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787406 tn?1339203183

I was molested as a child and my mother still doesn't believe me

When i was 8 yrs old my step-father started molesting me,it continued until i was 17 yrs old. I was a shy kid. The last time he tried i finally had the guts to hit him square between the eyes and tell him to get the **** out of my room,my mother had just gone into her room so i knew she heard me,she didn't even bother to help me.

My sister and I told my mother at the end of the school year that year,she didn't believe us and to this day she still doesn't believe what he did to us. He recently died on July 18th,2009 and he took it to his grave with him and never admitted the truth to my mother. My mother calls me crying because she lost her husband and i have no sympathy to give to her.I sit and listen and it makes me sick she can grieve over a man that has caused her children so much hurt. My life has been hell because of him. Emotionally i am a wreck. I have been to counseling 3 times but it doesn't help.

My mother and i have been in so many fights over this,today she calls me and starts putting my husband down because he won't say he sorry she lost her husband, I told her he is protecting me and he doesn't have to say anything to her. She asked me some of the details of what happened to me by my step-father and i told her the details,she couldn't even tell me she was sorry but she made a point of telling me the only way she would believe me is if i took a lie detector test,I am her daughter i shouldn't have to. Why would i lie for 29 years? I am 46 yrs old and it makes me sick that my own mother doesn't believe me. She doesn't even remember the right time i told her she said it was after i ran away and it wasn't.

My step-father was a abusive man he not only did he beat us but molested me and my brother and only touched my sister and her friend once. My brother left and went to live with my real dad because of my step-dad.
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Avatar universal
I was 14 and was molested by my own father for 4 years it went on til I was 18 when someone in the family thought something was going on and decided to contact cps I'm still not sure who contacted them but I am now 40 years old and married but I still struggle with issues from what happened to me mostly because my own mother to this day still doesn't believe me and she is still with my father....she came right out and told the police that she didn't believe me he didn't get anything out of it he just had to move out for a lil bit til it was solved but I was 18 so I moved out we haven't had a good relationship since he treats me like craps and is in denial of what happened I wished he would just own up to what he didn't to me and my own mother had to know what was going on and just won't admit it cuz he would grab my breasts in front of her and she would say that he was just joking you don't joke like that with your kids
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1 Comments
to girls40. This is an old post. I recommend you start your own post so you'll get more answers.
I think some mothers are in denial because they don't want anyone to think bad of them. They don't want people asking, how could you not know? How could you not believe your child? So they just try to sweep it under the rug. I also think they're scared of leaving because they may not work or have a place to go. That's no excuse. If your child is being hurt you do everything in your power to protect your child.
My stepfather was a mean man. My mom had divorced my dad and had me and my sister when she married him. He had no children. They both worked but my Mom left later than he did and got home later than him. He would usually come in to the house in a rage after work checking our rooms, the house to make sure it was clean. Anything to get mad at me and my sister. It usually ended up with one of us getting the belt or hit. My Mom had no idea what was going on because we didn't tell her. We were too scared to. She didn't find out until we had both left the house how mean he was to us. She can't get over the guilt.
I would recommend you get in to therapy if that's possible. We drag our past in to our adulthood because we don't know how to let it go. This is where therapy can really help.
Please think about starting your own post so more people will reply.
Avatar universal
My parents are now elderly and need my help so that they can stay in their own home - my dad cannot be left alone and I need to look after him frequently.  I'm 59 years old and am conflicted.  Yesterday my mother was talking to me for about 45 minutes about my cousin's daughter who was molested by her father 30 years ago and how it has affected her life and how disgusting it was that this happened to her.   All of which is definitely true.  My mother finally stopped when I changed the subject.

My father sexually abused myself and my 2 sisters from the time we were very young until late teens.  The worst  of the abuse of me stopped when I was about 17.  The morning "weather check" continued as long as I lived at home at 23.  He came into my room naked every morning and looked out the window at the "weather".  While there he pulled off my blankets and ran his hands over my body and demanded that I look at him. He also talked to me about his sex life with my mother and would leave me porn magazines, books and cards in my room on occasion and then want to talk to me about them.

