Maybe I need help?

[Summer123]

Don't know for sure.  My major symptoms are panic attacks and anxiety.  However, I really don't want to be alive anymore either.  I mean of course I'm afraid of dying, but not really death.  If I knew I could go to sleep tonight and not wake up, I would be very grateful.  I just don't want the pain of dying.  Have been on paxil, trazadone and xanex for so many years.  Went off paxil 2 months ago, going off trazadone now, have cut down on xanex from 4 mg to 1.5 or 2 mg.  Found out I may have mouth cancer (a biopsy went in last Thursday).  Have lost 80 pounds in 4 years without trying and have been eating everything in sight for 6 months and not gaining an ounce.  Suspect I have cancer, but don't want to know results.  Don't want to face chemo, radiation and all sorts of facial reconstruction therapy just to find out nothing helps anyway and really don't mind death.   The doctor will call any day with results and I don't want to know.  If it's nothing, great (I think cause I'm not sure I don't want to know I only have a couple of days to live doesn't sound too bad right now), but if it's cancer, I don't want hubby to find out and tell me I have to go through the living hell of the cancer treatments, for which I would seriously look for a tall building, which I might look for anyway.  I hate antidepressants, but if it turns out it isn't cancer, do you think I need one?

[xanweaner]

Yes, I did cut my dose again - it's the 6th day...it's to be expected, but I was hoping that perhaps this phase wouldn't be as bad.....no matter how I do it, there are many moments of just plain discomfort - mainly all psychological...So, yes, the irritability and depression is all part of the package.

The psychologist I linked up with has a ph.d. in neuropsychology...I chose him because of some phone discussions we had prior to my session, plus he did his training at UC Irvine, which is a top university. It's important that I work with someone who has a solid training that includes drug pharmacology. Also, there were some issues in my past that had involved neurological complications, and I wanted someone who could give their assessment of this.

I know I should give myself a pat on the back, but it just seems like it's just dragging on far too long now....I am so ready to shut my xanax bottle and push it into the back of my medicine cabinet...I want this whole saga to end already...

Since you only seem to be taking xanax once/day (?), it doesn't influence your life like taking it was affecting mine. Watching the clock, waiting for the next dose, was getting old...so I can only hope that this will end in the next few weeks.......

I hope that you're having a better day today, too...and thanks for the offer of the PM, too....
Best,
♫xan♫

[Summer123]

So sorry you are having a lousy day today.  You should give yourself a pat on the back because as much as I try, I don't think I'll be ever to go off of xanex.  What does a neuropychologist do?  How do they help you?  

Did you recently cut your dose again?  That may be why you are feeling depressed and irritable.  If you want to talk, just PM me.  Hope you feel better.

[xanweaner]

CBT didn't do much for me, either...I actually did quite well seeing a Holistic Psychologist and just recently started to see a Neuropsychologist  who I really like.
Don't try and wean off too many things at one time....just focus on your Trazadone first, before you take on the xanax.

Go to El Dave's site and you can read a bit about what's been going on....suffice it to say, he had a health emergency and he'll elaborate more after he gets caught up at work....I was really worried, too...

I hope you're feeling ok - thought about you this morning and wondered if you got your biopsy report back yet...
I'm having a lousy morning so far - Day 6 of the weaning....feeling depressed and irritable....and just plain uncomfortable.....jumpy.....
(sigh....................................)

[Summer123]

Thanks so much for the cyberhugs, etc.  I have been seeing a cognitive behavior therapist regularly.  Somehow it's just not working for me.  Actually, I haven't reduced the xanex for a while now and am trying to stay at 1.5 mg (although I occasionally go to 2.5 mg like tonight when I can't sleep - that's from withdrawing from the trazadone).  

I really want to stay off antidepressants if possible.  They do nothing for my anxiety.

Hey, what do you hear from el_dave?  Haven't seen him post in a while and was concerned.

[xanweaner]

Oh Summer, I am so sorry to hear about all your health concerns...but especially about your tremendous sadness right now.  You have been off Paxil for 2 months now...just tapering off Traxodone and now xanax reduction....that is a lot to take on in such a short period of time. Factor in the fear of cancer and it's no wonder you're feeling so down.

Are you seeing anyone - therapist to help you right now? I think it's time to get some help...whether it involves taking something again, or some talk therapy. But, you are in definite need of support right now.

I'm sending over a cyberhug to you ...but I know that you need much more than that...and hopefully, the results from your biopsy will be negative...

All my best,
-xan-

[Emma_08]

I'm sorry to hear about your health problems and anxiety :(  I would really suggest seing a counselor to help you get through this tough time in your life.  And if you are having thoughts of death, please get help right away.  I have been dealing with some health problems for this past year, and it has gotten me very very depressed, as well as anxious.  However, I have started seeing a therapist again and began a new antidepressant...believe me, things are still very hard, but I feel a whole lot better than I did.  I hope you get good news from your doctor, I wish nothing but the best for you!
Good luck,
Em