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12573395 tn?1426018513

Is this more than depression and anxiety?

(I'm a male, 18yo. sorry for the life story lol)

I'll start with my childhood. I was very happy and energetic, but preferred to be on my own, and didn't spend a lot of time with my parents. I also started pulling my hair out and gave myself bald patches. when I was 12 or 13 I started getting depressed (I don't know why) and started slitting. my parents saw the slits and gave me no support whatsoever, but instead got angry at me. every time something bad happened to me, they would get angry. some people started beating me up and robbing me, I didn't tell them because they'd call the police, which I feared would get me beaten up even worse. one day I lost my bike, and my parents found out and didn't care that I'd just been threatened, robbed and intimidated. they were just angry I lost the bike. my mum was wailing and crying telling me how I messed the whole family up, my brother comforting her and tutting. anyway, I gradually stopped liking them, any noise they make, for example, loading the dishwasher, makes me punch the nearest wall. I conceal myself in my room, avoid them at all costs and only talk to them if absolutely necessary. I am now aggressive (only when i'm on my own) and constantly tired and apathetic. the people who used to beat me up did it a couple times a week for 2 years straight, so I started getting panic attacks and social anxiety from it. I'm a compulsive drinker, masturbater, smoker, coffee drinker, gambler and self harmer (punching things) a long with tons of other things.
I have no interest in talking to people, and am very bad at making conversation. I don't really get nervous, I just have nothing to say. I have no sex drive, I got ED the last time I tried to have sex (embarrassing) but I masturbate a lot. I usually go to sleep at 8am and sleep for 12 hours. I can't get out of bed to save my life, and have only gone into college for 10 minutes this whole year because of it. I also get sleep paralysis, insomnia, and frequently wake up during the night. and then there's the crippling paranoia of ghosts, random people on the street etc.
and finally the odd hallucination every now and then, for example breathing in my ear at 3am when i was alone in my room. although this lasted 5 minutes, and I've never heard of a hallucination like that, which makes me even more paranoid of ghosts trying to mess with my head.

I have been trying to sort this out for a few years. self administered therapy, meditation, exercise etc.
but I'm still the same. I've been suicidal for about 5 years now

so, sorry for my whole depressing life story but I didn't know how to ask this question without giving you the whole picture

so, does this sound like more than just depression and anxiety? or just a bad case of it?

(I am aware you can't give me a legal diagnosis, I'm just interested. I've made countless appointments with the doctor but missed all of them because I couldn't get out of bed lol)
4 Responses
91034 tn?1401416303
I'm sorry your going thru all that you have gone thru but I do know life will get better. That first appointment  to the doctor has always been the hardest for me but it has always paid off. You are suffering from something not sure if it's depression ,anxiety , trauma but a doctor can help you with that.  Make your appointments in the late afternoon maybe so it will be easier for you to get out of bed. Your not alone everyone on this page has felt hopeless at times.  My advice go see the doctor!!!!!
Avatar universal
I can relate to you're story. My mother went back to work after the week I was born. While she recounts this as to her amazing strength, she put me in the hands of a pedophile. I endured treatment that left me attempting suicide at age 3. She jokes that she couldn't keep me away from everything that would cause me harm. My last memory was spraying oven cleaner into my mouth...(I was 6 and looked for the skull and cross bones, which meant death), and kept repeating I want to go home, I want to go home. Home certainly wasn't where I was living.
I knew from an early age not to complain. My mom was a workaholic, and I got in the way. I was once hit by a car and got impaled by the handlebar. It didn't help that the man who hit me, yelled and blamed me for it, I was 7, but I knew my mom would be angry because she wouldn't have the time for this. So I treated myself and went to bed. I never told anybody.
This was how life was, if something happened to me, I kept it to myself. I treated sprains and breaks in my bones by myself, just so I wouldn't get into trouble. I write that seeing how screwed up that is, but it was my reality.
Avatar universal
Sorry, I didn't give advice to help. Since my teens I was seen by psychiatrist's and therapists. You are most definitely going through depression. You ache, you're exhausted, even though you may have slept for more than 24 hrs.
If you have an anxiety disorder, a phone call, a knock at the door or the thought of going outside sets off tingly feelings in your arms and legs and you find it hard to breathe, you get lightheaded and dizzy. This is an anxiety disorder, and I promise you that there are meds to help. Effexor not only helps with depression, but also deals with anxiety. I have a social anxiety disorder, thanks to what I wrote above, so I also take Clonazepam to help with anxiety and sleep. You do have to see a psychiatrist or at least your doctor. I truly hopes this helps.  
Avatar universal
I'm not a doctor, but you sound as if you VERY much need to see one, honey.

Write down everything and then, do whatever it takes to get a thorough physical.   Please, please just MAKE yourself go.  

I suspect you have multiple issues going on, including depression, anxiety, possibly OCD (the hair pulling and cutting are signs) plus you've been through a horrible, traumatic childhood.

You are so young...there is a life waiting for you to live it, but FIRST you MUST MUST MUST be evaluated by a physician.  

You will probably need medication (TAKE IT) and therapy.   Do not attempt to be your own doctor...this is beyond you, sweetie.   Trust me, I had a bad childhood too, and it took years of meds and therapy for me to be able to deal with my life, but I did, and now i have a wonderful one.

God Bless sweetie.   Now make that appointment and KEEP IT!

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