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459969 tn?1398173854

I am losing myself

I am 31 years old, and I feel like I do not know the person I am anymore. When I look into the mirror all I see is a figure. I am constantly sad, or extremely angry. I have started being violent towards my boyfriend, whom I really do love so very much. I don't know how to control my anger anymore. I have 2 kids also, that I will  yell at at the drop of a dime, and that is just not me. I am normally such a happy person.
I don't know how I have lost myself so much. I know I am wrong for EVER hitting my boyfriend. and at first it was like one night. and I was like oh my gosh I can't believe I did that but now its happening so much almost every time I lose myself in my anger. Its like I almost blackout, and as much as I am telling myself I have to calm down the worst it gets.
I do not deserve to have such a wonderful boyfriend, after always treating him so mean. I hate myself
I don't know what to do anymore.
11 Responses
1551327 tn?1514049467
I read that you have started some medications and I hope that they are enough and they work for you.  Anger is not bad or good-it is just anger.  You realize you have it and it can be used to destroy or to used to your advantage once you gain control over it.  Try not to beat yourself up (I can say this because I am not directly involved).  You are just going to add to it by beating yourself up and sinking further into depression.  Punch a pillow, go for a walk.
I hope you can do this and I have faith that you can.  I have had to battle my anger for a long time but I realized that it usually got focused outward to keep me from focusing it inward.
Good Luck Jen
459969 tn?1398173854
The one medication, I can not take ever again. I took it, and it was like I blacked out. I do not even remembering Monday night.
So now I wait to see if the Wellbutrin helps me.
I have started going for walks when I feel like I am about to have a "fit" but sometimes that is hard fo rme to do.
I guess I just have so much going on in my life, I am letting life get the best of me.  
Thank you for responding back to me.
1551327 tn?1514049467
Good Luck Jen :)  I hope the Wellbutrin helps.
9674222 tn?1405212853
When i tried taking Wellbutrin by itself it was awful.  After a week or so i would become violent and angry and nasty.  I am not sure if this is your problem but sometimes that med can do that.  I did like the med so my dr. And i worked on different things to try to see if it would calm it down.  Finally, I am on 1 Effexor 37.5, and 3 of the Wellbutrin/Generic-XL.,  this has been for quite a few months and might seem like an odd combo., but for my last 20yrs. I have tried a lot of different things that never seemed to stick with, but this;  for me works. Good luck and I thought I would just share.  
459969 tn?1398173854
So far, I do not see a change.
and I know it sounds so stupid but when I feel myself getting angry/violent. In my head I am telling myself to stop and chill out and the more I try to calm myself the worse it gets.

The Doctor told me to give it a month on the medicine and see if that helps me at all.
It does curve my appetite, so I like that. haha.
I just know I can not take Xanax ever again.
480448 tn?1426952138
Hello and welcome, I'm sorry you're having such a rough time!

It's good that you're working closely with your doctor, and yes, unfortunately these kinds of medications take time to start seeing improvements.  I'm actually a little shocked at your doctor's recommendation to try Wellbutrin, as it can be quite stimulating.  My worry would be that it would exacerbate the anger issues you're having.  Keep an eye on that for sure.

Do you have any kind of history of any mental illness, like depression, anxiety?  Anything?  Have you gone through a traumatic event in your life, or experienced any significant changes in your life (good or bad) recently?  When did the anger issues begin?  Have you seen a therapist?  THAT is a must.  A therapist will be vital in helping you work through those feelings, and learn other, safer ways to cope with the anger when it presents itself.

Anger is an interesting emotion, it's never present just by itself, it's always fed by another underlying emotion, things like anxiety, fear, uncertainty, lack of self esteem...those kinds of things.  So, it's very important that you work with a professional to try to find out what's fueling the anger, what the underlying issue really is.   Once you start addressing that, the anger will take care of itself.

This is something you need to make priority one, as your anger has already escalated to physical violence, which (as you already know) is NEVER okay.  Right now, it's just your BF, but if you don't start addressing this, your children may be at risk as well.

I wish you the very best, please keep us updated on how you're doing, ok?  Also, we have a great anger management forum as well.  I would recommend doing some reading and/or posting over there.  You will get great ideas on coping with anger in the moment.
480448 tn?1426952138
Here's the link to our Anger Management community:

http://www.medhelp.org/forums/Anger-Management/show/359


Hang in there, I'm glad you reached out for help and support!
459969 tn?1398173854
I have a history of depression. I have been hospitalized before for this. When the anger hits, these awful thoughts follow behind it.
I have referred over to a therapist, just waiting on my Insurance to okay it.

I feel like I know where my anger is coming from, it is with my fiancé, and I am sure that is why he gets all of my anger taken out on him.

It is hard for me to take time off from work, to schedule an appt with a therapist also, as I do not want my work knowing anything. I work with a very small company and I just do not want them thinking I am unreliable because I need to see a Doctor, or think I am a nut case and get fired. I am sure I wouldn't get fired, because I have been here for so long, but now a days you just never know.
480448 tn?1426952138
I can definitely understand your desire to maintain your privacy about your mental health, there's nothing wrong with that, just don't let that hold you back from seeking the help you need.  You need to make this a priority, and start addressing it ASAP with a professional.  You really shouldn't need to take any time off work to see a therapist.  You just need to find one who has hours that will work with your schedule.

You state you think your anger is stemming from your fiancee.  Can you share more about that?  Is there something going on in your relationship with him that's causing you stress, anxiety or uncertainty?

459969 tn?1398173854
We started dating May of last year(2013), valentines day he proposed while we were away in the mountains. In March, we find out that from the previous relationship he was in he has a 4 month old son. I have 2 boys of my own so I thought I would be able to handle this with no problems.
But this woman is not so easy to get a long with. She texts/calls him all times of the night, even when I have heard him tell her if it doesn't pertain to the baby do not call or text me(yes we have had a DNA test done) We voluntarily pay her $400 a month for child support. We get him every other weekend and then normally once or twice during the week for a few hours.
But this is harder on me than I thought. this lady will text him I love you and miss you. and I know he is with me, but if the shoe was on the other foot, he would understand how I feel. He said you have to trust me, and its not that. Its just very hard on me.  
I do treat this baby like he is my own, because he is apart of our family. However its hard for me sometimes not to feel anger towards my fiancé.
459969 tn?1398173854
I have registered to go back to school in hoping if I do something positive for myself it will help me cope and deal with the anger issues.
I have a therapist I need to call, I just work so far away and my boss does not like when I get off early for any reason.
I am taking a half day on 8/7 and am thinking of calling this therapist to see if they have any openings that afternoon.

I have told my fiancé that I am thinking I need to go to a therapist and he says its all in my head. He just thinks I need to quit worrying and all my problems will go away. but I have dealt with depression, I know how bad I can get, and I do not want to get that way ever again.
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