Just about given up on life

[smooth123]

I would to apologize for making this post long and boring to read but i guess i need to write how i feel inside.  I'm 25 years old and about 6 months ago i had a nose op to striaghten my septum.  The op didn't work as planned and my nose looks weird now. Its not straight now and my nostirls are a different size to each other.

It started out a few people would stare at me in the street now and then but over time it was people smiling at me and laughing and as its got worse, everyone looks and laughs at me now. This has ruined my life i shake with the thought of leaving the house and i am sick in the toliet every morning before i go to work (i have rent to pay and force myself to go to work as much as it hurts. I would love nothing more than to stay at home). I can't look at people because its always the same thing, look at him he is strange looking. Oh he has a big nose.  Its like i no longer deserve respect and i'm some sort of freak.  I often look at old photos from happier times and it makes me hate myself even more for what i did.  I can't leave the house at weekends and evenings, i have a stricked routine of where i sit on the train to work and back. I get panic attacks where i can feel stares in the back of my head every time i am in public.  I can't build up the courage to tell people to mind their own business and stop looking.  My whole life is ruined.  mother and brother don't undertstand how bad i feel inside even though i tell them.

I was in the shop the other day and the shopkeeper was laughing at me.  I have had CBT and anti depressants which don't help.  Family keep telling me there is nothig wrong with my nose but they are lying.  CBT therapist said i have BDD but thats ok until some old man startes and points at me to laugh. I haven't cryed in 10 years but it go so bad i couldn't help it and i cryed myself to sleep last sunday.  It makes me look at life differently and how cruel people can be.  Break ups, debt and stress at work seem like a holiday now. I was alwayst the most confident person who would speak to anyone.  I dream about my childhood when i can get some sleep.  I can't look in the mirrow as it makes me sick. I don't know how much more i can take of this but i'm not cruel enough to leave my mum without a son. thanks for listening and if someone feels the same as me i really feel for you people. x

[louise65]

im so pleased for you, i have done cbt in the past and it helped me immensley,i really hope it helps you to and you can start to turn the corner and get well,good luck and well done, louise x  

[smooth123]

Hi Guys

I went to the psychiatrist on friday and was given citalopram. I am also in the line for CBT therapy on NHS this time.  I will keep you updated when the meds start kicking in.

Thanks

J

[AnnaE]

I know that there is some problem with your nose, and I encourage you to get it fixed. I am not minimizing your problem. I am saying that your are also depressed, and that I have suffered from depression all my life.

When I was a teenager through my early 30s, I wanted a nose job so that I could look like Grace Kelly, or someone like that. After all, my nose was the only thing that stood in the way. Finally, in my 30s, I learned that my nose was quite unusual and beautiful.

My changed attitude about my nose did not cure my depression, but I had one less thing to be depressed about. An important thing.

I want you to have correctived surgery. Write back. All of us will encourage and support you.

You are very young. You can get help, including with your nose AND your depression.

Practice smiling, to make you feel better. Pretend you are smiling at those who will help you.

[smooth123]

I never thought I would get to a point in my life where i don't have one aspect in my life that i am happy about,  I have complete sadness at the moment.  Positivity seems to be drained as soon as I hear the birds singing away in the morning sun. The Constant stares by people are enough to drive anyone mad and yet the sound of elton johns rocketman can lift me for 4 minutes.  See Music has been, is and will always be the best medicine for me.  In my darkest hour there is hope if only for a length of a song.

[louise65]

good, i reckon this is a really good starting point, i really hope it helps and it cant do any harm, i wish you all the best,let us know how you go,louise

[smooth123]

I have arranged an appointment to see a clinical psychiatrist on this coming Friday morning.  I will go and see what options regarding new meds i can take to try and help.  I'm still convinced people give me horrible stares and smirks but it can't hurt to keep an open mind.  Yesterday was the lowest point so far,  The sun was shining and everyone seemed happy expect me.

At the moment i'm fighting with the regret of having the op, if i can somehow find the positives to break through i might just have a chance.  My best friend told me a few years ago that never regret events in your life because they will eat away at you from the inside out.  How true? I'll keep you guys posted as to how friday goes.

