more than I fear death. Perhaps your husband suffers a differnt sort of depression that is not causing him internal pain, but manifesting itself outward.

I wish I could tell you how to get him help, but he has to feel the need for help before he will reach for it.
920121 tn?1243956995
Hi Sonaya,

I suggest that you book an appointment with your GP for yourself (you don't have to tell your husband what it's about).  Tell your GP everything and ask for their advise, don't be afraid of what they might say, if you don't feel comfortable with what they say or advise tell them and maybe you can come to some kind of plan that suits.

Remember you deserve better and your daughter deserves better.  Remember also that physical abuse is not the only abuse out there.

Avatar universal
Thank you both for your comments.

I do feel very much emotional drained and yes their is very much an element of emotional and psychological abuse from him.  EG he called me a fat cow the other day because I was eating chocolate.

He is changing and becoming a very angry man.

His mother suffered from manic/bipolar depression and I do wonder if at times he does  have this.  But he also does internalise alot and retreats and just has a very gloomy  outlook on everything.  He wont get out of bed some days.  

He is quite antisocial and we are all convinced that he has aspergers too.

The bottom line is that he knows I will put our daughter first.  He acknowledges that he can "snap" and fly of the handle and he has promised to try and keep that in check.  But then little petty things that I do make him mad and I just dont know how he can hold it all in without exploding.

He categorically refuses any help from anyone so yes, i cannot help him anymore unless he wants to help himself.

But I am afraid that I just cant put up with his mood swings and irrational behaviour, and put downs and insults, and how he treats me and our daughter, for much longer.

I just dont know where Im going to go.
926572 tn?1244051721
I was also an angry depression girl, so I can relate very much to that.  Now that I am in a good spot, my husband has joked with me many times over the years that if I ever went off of medication he would leave, and he's stuck it out with me through a lot (similar to yourself) but when it comes down to it, the person who comes first in this is your daughter.  Especially if she's having mental issues on her own, she doesn't need to watch the way he acts and see that what he's doing is acceptable.  I would definitely tell him that he has to try to work on his condition or you will have to make choices.  

About holding it in, he can't hold it in, thats part of the process is learning how to communicate with out blowing into a full on rage.  He needs to agree to medication and therapy, its his responsibility to his child and if he loves her he will do that!  That is what has always kept me on my track.

Send a message if you need to!
Avatar universal
I'm probably going to be too direct, you can't fix him and you need to think of your child first. Why are you still there?
Avatar universal
Ive come to realise that the marriage is over, and because I dont have anywhere to go or no money, I am still trying to sort out what my next plan is. But im working on it.
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