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Avatar universal

Mental disorders make me want to kill myself

I really need help.
I don't know what's happening to me, mentally, physically and just everything.

I've been going through traumatic stress lately, to where even dropping my favorite coffee mug made me get constant suicidal thoughts that pushed me to the edge of my 2nd story bedroom window.

Whenever my brother breaths, sniffles, or smacks it makes me want to rip myself out of my own skin.
My mother often calls me crazy and mental whenever I get angry over the sight of my brother breathing, or any other person breathing in general.

What I often do to avoid these sounds is locking myself in my own room, causing me to miss weeks and weeks of school to where the school threatened to take me to court about my absences.

That happened about a year ago, their still threatening to do it.. And it only made things worse.
After passing out after I walked out of guidance after hearing that, it was only then I started hearing voices and hallucinating things, scary things.

I've been living with these strange pitched voices and horror like hallucinations for only half a year so it still makes me scared.

Whenever I get mad now, I pass out and start foaming this weird white stuff. After I wake up from losing conciousness I get major migraines.

This is all because of my annoyance of sounds that I try to block out with my AC, and because of my brother purposely getting me in trouble by my mother who screams at me about seven times every day.
I decided it's best to kill myself.

It's not like I don't have any friends, I do. But I never get to see them..
I tried getting help once but all the people said I was selfish and would make other people sad by my suicide and selfish acts which only makes me want to kill myself more.

I'm starting to get violent too, and it's scaring me. I often wake up with large scratches and my back covered in blood by these scratches and I think that's a sign to hurry the **** up and jump off a cliff.

So i DONT want to die, I'd much rather be happy and live a happy life without my brain killing me inside, but I think it will make everyone happier other than my friends if I died instead, since I will give my mom a break from stress and my brother not constantly being watched by me so I can make sure he's not mouth breathing since I'm selfish like that
Im Scared of myself and death so I'm going to die.
9 Responses
Avatar universal
Dear KBuggy,

We understand your troubles and want to assure you we are with you! You can gain support from others here on MedHelp. We want you to hang in there!

Please do check your inbox.

We wish you the best and please do not lose hope, your life is precious!

Medhelp Moderation
Avatar universal
You say you have sought help to kill yourself, but don't say seeking help to fix your problem so you don't feel this way anymore.  You very much need to see a psychologist and a psychiatrist if it's gotten to this point -- you're ill, not evil.  
973741 tn?1342342773
Kbuggy, I am so sorry to hear you are feeling this way!  These kinds of emotions are overwhelming.  First, and VERY IMPORTANT, if you feel like you may act on any urge to harm yourself, PLEASE call the police and tell them you feel suicidal. Mental health difficulties can cause our brain to feel jumbled, unclear so reaching out to those who can help during a time of such distress is essential.  Everyone wants you to be SAFE!

It might be helpful if you googled misophonia.  You describe symptoms that are associated with this.  My own son has auditory processing issues which are part of the sensory system (his is out of whack).  He hears sounds that most can ignore like they are full volume and can't tune them out. My son will use headphones to help with this.  

Please know you are not alone.  There are numbers you can call 24 hours a day to connect with someone who will try to understand and help.  Suicide prevention is a very serious topic.  Take good care of yourself and please let us know how you are doing!
Avatar universal
Hi I hope you read this and it helps You find some peace of mind. Months ago I felt the same way I'm Bi Polar so I feel pain. My whole life I've felt it. But it's not about me it's about You KBuggy. Take some advice from a person that You can trust to talk to no one family trust me on that. Even tends to think selfishly. What do you believe in Heaven,Hell,Paradise,(Limbo)(Purgatory) the place where you ascend the pain of this life to maybe get reincarnated into a higher or lower being? Think about setting suicide aside is the thing I heard that spoke to me from many Points of View of many people it's selfish a deal breaker and ultimately going to have a vast worse outcome that living and seeing it through. Geeta look this word up online and similar words like same spirt but free of mental illness is the hopefulness that You seek a better life outcome by just ending it. I challenge you to make it though this at this moment and start thinking bigger and setting aside man kinds selfish ways it's something I'm looking to learn greatness from a higher teacher if that is just the act of living and seeing things slowly get better cool. If it's someone who You learn something and can help others GREAT. Must be a reason You are here is all I have been thinking about You and me and everyone else. I'm not going to tell You I feel like I know a lot more because all of life is a lesson we have to learn to set aside our EGO and maybe meditate on someone else needs and or words of wisdom start thinking how can I help someone else not to look or feel good but to know we are here for reasons. And I don't know if being a gamer has changed my outlook what if it's not infinite wouldn't like to have a piece of hope that Your pain doesn't go away with drugs/drinking/addiction/killing yourself but maybe in this life your pain might be like a fading memory that You look back on once and never again I hope this for You and everyone else like us.
1551327 tn?1514045867
Kbuggy, you have been given a lot of information and support here.  I hope you understand that there are those out there who may not be able to get this kind of support and I hope that you come back and let us know not only how you are doing but let us help you to come up with a plan to treat your disorder.
Avatar universal
Actually people close to a suicide victim think about it all day long, so you would not be giving your mother a break. Instead she might wonder with guilt what she could have done to stop you.
Avatar universal
when i was young i had a problem i would try to have possitive emotional feelings though very hard to do i would also try to have positive thoughts about the situation at first very hard to do i got better and better about it i eventually (in several months) got in the habbit of being positive.
Avatar universal
Kbuggy ...  first u need to find someone u can talk to. You are not crazy. You do have some issues which can be treated by doctors. I myself have depression. Things annoy me too especially when I'm tired or depressed. My friend has trouble going to restaurant where there is a lot of noise. Just like someone previously stated about their sons auditory processing disorder. It is real. There are things to help with it. I think I would find someone you can trust that is learned in these issues. It is not right for someone to call you crazy or mental. They do not understand. Maybe a school counselor. Call suicide prevention holiness and ask them for places that can help you. Whoever told u suicide is selfish and called you selfish does not understand what we are going through. I hope it was not a "so-called professional" that told u this. Some people are just not meant to be mental health professionals. You have an illness, it just so happens to be in your brain. You would go to the Dr for the flu, or broken leg, etc. You need to go to a mental health professional and also your primary care dr.might can refer you to someone for the sensory processing thing. Please do not commit suicide. My little brother committed suicide when he was 15. I just wish I knew he was having those thoughts, I could have gotten him some help and he would still be here today. I miss him so much. Here is the suicide prevention website:  

http://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

Phone no. 1-800-273-8255

Please do not do it. We love you and you were not put on this earth for it to end like that I promise. There are too many people who care about you, they just do not understand. But there are those who do. Trust me.
Avatar universal
My Dear
Don't harm yourself.  Seek for help.  Force your parents to find you some help.  I'm suggesting that you need to speak to a psychologist and also a spiritual healer.  You shouldn't have to suffer through this alone.  Garner family support especially from your parents.  I know that you are hurting but be strong and try to take control of it through your own sheer will for your sake and your family.

May strength and courage bring you peace and harmony.  

Much love
Xoxo
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