He had told me that he would leave my sisters alone if I cooperated when I was younger.  When I was 17 my sister told me that he had been molesting her also.  We both thought that we were protecting our youngest sister. My father stopped most of his molestation of me at 17 because my sister was "jealous" (his word), at the time I just felt relief. As adults, of course, we found out that he was molesting my youngest sister also.  My mother did not believe any of us when told of the molestation.  She continues to believe that if anything happened that it was the fault of her daughters.

I told the school at one time, in elementary school, when we learned about improper touching between an adult and a child.  My parents had to go to the school for a meeting and denied that it was happening.  I was punished for lying both at school and at home.  My mother did take my sisters and I to my grandparents for a couple of weeks, but we soon were back home.  I learned my lesson and never talked about it again.  

When I was in my mid 20s, after my younger sisters and I all left home, my father had a nervous breakdown and ulcer and ended up in counselling.  As a result of his counselling he had to go and see each of his daughters and apologise to us for the molestation.  My mother was with him that day and sat with her arms crossed and a frown on her face.  She was definitely intimidating.  She did once tell me that he was a "weak man" and I take after him. The topic has never been raised since.

I'm not sure what her purpose was yesterday for discussing the abuse of my cousin's daughter and going on about it not being her fault.  On occasion she mentions that although I look after my dad that I'm not close to him.  

My parents were pregnant for me when they married, my parents and some of my relatives think that I owe my father for marrying my mother.

