I don't know who I am anymore. help.

[Ariberry12]

I don't really know where to start, but i need help. I'm going crazy and I'm not me. i am 19. i don't have a dad. when i got out of AIT Oct. 27, 2012, my mom shot herself in front of me Oct. 28, 2012. She was my best friend. We were at a halloween party and i hate parties, I've never been that kind of girl, so i had my boyfriend of 3 years pick me up so i wouldn't be a party pooper. we were never in a fight ( never as in my whole life i never got to have a fight with my mom) or anything, she just did it the second i told her he was coming to get me. Well, after that happened, i was trying really hard to stay strong, but then i found porn on my Fiances computer in Jan, 2013, which he promised to me face, looking in my eyes and everything, that he would never look at and if he did that he would tell me. It hurt me super bad. i hate lies. i am so truthful. he told me he wouldn't do it anymore, so i finally forgave him. i found it again in March. and he said he didnt mean it last time, but he meant it this time, so i forgave him again. Well i just found it again and i told him that if i were to find it again that i would not be with him anymore, bc my heart is falling apart. i don't know who i am, what i like to do, or who i can trust. my mom IS my best friend and i cant accept that she is gone. my self esteem is at an all time low and people tell me im sexy and stuff, but if i was, why would he look at porn, especially when he knows im hurting the worst, then lie to me about he? right to my face! i feel like there is no reason to be here anymore. i love him so much and want him to want me as much as i want him, but he barely even notices me. i'm so numb but i hurt so bad. since i found it i have been living an outer body experience. i dont know what to do. i wish i was strong enough to die so i could see my mom again. i miss her so much. i love my fiance, but now im scared to marry him bc i dont trust him at all but i am scared to be without him. i'm scared to be alone. someone, please help me. ive talked to him so much about it. it hurts me so bad. i feel so ugly and so fat and like he doesn't even want me. i'm too young to feel like this.

[aaronwebvizards]

I really feel sorry for your current state, i understand what are going from, since it wasn't easy for you to cope with your Mother's death, whom you always considered your best friend, but at the same time your Boyfriend is also not much loyal to you. I suggest you to take sometime out of your current routined life & go out of station with your friends, whom you can trust. Share your concern & problem with them & also you can also make decision on your own, as what you want from your life betrayal or love. Since as suggested above by you that your Bf doesn't pay any attention to you, if this is so. Then go & search somebody who can be trustworthy & can love you more then anyone else does. This is how you can overcome anxiety & stress in your life & also try to forget the past & live with present condition.

[jemma116]

I am so sorry to hear of your sad loss.

Whatever you do, do not blame yourself that your mother took her own life.
She must have been feeling very rock bottom, and it is sad that she did not get the medical help she so urgently needed to help her through her torment.

You are still in the process of bereavement.  It has not been a year yet since your mum died.  The grieving process can take a very long time to come to terms with your sad loss.  It is not the point to forget about your mum, but to come to terms and accept the fact that your mum was ill and took the decision to end her own life.

At this moment in time, I agree with debsgotcurves that your boyfriend is the least of your problems right now.  It may be that he does not want to upset you about seeing the porn that he is hiding what he is doing.  Perhaps just say to him that you know what he is doing, but for him not to lie about it.  Don't put him in a position that he has to lie about it.  He will probably grow out of it eventually when his mind is occupied with other more important things in his life.  For him that may be his escape from reality.

The important thing is for you to see your doctor to help you get through how you are feeling right now.  You are still in a state of shock and are numb by what has happened with regard to your mum.  It took me 5 years to come to terms about the death of my granny.

If you are not getting any help for your bereavement, I would strongly suggest that you see your doctor for referral to a bereavement counsellor.

Best wishes.

[debsgotcurves]

Hi sweetheart. I think the least of your worries should be your boyfriend looking at porn.  Men, especially young men in the peak of their sexual hormones, like to see naked women. I get you dont like it, but sometimes you have to pick your battles. If he is a great boyfriend in every other way except he likes to look at porn sometimes, then maybe let it be. If he is not supportive of you, and not physically available to you because he has an obsession with porn and he lies and cheats, etc., then kick him to the curb and find a guy who will be supportive. If my guy looks at porn I don't care as long as he is supportive and loving and kind to me, and faithful. I dont consider watching a video or looking at pictures cheating. Men like it.  You are very young, and have been through a terrible tragedy. I hope you get some counseling, as you need to be able to grieve and talk about what happened. If your man is supportive and helpful in this way, maybe right now is not the time to let him go.  There are MANY types of support groups for survivors of familial suicides. Get help and work on yourself and your future.  We cannot control what others do, only what we will do. So do what is best for you.  My sincerest regards to you. I wish you love and healing. We are here for you in this community. ((((((HUGS))))))))

[remar]

Have you been in any kind of therapy since this happened with your mom? If not, I would highly recommend doing so. You went through the most traumatic event possible and you need help right now. I'm so sorry you lost your mom.
As far as your boyfriend. If he keeps lying to you then it might be best to put things on hold with him, or better yet, move on. He may not be cheating on you but he is lying so he can't be trusted.
We're here to listen and help you anyway we can.

[Crybaby2006]

You are a very courages young women.  Your mother made a bad decision in takin her life as she did not consider what she left behind.  She was sick and it's not your fault.  You will see her soon enough as life is precious and you should reward everyday you are on this earth.  You are worthy of true love.  That does not mean your man does not love porn.  Many men get off on just looking.  It's your boyfriends behavior; does not reflect upon you.  Besides, you need to get alittle more selfish and heal from this grief of losing your mom.  It is a process that can take a long time.  Do you have any relatives that you can call for some help?  If there is any time "to call in the calvery", it is now.  Bad boyfriends come and go, it's the good ones that take care of their girlfriends and bring comfort.  Sure, not a good time to move on when your weak but feel how fast you build strength from surprising yourself and make your life better.  Your mother would be so proud of you.  I am.