I am a girl, 16 right now, I've been worse than this, but I cant cope with this feeling anymore.
Two years ago, before summer 2012, I realized that I had no real friends, and that they weren't really good. So I decided to join another group (which is large, like 16 girls) of girls who were more like me. I spent that summer alone, like seeing one person a week apart from my family (which is the best!), I cried everyday and no one knew. When sophomore year started, I though I could join that group easily, but i couldnt. I had to "chase" them, and I never felt comfortable. I realized I had really few social skills. One day, at a birthday, I simply broke down with a friend. Those days after it were miserable, I felt physical weight until I told my mom. Shes a psychologist, so she told me what to do (like stand straight, make myself a place in the group), but ok, that made me feel better but since then (november 2012) I feel stuck.
My life isnt going anywhere. I havent found people who REALLY care about me, no one has a crush on me, no one simply cares. I am smart, artistic, thin, nice, always willing to help others, loyal and sometimes funny. The point is that I cant make friends. I talk to people and thats it, and most of the time people just talk to me because they need something from me. This summer wasnt miserable, but Im not happy. In July 2014 ill go on a month-and-a-half trip with my school year, and i feel horrible about it. Its not that i dont wanna go, but i feel that ill be chasing people and end up alone. It is strange that i make a plan on weekends, how will i do?
Ive been depressed with its ups and downs since july 2012, i found that what i have is more like a dysthymia (long, light depression) and until i make real friends i wont find my way out. since im jewish i have to start my friendships in the school and then make friends on other non-jewish schools. i have never taken antidepressants, gone to a therapist once but i didnt like it, i want another but my mom says she has to find someone.
I really hate my life, never to suicidal point, I need a change, i dont know how long will i tolerate feeling this way. I hate them but at the same time have to be with them because I have to belong there, I just dont know how to belong.
If you have felt this way or know what to do, feel free to help me.