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Avatar universal
wow you are a true mother. When i was 7 till about 11 I was raped by my brother and my uncle. I must have just blocked it out for years it didn't bother me. I used different types of drugs since I was 15 that might have helped. I am 38 now and getting clean from the drugs, but that is not good enough for my mother I should have never started doing them She says enough though my father drank every day but he was not an alcoholic. My husband knew about what happened to me because I finally came out about it to his mom because the same thing happened to her. When my son was 12 and my daughter was 7 I started treating him like I hated him. He did nothing right in my eyes. My husband had to sit me down and tell me my kids were not me and my brother and my son did nothing wrong. Thank God he did I can say my son is 17 and we now have a great relationship. I am very thankful for that. But like I said before I was on drugs quite bad and me and my husband lost everything. We are now staying with my mom and been on methadone for 4 months. We are clean. My mom does not believe me about my bother. I told right after that happened with my kids 4 years ago. Her response was we will see. I let it go she didn't believe me. We lost my dad right before I told her. I loved him he was my everything and me and my kids were his. My mother and I never had a good relationship. The only time I was good enough was when she needed something. I have to stay here a little bit longer but it is so hard. We just got in it today, I end up crying and she acts like everything is fine. I have never heard from her she is proud of me for getting off drugs or for anything in my life. I know I have to cut ties with her when I get on my feet again, and I know like my husband told me he believes me and it don't matter if he don't. Why does it bother me so much? I am so sorry you all had to go though this but I am so glad I am not alone. I know this is an old thread but it does help just telling my story.
Michele
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Avatar universal
wow you are a true mother. When i was 7 till about 11 I was raped by my brother and my uncle. I must have just blocked it out for years it didn't bother me. I used different types of drugs since I was 15 that might have helped. I am 38 now and getting clean from the drugs, but that is not good enough for my mother I should have never started doing them She says enough though my father drank every day but he was not an alcoholic. My husband knew about what happened to me because I finally came out about it to his mom because the same thing happened to her. When my son was 12 and my daughter was 7 I started treating him like I hated him. He did nothing right in my eyes. My husband had to sit me down and tell me my kids were not me and my brother and my son did nothing wrong. Thank God he did I can say my son is 17 and we now have a great relationship. I am very thankful for that. But like I said before I was on drugs quite bad and me and my husband lost everything. We are now staying with my mom and been on methadone for 4 months. We are clean. My mom does not believe me about my bother. I told right after that happened with my kids 4 years ago. Her response was we will see. I let it go she didn't believe me. We lost my dad right before I told her. I loved him he was my everything and me and my kids were his. My mother and I never had a good relationship. The only time I was good enough was when she needed something. I have to stay here a little bit longer but it is so hard. We just got in it today, I end up crying and she acts like everything is fine. I have never heard from her she is proud of me for getting off drugs or for anything in my life. I know I have to cut ties with her when I get on my feet again, and I know like my husband told me he believes me and it don't matter if he don't. Why does it bother me so much? I am so sorry you all had to go though this but I am so glad I am not alone. I know this is an old thread but it does help just telling my story.
Michele
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Avatar universal
I might have some insight into why mothers choose not to believe their daughters when it comes to something like this. Not that I defend it. Not at all. It's a depressingly male chauvinistic world, even this far into the modern age. I married into a family of child molesters, (my ex-husband's father molested his sister back in the 1960's and early 1970's) never thinking that my own child would inherit this trait. Stupid me. My then, 15 year old son exposed himself to his then 7 year old sister, and asked her to show him her genitalia. She told him to leave her alone, and he did not do it again. But the damage had already been done. I didn't find out about it for a year and a half after the fact. I noticed that she would not go near him anymore, and he had been her favorite person in the world before that. Once I found out, (she had told a friend at school, who told her to tell me) I called the sheriff in our town, who proceeded to tell me that it was really "no big deal" but they took the time to speak with my daughter as well anyway. You would not believe the people who were offended because I took my daughter's side. There are STILL people who will have nothing to do with me or my daughter. I even had people telling me that they did not know that a 15 year old boy exposing himself to a 7 year old girl was "wrong" in any sense of the word. Apparently, to the people who live in my former town(we've since left the community) it's perfectly fine for that kind of thing to take place, and as a mother my duty was to allow my son to do such a thing! I had to chose between my children, and I chose the victim, my daughter. I still can't get my head around the fact that anyone would think that it would be a mother's duty to ignore the innocent and take the side of the guilty. I think that's why so many women do just that. Something like this tears families apart (it did mine, I don't have a relationship with my oldest son) and I think women ignore it and look the other way, in order to sacrifice one person(the victim) to keep the peace with everyone else. Which I think is attrocious.
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Avatar universal
I  have same situation but no one in my family believes me .and I have to live with them still ,he's also my step dad but he comes off to everyone as a good person,so everyone thinks that I was after him ,I had to deal with him myself .not until I told him I was lesbian did he leave me alone,I've been having suicidal thoughts because of it .replaying it over and over again about the time mom and family chose him over me ,she had me lie to everyone and tell them it had something to do with my real father.his family who didn't like me already because of my real dad and because I wasn't biological.they all questioned me like I was wrong,and now my mom's acts like she  did so much for me when she didn't ,I did so much it's all ready been over two years since that day ,I'm now 15  I just want to get closure with but every time I try she runs away,I'm also tired of people telling me to appreciate I have him and I'm lucky but most of them don't even know .sometimes I wonder was it my fault all I know is I was scared,and I'm tired of this .the problem is that I'm either dealing with a crazy guy or a very smart wolf in sheep's clothing
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480448 tn?1426948538
