I am a horrible person

[j17c27]

I have depression/anxiety. I think this is related to what im about to say...I am such a horrible, manipulative, degrading person.  I have a boyfriend who thinks the world of me. He is always here to help me and is ALWAYS encouraging me. yet i am just AWFUL to him. I yell and scream at him for nothing...i am horribly manipulative in that i threaten to kill myself and cut myself all the time (i have a history of cutting).  I think it may be related to the fact my parents are awful to eachother...they fight constantly over nothing and are very degrading to eachother.  But i see that and HATE IT. Its like a thing in me just snaps and i lash out and say these horrible things.  I tell him my ex boyfriend is better, i tell him i hate him, i tell him he ***** for having a good life, that i will cut myself when he goes out with his friends...and in reality...i dont really care about that. I know in my head im just screaming lies at him, but i cant stop myself.  I am such a horrible person...I think im so evil.  I even made him stop talking to one of his best friends (who he used to be in love with) but they are only friends now. What can i do to change...i absolutely hate who i am...i keep trying to break up with him because i know what i do and i hate hurting him, but im not strong enough and im too selfish and i always take him back when he begs me. What is wrong with me...

[j17c27]

thank you so much for your kind words.the encouragement helps :)

[ibelieveinangels]

Your post makes me feel so sad for you and the person who posted such an unkind comment is not a very sympathetic person.
I'm sure you do not want to be feeling and acting this way, your boyfriend seems like a really nice person and he obviously loves you very much to be putting up with the way you treat him.
Try and tell youself that you are a good person think of all the good quality's that you have and the very best of luck to you x

[j17c27]

therese83-I am an adult. Do you have any experience in life? Obviosuly due to mental disease I cannot always control my actions, which you would know about if you had any experience in life. I can't just "get a grip" when there are chemicals messed up in my brain. Don't respond if you have nothing nice to say because putting down a suicidal person really isn't a good idea.

Anneinside & LoveMe2011...thanks for your input...I have looked into those disorders and am planning on talking to my therapist about it.

[Anneinside]

Some of the behaviors you describe are present in Borderline Personality Disorder. If that is true, you need counseling to become who you want to be.

[therese83]

Em.... Do you have choice, are you an adult?  Get a grip and take responsibility for your actions.

He is worse to put up with this

[LoveMe211]

Maybe you should go talk to someone, or I'm thinking you have bipolar