Thanks everyone

J

[Jadeexx]

I suffered with depression for quite a long time (since the age of 12, I'm now 19) although I go through phases of servere to mild or moderate.  Anyway quite recently I was severley depressed, I was extremely pessimistic, couldn't see any future, felt intense sadness and emptiness, no self-esteem or self-worth, frustration, I wasn't eating enough and would have trouble sleeping or not sleeping at all, would stay in the same clothes for days, even up to a week at one point, become withdrawn and was having suicidal thoughts.  I didn't actually want to die, I just needed to escape from how I was feeling, I couldn't see myself feeling better and I thought I would eventually end up back in the same place even if my life did improve.  Anyway, I believed the world was out to get me; I believed my family secretely hated me and that they were wishing privately that I did kill myself or leave them alone, I would feel self-conscious while I was out because I thought people were staring at me and judging me and I avoided places and people because I felt as though I didnt deserve to take any positive steps in my life.  The thing is when you're depressed you can't actually see how bad you are until you get better and look back.  Then you realise that everyone was genuinely trying to help you, that no-one was staring at you or judging you, and that its ok to try and be happy, because the depression makes you feel just the opposite of all those things.  It always gets better, but you need help ...you can't get rid of it by sheer will alone. Talk to someone you trust and a doctor/counselor/therapist etc.
  Your nose may not be as bad as you think, but if it is causing serious emotional harm, then do speak to your doctor...you may beable to work a way around the cost. But definetly get help for the depression because that is what is ultimately causing your unhappiness.
  Good Luck

[jdansti]

There is hope!!!

It sounds like you are in Great Britain, so my apologies if something I say below is not possible based on your healthcare system - I'm in the US.

I went through severe depression caused by a reaction to a gastric drug called Reglan.  No matter what caused your depression, it is a medical condition that needs to be properly treated.  It's good that you are on Effexor, but if you still have symptoms after giving it a chance to work, you might need to add or change meds.  There are so many out there, and some work better than others depending on the person.  I was on one that completely got rid of my depression, but the same drug gave a friend of mine bad side effects.

Make sure you are seeing the best psychiatrist you can find - even if you have to pay more.  This is your life and it is worth more than any sum of money.  Use whatever options are available in your healthcare system.

Regarding the septal surgery, you are wrong - it was not your fault (assuming you didn't stick a scapel up your nose to do the surgery yourself!).  You sought medical help to fix a medical condition called "deviated septum".  I have one too and will also have to have it corrected if I want to be able to breathe properly.  If possible, I would find a well-recommended plastic surgeon to correct the previous surgery.  There's no need to live with the bad results.  It can be fixed!

Remember - you are the same person that you were before the nose operation and before the depression.  God, your family and friends love you the same regardless of any physical attributes.  What is different now is how your brain is reacting to the various stresses in your life, including having to deal with hateful people who judge others by their looks.  Continue seeking help and make sure you have someone you can call if you feel like hurting yourself.  You should have your psychiatrist's cell phone or pager number too.  If he won't give it to you, find one who will.  I have mine.  This is all from experience.

Best wishes for a complete recovery!

John

[smooth123]

Hi Lousie

I do have depression and have done for about 4 years but before the op i was depressed never paranoid. No this is something quite different,  its more a case of bullying from strangers if that makes sense.  I can't describe how much this has ruined my life.  I can't even go to my favoritre take-way anymore let alone football matches.  Man i hate monday mornings the worst.  I am on effexors.  I thank everyone for their support.  Its such a shame because the summer is now fully on its way :-}

[louise65]

this is just a thought i had from reading your post, please dont take offence, it is not meant to be critical. do you think you have severe depression? are you being treated? i ask because i have in the past suffered severly myself, when at my most unwell i became quite paranoid and it felt very much like what you seem to be feeling. maybe you should talk to the doc re your mental health, there are some very good meds out there, that will treat depression anxiety and paranoia.  if you feel im totally wrong please just ignore me! however if you feel even a little recognition of these symptoms talk to your doc, what do you have to lose? if the meds dont help you dont need to contiue but it may just be the key to taking your life back, hope you are doing ok, let me know what you think and take care, louise 65

[lonewolf07]

Hi

Reading the above posting about talk shows also made me think of a few other things.