This is an old thread.  You will get a lot more input if you start a new thread.  You also may choose to post this in out Abuse forum instead, it may be more appropriate.
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Avatar universal
Mammo, I too was molested as a child, it was by my step father. The thing that bothers me is that my other brothers deny that it happened to them, but when i told my mother, she admited to me that my cousin had come to her with the same claim, but instead of beliving me she tells me that she thinks I am fabricating the story , and that I belive so much that it happened when it really didn't. Im like WOW mom, you really are not going to belive in me. My younger brother is his biological son, my older brother is not his son, but he won't speak to me. I want my mom to accept me and belive in me, but I know this sickophant will be belived instead of me. I really don't want to loose my mother, and my family, but at what cost do I keep the relationship togeather, My sanity.  A little insight, I lived in germany for over 18 years becasue of him, I only moved back to the US after I knew that he wasn't with my mother and that he lived in maine still, once he came down to georgia It was like the memories started all over again. I was 42 when i decided to tell my mom. Sad but I guess that there are some things that we cannot fix and this is one of them. It is a relief to know I wasn't the only one who has expericance this
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Avatar universal
I was gay by birth already. According to my mother always new it. When I was living with her while I was between 8 and 10 in Miami I was molested at least 10 times by a gay friend of hers.  I guess he had that same view of me and took advantage of it. A as a gay man he would never be on my taste list. However I was a child I liked it an new I  had to keep it a secret. I believe this was part of my promiscuity of having gay sex later in my years.
I always made comments about it even with professionals but never with much detail about what happened and who was it. I always knew how much negative effect it had during the developing of my life but little by little I believe... I would completely forget about it.
Theses pass month my mother comes to my house with the big story she saw him and had lunch together and had a long talk. No mention of any talk about me and what may have they said. Anyway I didn't ask because I was
so upset this person was in the picture again. That day I did tell my mother how awful news because he abused me I quote "O mom I hate him because he abused me". She made no comment and changed the subject. Until some time later she tells me she sees him again. No normal story like he ask about me she told him about my health condition, not good nothing.
After talking with more details about what he did to me she was on his defense. One was I was gay already and the other one was look how well his doing because he new how to take care not like me that got infected in 1989. I was so mad because she will not believe me far more her emotions were zero.
Tonight I see her and she still wont believe me she carries his number on her wallet an I dear to call him and she say she doesn't want me in her life. She uses this tactic all the time to get out of her wrong doings. She is a narcissist.  She says she talks to her therapist and she tells me that he says to not worry about anything that we are bad sons. I finally goy the therapist name in a 123, because she would never want me to know and always talks about meeting him but when the appointment comes I never get to go.
I don.t know what to do I always tend to let go put something always brings me back to the drawing board. It's like something I have to solve before I may die. I'm very sick right now. I'm praying on a miracle...
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Avatar universal
I was molested when I was five or six. As an adult, I told my mother and she replied that I had told her at the time and she told me to just stay away from him and dismissed it. She didn't do anything to help me. When she does something thoughtless I think about this again and get angry.
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1617666 tn?1298829374
I can totally relate.I was molested from 11 to 14 yrs old by a preacher.My mom was an alcoholic and would send me every weekend to spend the night.He helped our family out and she got her liquior...so basicly I feel as though I was pimped out.I would never send my daught over night regaurdless preacher or not.She still says she doesn't beleive me and I'm 30 now.My childhood was robbed.
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1450578 tn?1284911986
Im 13, And i was molested twice in my life so far. My grandfather, at age 10. And my Cousin at age 6. I know how you feel to not be believed, My grandmother and grandfather (not the one who molested me) Never did believe me about  my cousin and always called me a lier, and that i just wanted attention. Also my own dad takes my cousins side. I hate him for that, he is a drunk and tends to hit me or my brother if we do anything to make him mad, I go to counselling to, but it doesn't help. Its hard to deal with all this ****. my dad has left a couple times but my mom always lets him come back. I hate her for that. Dont get me wrong i love my mom to death.  But i feel like she doesnt care when she lets him back. I always have to worry about them when im away because im afraid he will hurt my mom or brother. And being molested doesnt help at all. I want you to know your no alone, so if you wanrt to talk. ... we can.
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1450523 tn?1284907571
I was very saddened to read your story. I don't understand when mother's put their husbands over their children. I was married to an alcoholic and I found barely legal porn on his computer when he would drink. My daughter was five at the time and I didn't want anything to happen to her. I am a victim of molestation myself. I asked my five year old if her daddy had ever touched her, she told me no. I believed her and I also didn't want to believe that my husband would do anything to hurt his own child. When my daughter was seven she finally admitted that her father had been molesting her when he would drink. I was already separated from him because of his alcoholism. She told my mom first and my mother called the police. I knew that my child had no reason to lie about something so serious. I still to this day stand by her. My ex husband was convicted and sentenced to 25 years, 10 years served in prison. He still denies it to his mother, saying that my daughter and mother are lying. I have my daughter in counseling and she is doing great. She was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder from the molestation. My heart goes out to you, I am sure it is a double stab in the heart for you. Parents are suppose to protect their children not harm or deny them. Maybe you need to switch counselors. It's been hard as a mother to go through this. I don't know if I will be able to trust another man with my children. You are not alone, and I pray that you will find strength within yourself to cope with what you have been put through.
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787406 tn?1339203183
Thank you for the support, this is a time when i really need it. Tears come to often and it hurts my husband to see me this way. I wish my sister and my brother would stand up to her and tell her what happened to them but they just want the past to go away so they just deal with her.

