Avatar universal

Is there any way to cope with depression and self-hateed alone?

I'm a 21 year old girl who's been depressed and anxious for most of my life. I'm very insecure and distrusting of people to the point where I have a hard time opening up to anyone. Even my own family. I love them dearly and I know they try their best but they're also the type who are cynical and emotionally distant. I've tried multiple times to explain to them of what I'm going through and how much my self hatred has grown over the years but it seems to never get through to them. Every time I try to talk to them, they just say that I'm not trying hard enough or that I need to exercise because it'll help with everything. I've just came out of a psychiatric hospital a few weeks ago and I've been struggling ever since to even get up in the morning and actually do the things that I'm supposed to be doing. I'm trying really hard to improve my health and keep a consistent schedule but it's difficult when I have no motivation to do it. I've been switching through therapists so I don't even have a professional to consult with that I actually trust. The only people who seem to believe in me and encourage me over the progress that I've made are my two best friends. I can't expect them to be there every time I need them though as they have their own lives. I just feel like I have to keep going through this mostly by myself when I don't even want to. I've even tried looking for support groups around my town but they're all too far away to go to. I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm not suicidal anymore since the hospital but I still feel like there's no point in trying for myself.
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Avatar universal
Thank you for writing. I'm sorry you are in clinical depression. I've been there many times.

It sounds like your parents do not suffer from clinical depression so they don't understand. If they really wanted to help there is training available for parents who have a son or daughter with a mental illness issue. They could benefit from some training in how to best be supportive. (1: listen. 2: it's the listening that helps. 3. you don't have to have answers, it's the listening that helps. 4. The less fixing the better. Just listen. The listening itself is the fix.)

People differ in what they want when they are depressed. Some want to be with people and find that helpful. Others want to be alone and find that helpful. Personally, I want to be with people and I do very poorly when I am alone.

It really helps a lot to have supportive people around.

Oh I just remembered another way others can help. It's called "Exchange Listening". Set a timer for 2 minutes. You and one other person, sit, face each other, one talks, the other listens. For 2 minutes. You can say whatever is on your mind. How you are feeling. What you did today. What you did yesterday. What plans you have for tomorrow. Anything. Whatever you want to say. The other person listens without responding. No replies. No giving advice. No making suggestions. The other person listens, and just listens. Then after 2 minutes, switch, and the other person talks for 2 minutes, and you listen. After 2 minutes. Done. Both people say Thank You and go on to something else. Don't talk about whatever was said.

That's supposedly a great technique if you can find enough friends willing to do that with you. It only takes 2 minutes of their time (well actually 4 minutes), it's easy to do, doesn't take a lot of effort or thinking or problem solving, there's something about it that connects with the emotional part of the brain and appeases it and it feels better. It acts like some kind of medication.

The hospital if it's any good, they have a psych ward, they should have a follow-up program too. They should know, if they are any good, they know people don't just get suddenly well when they are released; people released need to go to the next level of care. Patients may not be acute enough for the hospital, but they still need a lot of care to continue their path of recovery. A good hospital will have something set up for outpatient care.

Our community has the whole mental wellness treatment integrated, where they have a single number to call for anything, and from there they will figure out how you are doing, what sort of help do you need, and match you up with the appropriate resources available they have to offer.

Still they admit there are holes in the system. People do get released from one place and they don't get moved to the next level of care. (Then they end up getting worse, and end up back where they were released from — which gives that place more incentive to make sure their patients when released get moved to the next level of care, so they don't come back.)

I think feeling insecure and distrusting of people may go along with depression. Have you found a medication that works for you yet? It took me a long time trying many different ones before I found the one that worked for me. Keep trying!

It also may be easier to open up to someone who has absolutely no power over you. That means not your parents. Means someone who's more of an unknown person who just cares.

21 you're definitely at the age where this is very common. I hope you have a psychiatrist doctor working with you. A counselor can also be helpful. Finding the medication that worked for me was the key to starting my recovery. Even if parents don't understand, they can at least know that you are not well and should not be expected to do everything a well person can do.

For me once I found the right medication, then I slowly began to lift and become more and more able to do things. Took a long time, but that's what turned it around. The rest was just surviving while we looked for a medication that worked, and then waited while it slowly worked and healed me.

Blessings. I do hope you feel better soon.
Avatar universal
First of all, the advice to exercise isn't just blowing smoke -- it really does help.  It releases actual chemicals that act as temporary antidepressants.  So that's good advice as far as it goes, but don't over-exercise.  I did that and now I'm all broken.  Don't do that!  But you're very young and you have to burn that energy -- you're at the peak of your energy and it does need an outlet.  As for the rest, even if you had a million great people around you it wouldn't fix you.  You have a disease, and it needs treatment.  Switching therapists around doesn't help, you need to find one who actually seems to know how to help what ails you -- you don't want to see someone who specializes in treating relationship problems if you need help with anxiety and depression -- and you need to work with that person to see if something sticks.  My favorite therapists were curious folks who learned things that were very practical and didn't just sit there and chat, they also learned things like hypnosis and CBT.  Unfortunately, these kinds of therapists almost never take insurance, and there's no guarantee it will work.  But when someone has been hospitalized for suicidality, I'm assuming you were put on medication, were you not?  When you get to that point, I'm not sure therapy works quickly enough -- it's not a quick process -- and usually you'd be put on medication for that.  So what are you doing to help yourself?  I get you don't want to help yourself -- I get it more than you can ever know -- but obviously if you don't try something different you will stay the same.  And if you have two friends who stick by you, you've struck gold -- many of us had all of our friends ditch us when we got sick.  You're young, you can get past this.  
Sorry, missed the lead.  The thinking you're describing is depression.  That's what it is.  That's why it feels like it does.  
973741 tn?1342342773
I am very sorry to read this and that you are going through all of this.  I'm also sorry your family isn't being supportive or helpful.  I know as a mom, sometimes I say and react in a certain way because I'm scared for my child.  Your parents probably have a level of not understanding and fear that makes them act less supportive. They really want you to be better and may feel helpless.  But I'm sorry you are ultimately feeling alone.  

After care post hospital is really important.  Therapy, medication if prescribed are essential.  

I whole heartedly agree with the striking of gold in having TWO friends.  No, they can't be your everything but no one can.  But they are there.  And care about you.  We have people here who will talk to you and support you too.  

Maybe each day have a goal.  It will feel good to complete that goal for that day only and not so overwhelming to have long term things to accomplish.  Hang in there and come back often!  hugs
Avatar universal
I am so sorry to hear about you going through this.  "Clinical depression" was my diagnosis many years ago.  I felt lost, alone, tired and angry almost all of the time.  I was frustrated because nobody knew what I was going through, yet everyone would come to me with their problems.  As time went by, I finally reached out for help and found it.  Things are much better now, and I hope you find some relief as well.  If I can ad one thing before closing.  YOU are worth the time and effort that YOU put into YOURSELF.  You get help for YOU.  You learn about your diagnosis and learn coping mechanisms.  You learn to acknowledge all of the grief that you are enduring and embrace it, just long enough to know that you can let it go.  Please continue to look for help.  You can reach me here if you want to talk.
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