Do you know of anyone in the local media that might advocate or help raise funding for your plastic surgery?  Have you ever considered a malpractice suit against this dr and the hospital he works from?  Most of them are covered by malpractice insurance.  Sometimes even local politicians will help out if it gives them "good publicity".  Depending on what you think you can handle, making your problem public might put enough stress on the dr and the hospital to re-set your nose. These are just random ideas.  Do you really think it would make it worse to have it fixed?  It seems like you are suffering enough -  but you have to do what is right for you.

Hugs ....

wolf

[ADHolley]

I'm not trying to be funny, but call a talk show like TYRA or Oprah, Dr. 90210 or even discovery health, they love doing these cases for free as they help you and most importantly for them, they get exposure, ratings, and money.  It can't hurt and just might help.

[smooth123]

Thanks Guys I really appreciate your comments.

I went back to the surgeon but I was told if i wanted something else done it would cost me about £3000.  I don't just have that sort of money and I'm thinking what if it looks worse after than it does now.

I was always a strong person about everything i did.  I can't even look my own mother in the eye.

I never thought the sun would be as depressing as it is now? lol

[lonewolf07]

The dr who did this to your nose should be reported to whoever agency governs drs.  At the very least he should refer you to another dr  - a plastic surgeon or something.

In your position, I wouldn't be suicidal because then people would laugh at me while I was  in my coffin.

Do you think your nose can be fixed?  Do you want it fixed?  Have you asked a dr about it.

Something about the whole situation seems bizarre.   I've been laughed at and ridiculed by people who have the integrity of a flea (apologies to fleas everywhere).  It hurts - a lot.

Hopefully, you can forget suicide and get your nose fixed asap.

Hugs from one who knows the pain of being different ....

lonewolf

[Emma_08]

Hey,
I hope you feel better soon.  I'm sorry to to hear about your surgery and all of the pain it has caused you.  People can be incredibly cruel, but they probably don't notice your nose as much as you think.  My old roommate's nose was broken about 3 times and wasn't straight, but to be honest...I really didn't give this much thought until she pointed it out.  And I agree completely with Rachypoo's post, if you show confidence and demand respect from others, the chances are pretty high that you will start to feel better and get the respect you deserve.  Don't bother with the people who are jerks - you don't need this.  If somebody is going to judge you on something as small as how your nose looks, you don't need to be bothered with them - you deserve much much better.

Anyway, just a note on anti-depressants and therapy.  Try to keep with it and if you don't like you current therapist, find somebody else.  I have had depression and social anxiety for years, but found no relief until I found the right counselor and medication.  It is hard with anti-depressants because what works for one might not work for another.  Same with therapists.

Be well and good luck :)
Emma
  

[hope_for_more]

I agree, people probably don't notice it as much as you think.  Have you tried going back to the surgeon and telling them that you're not satisfied with the result?  Maybe that would work, I don't know.  

I did want to let you know that you're not alone.  I had skin cancer on my nose several years ago and the surgery left me with a scar across my nose and it's a little turned to one side (where they removed tissue) with my nostrils being a bit different size and shape.  My nose was pretty small so there wasn't alot for them to work with in reconstruction.  I don't think it's too bad but it sure isn't the nose I used to have.  

I hope you start to feel better soon and I hope that at least you got some relief from the septum problem. I suppose it's cliche but things really could be alot worse, a nose is just a very small part of who you are.

[Rachypoo]

Hey there, hope you feel better soon.

People probably aren't looking at your nose as much as you think they are. It's probably more of a very self-conscious feeling where you are so nervous and self-conscious about it that you portray that everyone feels that way. It can be normal to be scared of social situations, but just try to relax, your feelings of discomfort are often sensed by other people which will make it more awkward and cause them to look at you adn see if you're okay, while you might think they're staring because of the way you look, and the cycle continues. Just try to relax and smile, even if you're nervous and scared on the inside, try to portray yourself as confident, and eventually you may get some of this confidence. If you feel your nose is a feature you aren't happy with, you can do things to bring out another feature. Wear glasses that accentuate your eyes, wear a nice color shirt, smile to show off your teeth, etc.

If you find that there are cruel people who may laugh at you, do your best to ignore them or confront them. You don't deserve this.

Also, there may be some kind of procedure that you can get done to re-try the surgery if it was the result of a surgical error.

Best of luck xx