The last week, I have been iritable, short tempered with my friends and pretty day dreamy, my partner has been trying to get my attension all week, and I am like...what?? I had a huge fight with all my friends, I told them everything I thought about them on impulse, and now I am being excluded, after they all agreed with me! I don't understand, I just feel really psychotic about why I am doing things, like I don't think of the consequences after, and like I am out to hurt people.
So this morning I am fine, off shopping, had cuppa with a mate, and then this afternoon at about 1pm I totally crashed, crying, feeling sorry for myself, the WORST suicidal thoughts I have had in ages, I spend about an hour making up a plan in my head to get rid of myself, looking for attension from my mates online, and getting upset when everyone is ignoring me.
I can't eat, I havent eaten all day except my coffee and like 100 cigarettes, that is an exaggeration, but I just feel really irritable and I dont want to talk to anyone and now all of a sudden I am fine.
I have an ADHD diagnosis when I was 20, no one really in my family is bipolar, except I kinda think my mum is a bit weird - we don't talk, and her dad was a shady character, jailled murder etc. So I wonder if he had anything wrong with him?
I had a manic episode about five months ago, I did three laps in my town, looking for realestate to find my new life, told my partner all these things about me, and pissed off for a couple of days, he was well and truly gutted. I so didn't mean to hurt him like that, and I apologised, but I keep hurting him like this, doing far out things.
I heard about rapid cycling today, and I reckon today would be the day, I have experienced all sorts of ups and downs, I feel so weird.
I am on Lexapro 20mgs for clinical depression.
The last few months, I have been on top of the world, passing with good marks at uni, fantastic social life, my friends have been asking me for advice, and been really great, and then all of a sudden, I couldn't help it, called them all a pack of C***s for past hurts - totally out of the blue and very impulsive and now I am suicidal, and dont want to see anyone. Now I am okay, I am going shopping with a mate. My moods are completely erratic, and I seriously don't know whats wrong with me.
I went to see my GP about it all when I got put on Lexapro and he wanted me to see a psychiartist, but I can't afford to atm. And its been giving me anxiety to get off my bum and do something about it.
Sorry for this long winded post, I just need encouragement I suppose.
Thanks - Jem.