5595038 tn?1623823848

My Boyfriend has Depression, Please Help?

So this isn't about me, but it's about my boyfriend. He's 18 and he's had depression for 11 years. He says that the anti-depression pills only make his depression worse. He's kind of a loner except for his 4 friends and me.

He says that he's really happy to be with me and have someone who cares about him. He keeps saying that he's a terrible boyfriend because he worries me when he feels depressed. I tell him it only worries me because I care about him...and he doesn't tell me what's wrong or what's causing him to be depressed. He always says, "I don't know, I just feel depressed =/ ". Then we cuddle together until I have to leave...It's always around the time when I have to leave that he starts getting depressed. I'd spend the night with him to comfort him and let him know I'm still there for him, but my parents always think we are going to have sex or something. (It's like, you think that just because I want to spend the night with him to comfort him, we're automatically going to have sex. Yeah. Okay.)

There was one time that he got to spend the night with me. I had to beg my parents to let him stay. His puppy he had for barely even 4 months had to be put down, and he didn't want to go home until the dog was gone. (So that just caused him to be more depressed.) We got yelled at the next morning because I had slept next to him.

Here is one of the messages he sent me:

"I think something is wrong with me Tabbi...I feel miserable for making you cry, it really makes me feel like I'm a terrible boyfriend, even though you say I'm not. I don't know why but I just feel bad, I love you a lot and you make me really happy, I love having you around me and laying with you and stuff. I can't picture my life without you, you just mean so much. But when you're not here I feel like ****, and sometimes when you are here I still feel like ****. I know I'm happy with you but I'm not happy. I can't explain it but I think you might know what it feels like. You truly do make me happy, but something is clearly wrong with me at the moment. I'm sorry for being a burden to you. I really really love you, you know. I may not show it but I do. I love you so much Tabbi...I hope we can help me, I love you princess."

And I only cry when he worries me to the point I think he's going to leave...or when he says something really sweet it makes me happy and I start to cry.

He says this in another message, "I have everything I want but I'm like ******* depressed and ****." I told him I feel like sometimes I just make it worse when I try to cheer him up. He says that I'm not making him feel worse, he says it's because of him. (So at this point I got worried...) I asked him if he was still going to me with me, his response was, "of course, I don't want you to leave me, you make me feel better."

and I got this one this morning around 2:

"I'm sorry princess...about my random sadness, I was happy being near you yesterday, and I miss you...I love you a lot and I'm sorry for not being a better boyfriend, I'm sorry I'm negative and stuff, I just don't know what's going on...I love you princess, I hope you sleep better than me, goodnight"

Also, he told me awhile back, that he didn't want to live anymore...but he said that I was the only reason he still wants to live. He says he's too much of a coward to kill himself...but he said that if I died, he would.

He also has a bad sleeping habit...He doesn't sleep well at night. He snores and he has recurring dreams of either me dying, or worse, me dying and we had kids. He says that every time he has one of those dreams, he wakes up in tears and starts looking around for me.

So, I'm sorry if that stuff is just kind of off in tangent...

If you know of anything that could help us, it would be very much appreciated.
Best Answer
Avatar universal
Hi Tabitha
I disagree with the comment by Paxiled.I think you should continue to do your best to help even though it may be difficult. Even though you are young you can work through this (IMHO).

But if possible get others to assist you so it's not all on your shoulders. Can some of his friends you mentioned help out some more? Maybe they could agree to visit him more or just take hime out for a coffee or a walk etc. Sometimes these little things can help a lot.

Re medication, can you explain more - he's not antidepressants now but was in the past, is that right? Is he seeing a therapist or doctor of any kind?

Let us know. And stay strong. Being there for a frind is often difficult but it's what friends are for :). You are being a goof friend/girlfriend by helping as much as you can.
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Avatar universal
He's on an antidepressant, I think you said, so I presume he is getting treatment.  That's his situation, and since he's not on here we can't really comment that much.  But you're only 16, according to your profile, and you've gotten yourself into his situation as if it's yours.  It's one thing for adults to decide they can handle a relationship with someone this needy, but for you, I'm afraid you're just too young to handle it.  I know you don't want to hear that, and neither does he, but the only way to be in this relationship for you is to keep an emotional distance from his illness, and it sounds like you're projecting yourself into it.  You can't fix it for him, you don't have the tools.  As to depression, he doesn't probably have any idea why he's depressed, it's an illness with no known cause.  If his antidepressant isn't working he needs to find a different one, but the very essence of depression is a lack of motivation to get better -- that's the nature of the illness and what makes it so darned difficult to have.  But you say he has 4 friends -- that's actually a lot.  I assume he also has family.  But most times those close to us don't really want to get involved in our illness, so it does leave us isolated.  But a 16 year old just hasn't yet acquired the life experience to deal with this and so you're joining his suffering.  This is something you have to think out very carefully, because depressed people can be very manipulative in their desperation.  If you can't separate the relationship, a normal relationship, from the illness, then I fear you've got a bit of a problem as well.  I hope you can work through this in the best, happiest way for both of you.  
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5595038 tn?1623823848
No, he isn't on the antidepressant.
Helpful - 0
5595038 tn?1623823848
Thank you, and he doesn't talk to his friends about his depression. All they know is that he has it, and they don't bring it up. When they hang out, all they do is play MTG (Magic the Gathering, it's a card game.) And he seems to have fun playing it with them, but after a while he gets bored of beating them.

