I don't really know if I should be posting this here. I think I am suffering from depression, but I am not sure. I am sorry for posting my story here. It's just that I don't know who else I should ask for advise.
I am plump and i have always been made fun since young. Thus, i have no self-esteem and i feel that people are embarrassed of me. Recently, i have just transferred school from a local school into an international school and I have trouble making proper friends.. The others that had transferred into the same school aren't facing the same problems... They easily slipped into the cliques and they are all really close friends.. I tell myself that most of them knew each other last time so it is easier, but i know it is just an excuse to myself... There are others that has transferred not knowing anybody just like me and already has a group of friends to hang out with.. I have been here for 5 months already and i have no close friends, and no one to hang out with for breaks. During project works, I am the one with no partner and when people pick groups, i am the one that no one wants and i am picked last.… I was forced on them. People say that I should just be open, approach others, be who i am, blahblah. But I can't do it.. I tried... I am a person that really cares about what other people thinks of me and even tho i dont like people judging me, truthfully, i judge others.. I am picky.. I am trying to change but sometimes, i can't help not liking other people. Luckily, i hide it, but i dont like thinking this way. I am actually okay being by myself during breaks, but i don't like having others think of me as a loner or desperate.
In my old school, i used to have this group of friends (4 people including me) to hang out with so it was easier to handle things.. When i told my sister that i have no friends in my current school, she told me to just make friend like how i did in my previous school. The thing is that in my old school, I knew this one person so i could hang out with and then as time go by, i found my clique. The people there all came from different schools so they were all new and had no groups of friend. We used to do everything together, go lunch, watch movies. There was a girl in it that was my best friend and we were really close. We even SMS every single day, every single hour.. We even went home together. The thing that bonded us was that we both watched anime. We always talked about it. Now, after I changed school, We don't even talk much... We would still SMS but like for 5 minute every week... She found another girl in my old school to talk about anime... I am jealous, and i really didnt know how weak our friendship was... My other 2 friends like my best friend more than me... I never SMS them alot.. we used to talk in school, so there really no one to talk to anymore. I have thought about SMSing some of my other friends in my old school, but the others will be upset... Around 2 months ago, i was invited to watch a movie, and my best friend was angry that i went when she was not invited her. She is a great friend, but she gets angry easily, and I am losing her now because she found someone else.
One more thing is that i come from a "perfect" family.. Both my sisters are super smart(one of them scored the highest in her grade for O levels), thin and really really pretty. They are nice to me and even quite close... My parent both earn quite well and are responsible.. My family in fact are fun to be with.. I am the only odd one out. I am severely overweight, I cant fit into clothes, I am ugly, I am depressed and I can't score As for my subject. There is no "reason" for me to become like that.. I don't' trust my family, I don't really like them too. So, I will NEVER EVER ask them for help. Even tho they are my family, I dont want them anywhere near me or helping my emotional problems.
One last thing is that I do things for people becos I dont dare to say "No" becos I am scared they don't like me. I know I can't please everyone, but I am REALLY REALLY scared. I hate people pushing me around too. I don't know what to do.
I have considered committing suicide, but i am too scared. I am not afraid of dying (In fact I think dying is something we all have to go through. We don't know what will happen next, so there is not much to fear), I am afraid of what happen if i fail to die.