Hello to you all at MedHelp.org. I'm new here, so let me start by briefly introducing myself. My name is Lewis, I'm a 20-year-old male from Wales, in the UK.
OK, so down to business. For the last year and a half / two years, I've been very down. My grandfather died, and my Mother moved out, all within a few months of each other. I was left with a house to cope with, so I had to go and find a job. Luckily, I found a very good one, at a very well-known firm. But still, this was no consolation at the time. I started having big problems sleeping. I'd be lucky if I got four hours sleep a night. I would just be lying in my bed, worrying about things; thinking about things. Silly things. Any things. When I would tell myself not to be so silly, and to go to sleep, this did no good. Then, about a year ago, I started getting less sleep, averaging two and a half to three hours' sleep a night. For a week, I slept for eight hours straight, and I thought it was finally over with, but then it was back to two and a hal hours a night. It started to show in my work, and with my friends. I was taking more and more half-days / days off work. My general mood was down. I started to withdraw myself from any sort of social occasion, prefering the emptiness of my house to the company of my friends. I began to have the feeling that whenever I went out, people were looking at me. That they were laughing at me. That, when I turned to look at them, and ask them what was going on, they pretended to not be concerned with me, but my mind was telling me they were. I got very bitter with certain colleagues at work that I was once good friends with, because I felt they were mocking me behind my back. I constantly had feelings of being a failure: to my boss, to my late grandfather, to my grandmother, to my Mother, to my friends. Everything I seemed to do was a diappointment to everyone I knew. I started thinking that the world would be better without me.
Then, driving home from work one day in torrential rain, I saw a car-crash. The car travelling directly infront of me lost control. We were in the slow lane of a motorway. His car spun 180 degrees, and moved into the central lane, just missing me as he went. I looked at the car as it drove past me in the wrong direction, heading into heavy traffic, all travelling at speeds in excess of 70mph. I remember seeing the look on his face as his car carreered past mine. It was one of confusion. One of horror. One of a man knowing that he was going to die. I looked in my wind mirror, to see his car get hit by three other cars, and roll onto the hard shoulder. I keep seeing his face, even to this day. I wake up in cold sweats, seeing his face. I can't help but think that he was someone's son. Someone's brother. Someone's husband. Someone's father. It was so unfair. Why wasn't it me? Nobosy would have missed me. Why did I survive, and he didn't?
Ever more, I got the feeling that I couldn't cope with life, and still feel this way. It's all getting too much for me, and I don't know who to turn to. I used to have a really close friend who I could talk to, but her marriage is now falling apart, so we don't talk as much, and when we do, I feel guilty about talking about my problems.
I've booked to go and see my doctor twice before, but bailed at the last minute, for fear that he'll laugh at me, and tell me to leave, and stop wasting his time. But I've booked again (the appointment is on November 7th), and think I need to keep it this time.
I'm just looking for your opinion. Is there a way out? Do you think I'll be classed as depressed?