I can't remember feeling calm...

[MakeThatSacrifice]

For the last year I've been dealing with really bad irritability, I constantly have to move some part of my body, especially if I have to wait standing up...I pace back and forth non stop while waiting for the elevator or in line at the grocery store! I have always been an introvert, but for the last year I have been isolating, and hate it when people expect me to hang out or even phone, I spend hours working on projects and become oblivious to everything else, including the need to eat, or clean my house. I go through long periods of time where I find it difficult to fall and stay asleep, often times I wake up only 20 minutes to a half hour after falling asleep. I also will wake up with a song playing in my head, whats wierd is that the song seems relevant to the dream I was having, and I will actually be tapping my foot in rythm? with the song! I feel like when I sleep I'm not enetering full REM, it feels like I'm just waiting to wake  up again! I have an incredible amount of anxiety which causes me to have episodes that last for about a week, in which I have to yawn (I struggle to yawn) in order to get a meaningful breath. I have really intense conflicting emotions in which I feel a "beautiful Sadness", I think about suicide and it fills me with a rush, like adrenaline.
I go through times where I will not watch anything that causes me to be reflective or sad ( almost like avoidance.) I become politically incorrect, my humor is dark and sarcastic, and I will ony do something if it benefits me, I feel completely emotionally shut off from the people I'm supposed to love, and I won't do anything that requires me to think too long or deeply about it. I wind up making all kinds of plans that I wont follow through with, and start changing my lifestyle compltely...I start putting notes on my wall that remind me to "live each day to the fullest." I start dressing differently and adopting a new persona. The thing is each time I go through this, it seems like a positive and healthy thing, until I come to my senses and realize how many immature and strange things I've done!
....Then, I'll go through times where I'll actually seek out things that make me sad, or introspective, I'll spend long hours sitting feeling the totality of humanities anguish and sorrow, here I feel like taking my own life, but in a strange detatched way, Again, I almost feel ecstatic at the thought of dying.
...........Then I'll go through a phase where I feel nothing at all, but in a good way, like i'm just a spectator who cannot form a thought, I just seem to experience things around me without a reaction. In this phase (the one I actually look forward to) I don't even feel anxious, or irritable...all I feel is a "sad peace" almost like acceptance that life is painful, coupled with a realization that it is also a wonderful curiosity!
The reason i mention these "phases" is because they appeared at around the same time as the pacing and irritability. And they don't appear in relation to my current situations. Who I was before all of this, is unrecognizable in who I am now.
I have dealt with depression almost all my life, I used to be passive and have always been extremely mature for my age, and I would never dream of being rude, I also had a very quiet calm nature...Now for the most part, i'm cynical, abraisive, detached, irritable, obnoxious....I don't know what to do! I have no peace within me anymore, I don't even feel like I'm a person...I feel like I'm a series of emotional states, and that who i am, depends on the current state I'm in, rather than based on what personality or identity I've shaped throughout my lifetime!
If you have experienced this or have an idea of what could cause it please let me know!....Did you ever get over it???

[Julie359]

This sounds just awlful and the first thing that comes to mind is are you getting professional help?  It sounds as if you seriously need some kind of therapy with an anti-d, mood stabilzer and an anti-anxiety med.  Your feelings of highs followed by lows could be an indication of Bi-polar disorder.  This causes a disruptive thought process as you are describing. Personally i would go see the doctor and get a referral to see a psychiatrist before your thoughts of elation towards dying become more attractive and you start to actually harm yourself.

Truely hope this gets sorted very soon as it sounds like it has gone far to far and no one should live in this manner.  Good-luck

[lost_myself]

You describe being cynical,abrasive,detached,irriatible and obnoxious, also thought of hurting yourself and feeling the anguish of the world...all things i went through or can relate to. I'm wondering if part of your story is missing, what happened before this started? Did something negative happen? Did you lose a relationship, loved one or such? Do you have anything at all you can relate to the time line of when this all started? I have begun and am far into recovery,so you can get past this. Do you have means to seek counseling? Is there anyone you can confide in or talk to before you see a professional..like a priest ,friend,parent/grandparent? I kinda worked through this without meds or professional help ( don't like meds,didn't have the means for a professional) ..If I can offer anymore or you just want somewhere to dump all the negativity please feel free to contact me ..you can send me a PM if you dont care to air it out on the public forum..take care.