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Avatar universal

My married life

I guess that I am using this forum to vent because I have no-one to talk to.  I am depressed and I think that I am a selfish person. I am very depressed with my one year marriage. My husband's ex wife died four years ago and I feel like I am walking in another persons shoes. I hate living in her house and I hate everything about this house. I never thought I could feel this way about someone who is deceased but everything belongs to her.  I guess I am a selfish person but I wish that I never married this man.  I am raising his teenage son and I love his son but he is always comparing me to his Mom in a negative way. I know he is a teenager and I understand but it is unfair for me to take the ridicule.
I want my own things and I want my husband to love me for who I am and I do not want to talk about death anymore with my husband.  I don't care what he and his ex did and I don't want to know.. I am sorry for his loss, I don't know why she had to die but it wasn't my fault.  I would bring her back and leave, if I could.  

I want someone to love me for who I am and not for what they want me to be. I love my husband and I want this to work. Everything has happened since we married. I lost my job, had a hystorectomy, have an illness.  I feel like I am living in another persons footsteps and my feet are not big enough to fill the shoes.  
I hate my life...............................................      
7 Responses
282165 tn?1209086101
im sorry to hear about your failing marrage.  have you talked to him about it?  maybe if hes like any other male and wont talk about it you should see about both of you talking to someone together. maybe both him and his son need to, they may not be out of the prosess of dealing with her death.
410475 tn?1262942367
it sounds like you think or feel like you are in the shadows? weather the ex is living or dead, believe me the things  you said are still  the same for a divorce. my step kids wanted their mom back too, I for awhile lived in my husbands old house till I insisted we move back into my house, now its still MINE, but he uses it all the time aganist me claiming he will take it away from me if I don't stay with him. He has me over a barrell too. as for you, try counseling first, if it dosen't resolve, then maybe you will have to move on at least for awhile till he and his son get over some things, or work through some things. I think you should get another house that is both of yours, something you both can build on together, I wouldn't like it either, you need to have a good sit down talk with him.
CAT
Avatar universal
I completly understand what you are going throung.  My husband's previous wife passed away of luekemia, and while we were dating it wasnt a problem he was a strtong believer in comparing no one to his past wife. but once we were married I started to feel the same way you did, all our furniture was his old wife's. he didnt see why we needed new things when we already had perfectly good ones and couldnt afford new things.  like you I fell like Im living amongst all her things.  he also compares me in a bad way. like " dont ever do what she did.... it drove me crazy"  "dont ever do this, she did it all the time and I couldnt stand it.." "well she always did it so I thought you were going to" ect.  I cant stand to hear about her anymore.  sometimes he even goes so far as to talk about their sex life. I cant stand it.  I get so sick of him using his dead wife as an excuse for things as well.  recentlY i had a miscarriage and all the support I got from him was how I needed to get over it, how his first wife got over it soon enough so so could i blah blah blah.
your not selfish, no one wants to be compared. Ive only been married six months so maybe we both need to give it sometime and let our husbands get used to being married with someone else, time for them to realize were not there dead wives and never want to be.

I also know what your going through with his son.  I have a little step daughter and I love her like she was my own. now for me I dont get compared by her, I get it all from her grandparents from her mom's side.  they watch everything I do and are always comparing me to the daughter they lost.  they dont hide their resentment towards me raising their grand daughter and Ive actually heard them telling my step daughter to never call me mommy.

I know what your going through, its incredibly difficult.  its not like our husbands have had a divorce, they had a wife pass away, obviously they didnt want to lose them and so it can feel like your sharing your husband's affections and its incredibly frustrating.  you can continue to vent all you like, because you know there are woman going through the same thing and understand what your going through cause were going through the same thing. just dont feel guilty,  
Avatar universal
Thanks for the support.  I hope things will get better for you, too.  I think we both should give it some more time.  Thanks again for your support.  If you ever want someone to talk to, I am here.  

I understand about being compared.  We should never have to feel like we are competing and I am so sorry about your miscarraige.  I know that things will get better for you.
Avatar universal
I wish you luck with your marriage, I know you must love your husband quite a lot because of the extra things u must go through more than most marriages but that can just make relationships stronger. and I know its something both our husbands dont mean to do. they just need our help in becoming aware of our feelings and why it can be hard for us. and sometimes there are times we just need to vent about it lol
473036 tn?1211756912
Keyrena and hawaii bunny,  my heart goes out to you both, it wuld not be an easy situation coming into a familys life after the loss of a wife and parent.  it wont be easy, your teenage step son is probably still feeling the loss of his mother, I understand this as I lost a parent at 15, all you can do is give him time and he may need councelling, beleive me I wish I got some it would have helped me come to terms with his death a long time ago.  you just need to let him know that no you are not his mother and nothing will ever replace her but you still a a person with feelings and deserve to be treated with respect as well,  the same with you hawaiibunny the grandparents could very well still be grieving the loss of their daughter and the granddaughter would be all that they have left of their daughter alot of what you describe is fear, fear that their grand daughter may forget her mother, fear that you would stop contact with them, fear that your husband has remarried and has forgotton her, god forbid how it would feel to loose a child at any age, you do not say how long ago she passed away, there also comes a time where they have to realise that your husabnd has to get on with his life and that his first wife was a big part of his life and will always be but this situation is not healthy for anyone, I am sure his first wife would want him to move on.  The best thing would be for you to start again in your own home, have you discussed with your husbands how you feel like you are competing with a ghost.  I would really recommend councelling, good luck to you both.
Avatar universal
I am in a situation myself. I am a newly wed, two months. My husband and I started dating about a week after his ex-wife passed away. They had been married for 15 years, had 3 wonderful children, and she had an affair on him, tried to kill herself, and left him for another man. They were separated/divorced for about 2 years when she was killed while with the man she left my husband for after a drunk driver struck their vehicle. This is a situation.

My husband is grieving still, after a year without his ex-wife. I feel like he is lying to me, using his kids as an excuse. He is afraid to tell me he misses her and HE wants her here. Instead he says he only misses her for his kids' sakes and it has nothing to do with his feeling for her.

My step kids and I get along very well. I have two kids of my own; we ALL get along so well. I guess the problem I am having is I feel like I am trying to live up to someone who is no longer here to make mistakes, no longer here to disappoint them or him.

I am here, to make lots of mistakes and will. She is preserved in their minds, this wonderful Mommy, preserved in his mind as someone who made a mistake, but still had so many wonderful years of marriage with her. My gut tells me he wouldn't have married me if she were alive, even if she was with someone else. I KNOW he still loves her and wants to be with her.

I find her letters to him around the house. How much she loved him and wanted to work things out....after she had left him. I see her pictures everywhere. I hear his stories, his nick names he had for her, their vacations, their parties, their friends, their kids...etc. It gets a little more than I can bare at times.

I am very blessed that I have such a wonderful husband, wonderful step-kids, and a truly wonderful life. It just gets to be a little more than I can bare. How do you live with someone who isn't here any more? How do I comfort him, if he only tells me he misses them for his kids’ sakes?  How will I ever know if he really loves me and wants to be married to me, or really wishes I were her?
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