I have recently started going to church again,but everytime i go i end up crying at church. I don't understand why i do.
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Avatar universal
Your mother has some major problems, which are not your's to solve.  You have made not only a big decision, but a very good one.  It sounds as if she is never going to change, and will only continue to make your life miserable, and appears to thrive on your misery!  I think you would make a good child psychologist, as you have been there, and will understand.  I wish I had the opportunity to do this myself.  But instead I come on these blogs and try to offer support in any way I can.  I suspect your mother's next step will be to try and put you on a guilt trip for cutting her out of your life, don't allow her to do this.  SHE has cut herself out of your life with her selfish actions.  Good luck in your endeavors................
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787406 tn?1339203183
I stopped talking to my mother for 2 years and it that time it didn't change her mind at all. She would talk bad about me to my sister and tried her hardest to turn my own child against me. They have my daughter so convinced it didn't happen that she formed a tight bond with him and was there at his death bed with my mother when he died.

Only recently has my daughter started telling me she is sorry for the way my mother treats me.

Today my mother has called twice already and i am going to keep ignoring the calls, I have decided i don't need her in my life. She is a constant reminder of what happened and that she didn't protect me.

I think i am going to change work fields and go into child psychology.Maybe i can help more kids try to deal with the after effects of what has happened to them. It is a field that i have thought many times over the last 14 years i would get into but never had the time to do it,maybe now is the time.
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Avatar universal
I truly understand, and life can seem so unfair!  Unless you can accept that your mother will probably be in denial for a long time, if not forever, you've got to let either what happened go, or your mother.  The two don't mix.  You trying to convince your mother of what happened is not working, and is only hurting you more.  It sounds like you are doing all the reaching out to her, she needs to be reaching for you.  Her children are all she has, and yet she chooses to treat you this way?  Sometimes the more we try to have a relationship with someone, the more the person pulls away (thinking you will always be there).  She needs to realize that you have been deeply hurt, and she has some fences to mend, and you're not going to wait around.  This will give her time to miss you, and do some thinking.  No matter what she has allowed to happen to you, and with all her denial, you are still there and trying. She knows that you desperately want her in your life, and she has no reason to be in any hurry to resolve these issues.  I hope you can get some therapy and get past the anger, as these men are still making your life miserable, and they should not be hurting you any longer.  I wish you luck with this.
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Avatar universal
If I were you, I'd contact the police and tell them of your suspicions, and the one girl's mother's attitude.  CPS may investigate her home, and the police will keep an eye on this man, even question him to determine if is a convicted pedopfile.
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Avatar universal
What a horrible thing for you to endure. Too bad that jerk isn't still alive because then perhaps with your sister as a witness you could bring legal action against him.

Sounds like he is exactly where he needs to be right now, "Hell."

Your Mother is probably just in complete denial. Only you can decide if you want to keep relations with her any longer. If it was me I probably would not ever talk to my Mother if she did not beleive me about such a serious sublect.

I hope that you have been able to find good therapy so you can talk out some of your past trauma.

That is a lot of trauma for a young girl to handle.

While were on the subjet...... There is an older man that lives a couple homes down from me and I just know he is molesting two very young girls in the neighborhood, I just can't prove it.

My other neighbors have seen "fishy" things too and we all agree that he is absolutly molesting these girls. Problem is that we just can't prove it.

I tried to talk to one of the girls mothers at her house about the subject, but her mother didn't even sound like she cared! She just lets this poor girl (9 years old) just go anywhere at any time of the day or night with no question.

I want to bring it to the police, but I just can't prove it and the girls aren't talking.

I have a daughter of my own and I want this scum bag to be exposed for what he really is.
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2 Comments
I can understand everyting you all are saying.my sister had a sexual relationship with our brother and when I tried to help her I told her to tell our mom and she didn't believe her either so I can relate
I'm glad that it wasn't kept a family secret.  Has to be really hard.  
787406 tn?1339203183
I don't know why i find it so hard to let go! I want my mother back as i keep telling her. I want a relationship with her.

