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1390847 tn?1344657468

Im deteriorating.

Alright, I never thought I would be this kind of person but since me and my boyfriend broke up i have become so freakin devistated that i can no longer fuction.  We broke up like a month and a half ago.  In the first few weeks i was actually doing well.  However, I've now become so depressed I really just dont know what to do.  I have like these surges of rage when I just lash out at the first person I see, or like, I had a dream that seemed so real that we were back together and when i woke up to realize it wasnt real, I got a surge of rage and punched my wall repeatedly until my knuckles were all bloody.
He wasnt just my boyfriend...he was my best friend.  and the only one who really knows the extent of my depression.  And now I am left alone...and its so awkward (he makes it awkward).  I have been skipping classes becuase I just cant deal, and I feel like im just deteriorating.  I NEVER sleep, barely eat, and I have cried so much non stop the past week that I'm starting to feel dehydrated.  Even at school, I cry my eyes out and Im at the point where I just really dont care who sees me.  
I have become so reckless and so just not caring about anything anymore.  I dont know what to do anymore...I feel like I was starting to get my life back in order and then we broke up and ruined everything.  I know this message sounds pathedic, but we dated for 2 years and been through way more than the average teenager together.  Im literally deteriorating and im so sad i didnt even know it was humanly possible to be this upset.
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Avatar universal
You're absolutely right, the holidays makes it all feel worse.  But now you are seeing a part of this guy that is not so nice.  For all he knows about you, and he can't even give you a friendly hug?  Plus, he's openly flirting with others?  The best thing you can do is to give him distance and time.  Right now he knows he can run around and party, and you will always be there should he want to come back.  He doesn't know what it's like to not have you!  Show him. Be aloof, stay away from him, don't call, text or email him.  When he doesn't hear from you in any way he will do one of two things: 1) Realize he misses you and what the two of you shared.  2) He will wonder how you are doing, and if he contacts you about this, don't respond, or act like you're moving on, and it has NOTHING to do with him.  Men will move mountains if they want you bad enough.  Right now he doesn't have to put forth any effort, because you are always there.  If you don't hear from him after the silence, then you have to ask...what have I really lost?  Keep working at getting out with friends, you are going to be just fine. I see all the good work you do on the forums, so I know how strong you are.  I think there are better times ahead for you.  I know we get tested a lot in life, and often wonder why we have to hurt so much, but it will all come together.  Write to me anytime, even if just to vent.  Take care.
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1390847 tn?1344657468
Thanks for the support.  Its just, he was everything I wanted and needed.  He was so sweet to me and would do anything to cheer me up. he was super supportive and we had so much fun together.  he was the only one of my friends and family who know everything about me.  my freinds/family know nothing of the extent of my depression and i really dont intend to tell them because i cant exactly trust them enough.  and now, that were broken up, he seems completely fine while im absolutly devistated.  and now, i will admit he is being a jerk.  he is openly flirty with a bunch of girls and just doesnt seem to care about my feelings but anyways i just cant get rid of this sadness. and christmas being so soon doesnt help.  I dont know how im going to recover from this...it just hurts so much.  After all the intense things we have been through together i just cant come to terms with the fact that I'm not part of his life anymore and that I cant hold his hand or give him a hug.  i tried hugging him, friend wise, and he wouldnt hug back it was weird.
Im tryin to hang out with friends but its hard becuase they do a lot of their own stuff.  I have depression no doubt, but add this to the mix and its just way too much for me to handle.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Not pathetic, just real.

I would also suggest seeing, or touching base, with a doctor or psychotherapist.

I'm sorry you're in so much pain.  This must be especially hard just before Christmas when many people are so focused on friends, family and celebrating.

I would advise you to keep attending class (failure will only make you feel worse later) and to talk to someone.  Talking may help you to put things back into perspective and help you to move forward.

Don't be afraid to ask for help if you need it.

Take care.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I am so sorry for all you are enduring right now.  I know your heart is broken and how painful this is for you.  But you say you were doing so well, and then he broke up with you....maybe there is a bigger plan and this will in some way propel you further along to recovery?  I know you feel like you've lost the one constant in your life, your anchor.  But one thing I know for sure, is we all have had a broken heart to this extent and felt like there could be nobody else ever for us, but nothing could be further from the truth.  Somewhere along the way you will fall in love again and look back on this time and see why it had to happen. Trust me on this.  Maybe you need to take a step back and look at the whole picture. Think about what you want out of a partner, and what you deserve, and it's not this!  I don't think anyone will think what you've posted is pathetic at all, because we've all been there.  You're hurting and that's okay, but don't allow this to define who and what you are, because I know you will rise above this.  Things like this take time, be patient with yourself.  But also stay as busy as possible, get out with friends, do things you enjoy.  The pain will ease and you will have grown as a young woman in so many ways. Big hugs and take care.
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