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Avatar universal

Never Ending Depression

Hi, I am a 41 male.  Married, with 2 teenage children.  I'm in what most would consider a "masculine" career.  I've been battling depression for as long as I can remember....sometimes just minor....sometimes to the point I cannot function as a "normal" person.   I've considered suicide a few times.   I was not willing to seek help due to my career and the perceptions.  However, I did go see a psychiatrist 2 months ago and started on anti-depressants and therapy.  The anti-depressants have worked to a certain extent, however, it feels like they are only masking my depression.  The therapy has been less than helpful.  Basically, the therapist doesnt is incompetent in my opinion.  I have tried to just push this aside, but the last few days I have felt a deep depression coming on, one stronger than I ever experienced.   I do not like being unhappy and cannot understand why I cant just beat this thing?   I am seriously thinking about taking my life if I cannot break this depression this time.  The only reason I have to live is my children.  I trully dont want to leave them a legacy of suicide.  However, the pain is more than I can take.  Its not explainable.  My wife does not/cannot understand how much pain and turmoil I am in.  I am trying so hard.  

Lastly, I know the reason for my depression, but cannot come to any resolution.  My parents abandoned me when I was very young and to this day have never been a part of my life.  I started emailing and calling them recently.  However, both, for some reason unknown to me, have again decided to have nothing to do with me.  The rejection, even at 41 years of age, hurts more than I can take.

I just wanted to know if anyone was out there who understands??
29 Responses
Avatar universal
Avatar universal
hello, I just want to let you know that I am veru sorry to hear you say that, however i hope that I can give you some better options that taking your life. You are definately worth it, even if you think your not. First can you find another pshycologist, there are diffrent medications, also there are books you can read that know one has to know that you are reading, The worst thing to do is mask the depression. These feelings are real and need to come out to someone that youe trust. I realize this could be hard to do. It took me 6 couselors before I found one that I thought knew what they were talking about. I also had to accept that I needed to listen to everything she asked me to do, this is very difficult for me as I am very hard headed. I would really like to help, I hope any of this info helps. You really arent alone, and ending your journey is not the answer. There truly is a reason you are here. Find someone to trust and I promise it will get better. Much luck Ill be thinking of you. keep in touch
Avatar universal
Funny, I feel almost exactly the way you do, which is why I stumbled across your letter here. My way of trying to see if there is anyone who actually understands how I feel as well. I also have a couple kids who admire & adore me & see the mask I wear as a happy one. They are who I live for & I absolutely could not ruin THEIR lives just because my own is a mess. PLEASE take that into consideration - don't abandon them because you already know the pain THAT causes in & of itself. Surely you wouldn't want to wish this terrible pain that we have insdie on the people that we love the most.

I also have gone to my doctor, poured my heart out when I thought I just couldn't take it anymore. They've put me on drugs, I've taken them & just felt even more crappy & lethargic at most, so I stopped. Every time they've told me to do the psychiatrist thing. When I had better finances years ago, I tried, but I just couldn't see telling a stranger things that they either could care less about or just couldn't relate to. Nowadays, I can't afford to see a psychiatrist, but even if I could I don't think seeing one would make me feel better - actually telling my **** to someone who just sees me as a payment on their mortgage or yacht makes me feel WORSE!

Nevertheless...I can absolutely relate to your feelings of HATING feeling this way. It sucks so BAD to be in this much inner turmoil - the only voice of reason that keeps the wheels turning is the life clock ticking away until the day it all ends naturally & until then, seeing my kids thrive. I wouldn't wish this on anyone - please take care.
212753 tn?1275076711
I understand completley having been there my self 3 different times Change your therapist so you can deal with the abandonment that is pulling you down.keep your children iforemost in your thoughts. that is what kept me me fro suicide.I just knew nobody could take better care of them than me.
Keep posting here.Know you are loved and worthy to be loved.
Love Venora
Avatar universal
Thank-you for your inputs.  I've stopped taking my medications--they do no good at all.  I was recently put on a stronger dose of Prozac and Seroquel which only made me feel more depressed, suicidal, and like a zombie.  I have not taken anything since Tuesday and feel very irratible.  

I continue to have serious thoughts of suicide.  I know I should contact someone, but I am hoping this will pass.  Right now I think I'd be better off if things just ended.  I know how crazy that sounds, but I am so numb right now.  

I am putting on a good front for my wife and kids.  But inside the turmoil is getting to be too much.   I feel if I seek help (i had one time before) I will lose my job, my career, my dignity........etc.  

I have started thinking about specific ways to end things, but havent decided it makes any sense.   Maybe the worst day here is still better than the unknown which awaits.....I dont know.  

212753 tn?1275076711
TAke yourself to the hoispital now and get some help.Think how devasted your family will be with out you.I had to to hospital 3 times and now I take my meds faithfullt.
I pray you go get some help.Depression can be beaten with the right meds and therapy.Please let me know how you are and please please dont go for suicide.You have soooo much to live for.Dont let your children be daddyless.It will scar them for life.You are loved and cared for by so many people.
You are in  my prayers
Love Venora
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