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Avatar universal

I don't know what to do.

I am 38 years old.  I have a wife of 14 years, 3 young children.  I recently finished my MBA from an institution with a very good reputation.  My problem, I just feel empty.  I don't have any friends.  I have no hobbies and, actually, no interests.  I can't stand being around my wife and kids any more.  I resent my wife because she does whatever she wants, has friends, has hobbies.  She works for her parents so she has tons of flexibility with her job and she uses it against me.  We live in a city we can't afford.  She let's the kids destroy everything in the house and everything in it.  If I have the audacity to get irritated with the kids (ages 8,5,3) for not cleaning up after themselves, I get accused of not letting them be kids, usually in front of the kids.   This is a constant area of contention.  We don't have much intimacy.  I generally find out what she's thinking by reading her blog.  

We had an argument last night and I seriously wanted to just leave...disappear and not look back.  What I ended up doing was going  and sitting in a Walgreen's parking lot for an hour.   I realized that I had nowhere to go.  

On top of that, I just started a job that I'm pretty sure I'm going to hate.  I am miserable because I left a mediocre job at a company with great benefits that I could coast at for a high profile job that will require a lot of effort and two weeks in I just can't find any passion for the work.

So, I've thought about suicide.  The fact of the matter is I don't think I'll ever do it because I'm too chicken.  I'm afraid of what it would do to my children. What if there is an after-life?  I'd have to watch them grow up with out me.  It seems to me leaving would be better, but I have a fear of being alone.  

This is somewhat ironic, because most people think I'm the happiest guy around.  I've been nicknamed smiley.  I just feel like I've tried to make other people happy my entire life and now there's nothing left and I don't know how to start making things better.    

Sorry for running on and on.   I'm just miserable.  
2 Responses
460185 tn?1326077772
Have you ever considered that maybe you are feeling empty - in part - by having completed your MBA?  I don't know if you went full time or part time but I do know that it's common to feel "down" after graduating.  It doesn't seem like this explains everything but I know it happened to me after I graduated - it was like losing my identity.

Since so much time is spent in the workplace, it doesn't seem unreasonable that if you don't like your job already this might be contributing to your depression and feeling of emptiness.  I've felt suicidal since I was a child and have tried it - it isn't fun.

It sounds like you feel frustrated in almost every aspect of your life.  I really hate to say what's been said so many times before but have you thought about therapy - either for yourself or family therapy?  Coming here can give you support and a certain amount of advice but it isn't a substitute for therapy - whatever kind you think might help.

Hope you find some answers from folks who know more about this than I do - I'm just depressed and anxious and spent too many years in "educational institutions"  = )

Avatar universal
Hi there, I can relate to much of what you have said.  I am the same age, married (11 years) have a child (8 y.o.), and I should have everything going for me (some people think that I do), but I have deep, dark moments of misery when I think "what's the point?"
I agree wth lonewolf07, try therapy as soon as you possibly can, both for yourself as an individual and with your wife for your marriage/family.  You don't mention if you have tried to tell your wife the way you feel - she needs to know, give her the chance to understand and not judge you for it. It may be that you need a third person there to mediate you both through it.
Don't do the suicide thing, I can vouch for what lonewolf07 said - it's not nice, and yes, your children would be devastated if you 'succeeded' at it.  I'm sure you are a good father and love your kids - that's what keeps me going when I am in my darkest moments (when I think that my daughter & husband would be better off without me).
As for the career thing, changes are always stressful.  You are probably finding it difficult to give the new job a go because you already feel so down and negative about life.  I've been through a similar thing.  Had to recently move interstate due to my husband's work, left a good job in a town that had dozens of good opportunities for me. Not so good now but I'm working through it and readjusting my priorities.
I hope that the words of encouragement that you get on MedHelp will be of comfort and help you to find a way ahead.  Don't hesitate to seek professional help either.  Good luck and pull out some photos of your beautiful children and keep them close to you so that you can remind yourself at anytime why the fight is worth it.  Juls.
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