I dont want to get help

[Houdini_girl]

Hey
I dont know whats wrong with me. Im constantly tired, i have so many plans and things i want to do but i
I only leave the house when i have to go to school, sometimes i manage to get out to go to the gym with friends but only on a good day - and good days have been becoming less and less. I think of going out for walks and to go buy stuff that i sometimes need but i never do. I always say tomorrow i will but i dont. When i make plans with people i usually flake out.
Im always so tired. I sometimes get up and walk around the house aimlessly because i dont belong anywhere and i just end up on the floor kind of crying and desperate or just apathetic.
I dont
I think a lot about suicide, i think i dont go through a day without thinking about it, but im always too much of a coward to actually do it. i dont wanna kill myself but i wouldnt mind dying. I have dreams and stuff i wanna do but there are times when the future doesnt seem worth it. living is too hard and im just weak i know i am. I wish i was stronger.
I have times when i eat too much, and that used to be my go to when i was really bad but lately i feel nauseated all day and i get sick just thinking about eating.
My family is **** and they have no clue, they barely spend time with me (i dont want to spend time with them but my parents job is the reason why they are hardly home and my sister has a boyfriend now and she is 24/7 with him) they think i am just lazy but they dont know whats going on in my head
During summer holidays i hardly slept at night, but i slept a lot during the day and those 3 months went by like a big muffled and foggy 2 weeks now that i think about it. and school is just somewhere else where inhave to put up an act

Im sorry about my writing i just cant be bothered right now

I have attended like 4 psychologists throughout my life but none were about depression. When i was little i went because i couldnt sleep alone, and now i went because of anxiety but i quit after the first time because i felt so stupid for going.

I never told anyone about this, im mostly alone reading or watching tv shows when i can but sometimes i just lay down thinking and wishing i could sleep until everything is gone.

I find it hard to motivate myself to wash my teeth and take baths or even go pee sometimes. I need to do those things and i eventually will, but i take time doing them, its like im psycologically tired.
And everything makes me irritated.

I have been feeling like this for 4 years, but its aggravated an awfull lot this past year.

Whats wrong with me? Is there a way I can go through this without going to see someone? I know its totally okay to go, but i always feel so stupid attending.

I feel stupid even posting this.

[Paxiled]

You don't say how old you are.  You do sound like you're depressed.  It sounds like you've isolated yourself, which doesn't help.  You sound angry.  Go back to the psychologist and stay with it until you have a plan.  And I'd ask, did something happen when all this sadness started that might have kicked it off?  

[Houdini_girl]

17, sorry!
I guess i have, but i havent at the same time. Ive always been an introvert. I like spending time alone and i get tired when i spend a long time with other people. But i have friends and people to hang out with. the problem is that they all live in a very different world than me. I like a very little number of people and even those i dont really identify with, so i guess yes, im isolated, but not because i want to?

I dont really know. To be honest, there are so many things wrong right now that i think its just the piling up of stuff...
As ive said, im lonely, i feel like i have no one to talk to, my situation at home isnt the best: my father is always yelling and my mom is constantly putting me down and arguing with me over meaningless things, im applying to college and i dont know really what i want and time is running out, i cut ties with my best friend a few months back because i realised how much he didnt care (i talked to him about my problems and he would be nice about it, but then he would use them to mock me ad get angry at me), i have body image issues, during the summer i hardly got out of the house because of that, and its not like im way over weight, but im stil not comfortable with myself and this thing stops me from working out (i manage to go to the gym every other day but i also make up excuses not to go a lot of times). I think these things are what made last year a mess, but to some extent ive felt like this for longer so i wouldnt say this is what made me depressed. I guess i just am.
Sorry, im sorry if this was too long and bored you, and if it wasnt at all what you were asking, its just the best way i can answer what you've asked me.

I hope your day's going well

[Paxiled]

Sometimes you are who you are -- a lot of people don't have a great desire or need to be around people and others can't live without it.  But go easier on yourself -- you're at a difficult time of change with college coming up, and what's going on at home isn't helping but you probably can't do anything about it.  Losing a best friend is very painful -- as painful sometimes as losing a lover.  But given your body image problems and the amount of worry you're prone to, it might help to talk to a professional therapist and see if there's something beneath all this -- perhaps your family situation.  Cur yourself some slack -- and maybe the people around you as well.  

[AnxiousNoMore]

I will add that it is your life, not your mother's so if you feel therapy will benefit, you should get it. It is unfortunate that you feel she puts you down for it, and I have no idea if you are reading her views correctly, but fight through it and get the therapy if you need it.
Unfortunately depression is not something that someone else can meter in you, so if you are right that she doesn't accept it then you will have to ignore that and ask anyway. Life holds lots of possibilities but depression cuts off lots of possibilities.

[remar]

Your life does matter. You really should talk to your parents. Depression can zap all of your energy. You're not lazy, I promise you're not.
A lot of us on this forum are either where you're at, or have been there. The right kind of therapy and meds can do wonders so you really need to give it another try.
You sound like an intelligent person who wants to offer the world a lot of things. What interests did you have before the depression? You're young and have your whole life in front of you. You can do anything you set you mind to.
I'm so sorry my message is all over the place. You sound young, maybe in your teens. This is when my depression and anxiety started. It's sad that it happens to anyone, especially a young person who wants to do things with their life but just can't.
I'm glad you found this forum. The people here are so wonderful and caring. I know they've gotten me through some hard times so I really hope you keep posting here. When you're having a really bad day come here and there will be someone to talk to you.  

[Houdini_girl]

Thank you for your reply, it made me feel less lonely
I know i should try to get help, but everytime i leave therapy i feel stupid, weak, like i should just manage on my own, like im overreacting. I'm 17, sorry i didnt specify. Another problem with therapy is that i would have to talk to my mom about wanting to go again, and she just acts weird about it, she is too inteusive and she made a remark to put me down about it once, so i never talked about it again.
I like a lot of things, i play the piano, i like to read and write, i want to travel a lot and film and volunteer. A lot of the things i wanna do require planning, and im always low of energy to plan them, or i always make up an excuse not to. I cant even get out of the house to go for a walk. And i just dont go, i have no reason not to go, i just dont.
Im applying to college and i have to do a lot of things for it but i also dont have the energy to. Ive been putting off replying to an email for no reason since tuesday. I just dont answer it.

I'm sorry you struggled (and are struggling) with depression and anxiety. How have you been lately?

Again, thank you for your message, i hope you have a good day