I'm sitting in a respite center, wondering when this all started, but I cant remember when it wasnt there. Anxiety, depression, social anxiety, agoraphobia. Factors of my childhood brought to my adulthood. Did I bring this on myself? Am i to blame for the abuse i suffered throughout my childhood, young adulthood into my aging years? Death, betrayal, anger, jealously, hatred, pity, love and respect sit perfectly together in one ball in my chest.
What happened to put me here? Many factors.. the building I lived in, the furnace blew. Thanksgiving morning we woke up to no heat, I live in Maine. It was 7 degrees outside that day. Told the landlord he just said ok, went to my daughters for dinner, asked the landlord if he got the heat fixed.. no it wont be fixed for a couple days. Friday he brought over some heaters... ahhh the electricity couldnt handle more than one small heater to be plugged it kept tripping the breaker. We closed down most of the apartment so we lived in the kitchen and one other room, the oven heated a little bit but it never got over 60. No heat at night cause we couldnt leave the oven running while we slept. Monday comes still no heat, I call code enforcement, if the heat isnt back on by wednesday building will be condemned. Still no heat wednesday, building condemned. In the mean time I'm trying to get help, a new apartment anything. Called red cross, they said if they help me it would use up all their funds! Called maine housing, no emergency housing available, salvation army.. no sorry. Called department of human services, no programs available for me. I have an esa dog, I am a recovering addict 12 almost 13 years clean, agoraphobic and severe social anxiety. They told me "get rid of your dog and go to a homeless shelter". I have a daughter that takes all her anger, hatred, depression out on me. Not physical but mentally. It got too much for me and I lost it. Everyone needs a little help sometimes, I just waited a bit longer than I should have. But I am healing and learning. So please when life gets you down get help it comes in many forms. Your doctor can help, be specific when asking about help because sometimes they dont tell you about certain things until your at your breaking point. But it is there.