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14364636 tn?1434144395

Letting go of the past and moving forward

I've been struggling with this for years and i feel frustrated and crazy sometimes that i can't get over it especially since i just graduated from high school and i want to move on with my life. well so i have struggled with depression and social anxiety since middle school. I was bullied pretty badly. girls would write on my locker curse words, throw basket balls at me and hit me in gym, girls would write notes telling me to go kill myself. i had trouble making friends, or when i made them i had trouble keeping them because they would eventually have friends who didn't like me or they wouldn't like me anymore. i was so afraid to have crushes, because there was this one boy i was good friends with and we would hang out all the time. i started to like him and out of no where he avoided me like the plague. this one girl in a class (she was sitting right next to me and he was sitting right next to her) said to him, "why don't you and (my name) talk anymore? i mean she does have a crush on you." i was scared because i never told anyone that i liked him. then he started laughing "well no ____!" he said "she makes it so obvious" then she asked him "would you go out with her then?" he laughed again, "are you serious?!" he said "she's so creepy and clingy" i was told that a lot in middle school and elementary school that i was creepy. but anyway, i would tell my parents this but they wouldn't listen to me because they were very busy taking care of my sister who is autistic so they would tell me to get over it. i hated them for years. but my mom finally saw that i was miserable so we moved to another state, where my cousins went to high school and i started high school there. its great! there is no bullying, everyone is so nice and I've been here since freshman year. heres the thing though, even though i don't go to that middle school anymore, i still struggle with thinking I'm creepy. i was afraid to talk to people for years and i just started making friends my senior year! but all the memories are coming back, i feel crazy but i keep fearing they won't like me anymore when i know thats not true. certain things remind me of memories from middle school and how lonely i was and ill just start crying. I'm so afraid of loosing friends, I'm so afraid of liking someone and they will find me creepy. i know none of this is true but the memories won't go away! i just want to move on. everything is fine now, people like me i have friends. but i keep getting reminders from the past and its driving me nuts. what should i do? (sorry this post was so long XD )
3 Responses
Avatar universal
Hey Quinn!
You have begun thinking about the old days because your life is happy now and so your mind is letting out all that junk to go ahead and see it for what it was, which was OTHER people venting THEIR problems on you, and so now that you are strong, you can safely let out those old feelings.  Since it's bothering you too much, tho, it's okay to just quit with it, you've reflected enough, just put it all in a box and up on a shelf.  You ARE what you are NOW, always have been, always will be.

I think it's time for you to find an expressive hobby, to release all the sadness and doubt in a positive way, like taking art classes, learning how to play the guitar, maybe getting into graphic arts in college, and dancing is really fun... I joined a swing dance group, we were all awful, and this was old-timey square dancing where they did the calls and we swung around in our little circles, I had taps put on my shoes.  That's just to get you thinking.  Then there's extreme sports where you get out what's bugging you thru martial arts, an excellent confidence-builder, or learning to ride horses, try to get a job working on a small farm, helping with the goats, cleaning stalls, that sort of stuff.

Meditating Is another way of relaxing, which if you relax, bothersome memories have no room in that state.  Sit on the floor, look at a glass and colored object in the windowsill, throw everything out of your mind except that one thing you're looking at, and then close your eyes and ask the universe what is wrong, how can you approach it, "help me."  Within just a few minutes, you will likely cry and you will have your answers and help.  You can also get into a meditative state by walking, jogging, stationary bike riding, listening to music while doing chores.

Keep in mind that MANY young people have had to bear the bullying that should not go on in schools.  Staff isn't trained to do this, which they should be.  Just remember those kids who bullied are bums.  The millions of kids who were bullied eventually realized it wasn't theirselves, it was the bullies who had problems.  When you get out in the world, keep that in mind, that you are not alone.  It's not something you share with others.  Only with a psych counselor, which you can go to the free clinic at the county Dept of Social Services, the Health Dept, you can go as a walk-in and usually be seen the same day.

Hope all MY jabber! helps you out.  You sound like a nice person. GG
14364636 tn?1434144395
thank you, i write songs and am in a chorus, exercise everyday, and am trying to focus on making up school work for college. i also have a therapist i talk to about this. i feel though maybe i should do more activities with peers. i have to let the past go and maybe finding more things to do that make me happy and keep my mind off it will help :)  
Avatar universal
Hey sweetheart, a lot of people have trouble in middle school.....it's one of the hardest times in life for some.  I know it's hard, but remind yourself that you are in control of your emotions.  Don't let those bullies win.  Don't let those bullies from years ago steal your joy.  You have new friends, new school, new experiences.  Those people who made you feel like you were creepy are creepy.  They are the ones who are the losers and bums of the world.  They have huge problems.  Theirselves.  

I am so proud of you for coming forward and getting those junky negative thoughts out of your head.  That takes a lot of courage.  I'm glad to hear you have hobbies.  And I'm glad your preparing for your future.  

You have so much going for you.
Please don't dwell on the past look for a brighter future
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