And no, he doesn't go to a therapist or doctor or anything, as far as he's told me.
He was on an antidepressant when he was younger, but he says that it only made his depression worse.
(I feel that maybe he was bullied when he was younger, he said he used to be really overweight, but now he's down to 190. I could be wrong, cause he's funny and I can't see how people could hate him. Then again, that's probably biased seeing as how I'm his girlfriend...Another reason could be that at a young age his father left them. And now his dad is trying to force him to move to Florida to live with him and go to collage for drawing. And he doesn't want to.)

He did tell me that if his depression got worse than it was before, that he'd go back to the antidepressants and see if maybe they will work this time. He said he would do it for me. But I'm worried that if he does, maybe he wouldn't be the same guy I fell in love with, you know? I fear that if it does work, maybe he won't want to be with me anymore...I'm a paranoid person...and he means a lot to me. He was with me when my first serious relationship ended, he was there for me and said that he'd always be by my side. He's my teddy bear...and I want him to be okay..

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Avatar universal
I don't think you need to worry about antidepressants "changing" him too much. For some people they work well but they don't fundamentally change their personalities.

It might just lift him up enough to start enjoying things a bit more and being a bit more motivated.

If as you suspect there is the possibility of self harm or suicide, medication may well allow him to rise above these thoughts.

But maybe if he would see a doctor as a first step that might be good, He doesn't have to agree to see a psychiatrist straight away but just have a chat to a local doctor to get some advice.

Is he currently working or studying? Is his depression affecting day to day stuff?

Helpful - 0
5595038 tn?1623823848
He has schoolwork but he's almost failing most of his classes because he doesn't do the homework.

Yes it does affect day to day things, lately he's been quiet and sets his head down all the time listening to his music. When I put my hand on his cheek and start rubbing my thumb over his cheekbone, he presses my hand against his arm and between his face and kisses it and slowly rubs his cheek on my hand..

He's been skipping school a lot lately too...Because he doesn't want to breakdown and start crying in classes.

He sits behind me in math and usually he'd try to tickle me or something when the teacher isn't looking, but he hasn't been..

And when he gets home from school he goes right to sleep...

He told me that he isn't doing to good...I mentioned to him that you were saying stuff about the antidepressants and I didn't get much of a response back...I don't think he wants to go back to using the antidepressants...I feel that maybe he's scared that they will make it worse than it already is..
Helpful - 0
5595038 tn?1623823848
Well, he told his mother about his depression. (She thought it had gone away when he didn't want to take the medication anymore.)

He said that he has a doctor's appointment sometime for the medication.

Thank you abcmark for the advice and stuff.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I'm glad that he has opened up and talked to his mother about his depression.  Communication is the key to getting help.  His depression needs to be treated by a psychiatrist and counseling combined.  

I agree with Paxiled's post.  You do not have the tools to fix this for him.  It isn't fair to you or your relationship.  

The symptoms you describe are worsening depression.  I am a mother of a 14 year old daughter and didn't see the signs myself until she attempted suicide recently.  She started on Prozac and has gotten significantly better.  It is nice to see her smiling again.  There are many more good days than bad days now.  It will take time along with the help of professionals.  

Your boyfriend can speed up the process by communicating openly with his psychiatrist and counselor.  Hopefully they can also help him learn and practice some coping skills, like journaling.  

I worry about you as his girlfriend trying to be a buffer to his depression.  That is a lot for an adult to handle, let alone an older teenager.  It may feel like a burden you both share, but it is solely his burden.  He needs to get help from healthcare professionals.  It's like you both being under a gray cloud of despair.  It can affect you over time as well.  I experienced this with my daughter.  

There is hope, as long as he gets help.  When exactly is his appointment?  It should be soon - within a week or two at most.  Once started, it takes weeks for the medication to start making a difference.  The sooner his mother gets him help, the sooner he can start feeling better.

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