I can't have a relationship with my real father not after what he said to me when i was 32 yrs old, see i was raped by a guy from a club that was supposedly taking me out to breakfast,this was 1 month before i met my husband now that i have been with for 14 yrs and my father sent my step-mother to come pick me up at the hospital, when we got home he wouldn't even touch me. the next day he told me it was my fault and that i better not press charges. My step-mom stood up for me and told him he needed to keep his mouth shut that i had done nothing wrong. It severed our relationship and i haven't talked to him in a long time. The guy got 10 yrs probation and 10 yrs rape counseling and 500.00 he paid the state and i got nothing to help me thru it.

Can you believe molested, abused by husband #1,and raped and thyroid cancer. Whats next?. And they say god never gives you anymore than you can handle.

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Avatar universal
Hi, my God it's like you are writing my story!  I went thru the same thing with my father and oldest brother.  I never went to my mom, I think I knew she wouldn't believe me.  But she had to wonder where he went in the middle of the night, and had to have known.  I left home at 17 to get away from all 3 of them.  My mother never had a good thing to say about me, and I couldn't stand the thought of looking at my dad.  When I was 25, my younger sister came to me, and told me that my dad was doing the same to her.  Before I had a chance to say anything, my mom called to tell me that my sister had told her.  She also thought my sister was lying and was actually angry at her!  I told my mom, "well, you need to believe it, because he did it to me!"  She hung up on me.  The next night, both my parents died in a car accident.  I was sad about my mom, but didn't understand why?  After going to therapy I found out that I was not grieving for my mom, but rather for "what might have been".  So long as she was alive, I had this hope that someday we could be close, but with her gone, knew this could never happen.  It made sense to me, and my grief ended.  I was told by my therapist to go to the grave sites and curse them both for all they'd done to me.  I went, felt absolutely nothing, and decided they weren't worth my time.  I came to the conclusion that none of this was my fault, and my dad was a sicko.  I decided that I would not be a victim any longer, and not allow them to cause me any more pain from the grave.  It was over and done with, I couldn't change it, it was their problem not mine.  You and I had no choices as kids, but as adults we do, and we can choose to allow what happened make us miserable, or accept that we did nothing wrong, and move forward.  My husband is glad he never met my parents, and would have acted even worse than your husband.  Kudos to him for sticking up for you!  Your mother will never accept or believe this, and has made a choice of who and what she wants to believe, and is putting you and your sister second in her life!  I'd kill someone that messed with my daughter, as I'm sure you would also. A lie detector test????  I can't believe she would say this to her daughter!  I think your relationship with your mom is a toxic one, and not doing you any good.  Maybe it's time you take a break from her.  How can she expect you to feel bad over someone dying that killed your childhood, and put you thru hell?  Maybe tell her you love her, but are very hurt by her attitude, and not believing you, and that until she can accept what a monster her husband was you don't want any contact.  I know it's hard, but she is keeping you upset, and it's time for you to have some peace.  She loved/loves this man, and maybe only time will make her see the light, if ever.  Do what is best for you, and don't allow that scum of a step-father to have any more power over you!  You did nothing wrong, you were a victim, choose not to be one any longer, and take back your power.  You're in a difficult situation with your mom, and only you know how much you want her to be a part of your life.  I hope you can do what is needed so that you can finally have peace, and happiness in your life.  I know all the feelings you've endured, and how lousy it can make you feel.  I used my parents as examples of how I didn't want to raise my children, and I raised 3 wonderful kids.  I now look back and it feels as if I was never a part of them, I have no anger, no bitterness, just nothing.
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2 Comments
My sister was abused and my Mum doesnt believe her. I have broken all contact with her and was wondering if anyone one here has ever written to their mother with any positive result?
That is heartbreaking.  I'm sorry to hear that!  That is like double abuse when the other parent (in this case your mum) doesn't support the person abused.  I don't blame you for being really disappointed in your mom.  Stay close to your sister and try to be there for her.  hugs
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